Tell Me You Love Me
by Imagine what if
Summary: This is a Ross & Rachel story that starts at Season 6, Episode 5, Joey's Porsche. The Ross and Rachel story ... the way it should have happened. Now COMPLETE!
1. The truth comes out

**Imagine that you have NEVER watched a Friends episode ever. Imagine if you were to watch only the first (S1E1) and last (S10E17) episodes, you might think that Ross and Rachel fell in love and were together the whole time. Of course we know this was not true. Episode 5 of season 6 (Joey's Porsche) is one of favorite episodes because it brought a lot of feelings and emotions out between Ross and Rachel. It even brought out the truth. The producers of the show really play with your emotions at the end (where Ross and Rachel are about to sign their divorce papers). The following is an alternate ending to this episode. It is meant as a one-shot story but can be expanded to another chapter if the responses merit it. Please enjoy and let me know what you think.**

Her husband had said he would take care of the annulment to their marriage. Instead he lied. On the contrary, he had done nothing … they were still married. Ross had invited her to share his apartment because she had been made homeless. Instead of settling into her new place and being able to relax she had to re-pack all of her belongings and move to a new apartment. She was in no mood to see him, but it was his place. Ross enters his apartment …

"Oh honey, thank God your home, I was getting worried." Rachel stated sarcastically.

"I picked up the divorce papers. Ah, I've already signed everything and I put little X's where you need to sign." Ross replied as he sat on leather couch.

Rachel moves to the couch, sitting down on the couch next to Ross. "Oh, little Xs, that's great, that makes up for everything."

Ross was frustrated. He was about to lose her again … and her snide comments were like salt in an open wound. Yes, Ross had lied to her ... lied to stay married to someone who did not feel the same for him. Exasperated, Ross lifted himself off the couch. "You know, you've done a lot of stupid stuff too OK?"

From her perspective she could not begin to process what her soon-to-be ex-husband had just said. She was angry, and his goading was just making it worse. "How dare him try to deflect the blame for his lies back at me by dredging up the past!" she thought. It took all of her control not to jump off the couch and lay into him. "Name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one!" She replied.

Ross's frustration was building. "Was she stupid or something or just really forgetful?" he thought to himself. "OK, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding? Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married?"

That was it, she had had it. Her restraints thrown off she leapt from the couch "Hey, wait a minute, that was different; I did those things because I was in love with you!" she hissed.

"Yeah, right! Your right, that's very different. So let's, let's just sign the papers."" Ross blurted out as his gaze dropped to the floor. He had finally exposed himself and his feelings. He was now totally at her mercy. He fell to the couch in despair.

The room went totally silent. "What did he just say?" she thought. Her mind only had seconds to process the words and the implications of what they meant. After what felt like days she realized why Ross asked her to move in and had avoided getting the divorce. Her mind raced back in time. It was just over a year ago and their places were reversed. It was she that had had the feelings for him, the feelings that made her do crazy things, things that any "normal" person would never had done. She had said she wouldn't go. She discovered her feelings. She grabbed a jet plane and flew over an ocean. She had caused him to say her name. She had caused him so much pain … and all because she loved him. The memories were thick in her mind, so thick that she felt that she could touch them if she would just reach out her hand. She blinked her eyes and they were all gone.

At that moment she wanted to run, to get away to process what had been said and what it all meant. Ross was many things but he was not a liar. He had avoided getting the annulment … and then the divorce because he still had feelings for her. She was considering all of her options, to run, feign illness or consider the hardest choice with the biggest risks … stay and stand her ground.

Just then a crushed Ross looked up from the couch and asked "What?"

Looking down at the floor to answer him she somehow managed the strength to whisper "Nothing."

It had been bothering her for a long time. The memories would not leave her be. The visions of Vegas would haunt her again and again. The fact that she was well beyond legally drunk seemed not to bother her conscious as it remembered what happened that day. The only way she could hope to purge the recurring guilt from her mind was to confess them to him. "If only I could muster the courage to tell him, I would be free of this pain … even if it meant causing him further hurt." She thought.

At this point Rachel refocused on the couch, returning to the spot that minutes before she had previously occupied. Rachel was now sitting next to Ross. She was less then two feet away but she could not look at him for if she did he would see through the windows of her soul. She was not ready to expose her guilt.

He felt like such a fool. He had exposed his feelings to her and she had said nothing in return. Angrily he shoved the two sets of divorce papers onto the apothecary table directly in front of her. He then handed her a pen with which to sign the final death knell to their short marriage. "OK, can we just sign please?" he enquired, wanting to leave the apartment (and Rachel) as quickly as possible.

There are moments in your life when important decisions must be made. Her future was dependent upon her next action. She held the pen nervously in her right hand and lowered it to the first set of papers. She rested her hand on the document but did not allow the pen to touch. There she waited, contemplating the known present and unknown future for what seemed like an hour. She closed her eyes and wondered what to do. It would be so easy to twice sign her name and be done with it. That seemed to be her way, the easy way. She also considered her friend, her "best" friend as she called him. Would it be fair to him to just sign and let them die without another word being said?

"Rach, Rachel?" he asked as he gently put his hand on her left shoulder. "Are you all right?"

Rachel ever so slowly lifted her head, not to look at him but just to acknowledge his query.

"What's wrong? Are you sick or something?" he asked.

"No, I'm alright. It's just that I've just been given a lot of information to process in such a short time. It's a lot to absorb." Rachel said, still trying to find the means to lower the pen to the papers.

After another uncomfortable pause Ross's mood changed from anger and frustration to one of compassion for his wife. Something was wrong. She was getting what she wanted and yet she had not or could not sign them. He felt it might be better to console her before she made another attempt. "Rachel, I'm sorry, I hope you are OK. I had no intention of hurting you. That was the last thing I wanted. I am going to take the pen out of your hand. You are obviously upset and I don't want you to accidentally ruin the papers. I know how much you have wanted to sign them and get this over with. If they get ruined I will have to get another set from my lawyer and that will delay the divorce." She did not protest as the pen was removed from her fingers.

At that point Ross sat her back on the couch and proceeded to the kitchen. He returned quickly with a bottle of wine and two glasses. Filling both glasses he offered one to Rachel. Rachel's face rose slowly, still not meeting his, as she took the glass from her husband. "Thank you." She said softly. "You are welcome." he replied. "Can I get you anything else honey?" he asked. The question served its intended purpose as Rachel finally raised her head high enough to allow the two of them to make eye contact. "Honey?" she asked. "It was my lighthearted attempt to try to get you to look up and talk to me … and it worked." Ross replied.

After consuming their wine Ross made the first move toward starting to resolve Rachel's mood. "Rachel, I know that I have made mistakes in the past. The last few weeks are a prime example. Instead of talking to you face-to-face about my feelings I just dropped it all in your lap, all at one time. I'm sorry for that and I am here to say that if you have any concerns or questions about anything that has been said here today, that my answers to you will be straightforward and truthful."

Rachel considered this and with the wine finally relaxing her she decided to take him up on his offer. "Alright then, what did you mean when you said "Yeah, right. Your right, that's very different … " Before?"

"Rachel", Ross responded, "I think you know what I meant by that but I will spell it out anyway. When we got married in Vegas I was just as shocked as you were. I truthfully had no intention of marrying you. We were good friends, not engaged when we did it. It was the fact that we were drunk that we got married. Can we agree on this fact?"

"Yes" she replied. "We were so drunk we couldn't see straight. I have no idea how we ever got back from the chapel after the ceremony."

"Great, we agree on this then." Ross replied. "When we returned to New York we agreed that we would get an annulment. I resisted the idea and lied to you because I did not want three failed marriages, remember?"

Again, Rachel replied in the affirmative.

"I made a big mistake by lying to you. I did not get the annulment. I was too scared to have three failed marriages. I was thinking ONLY about myself. I was very selfish. Weeks later when you found out that we were still married you were so mad that you wanted to kill me, remember?"

For the first time in what seemed like forever Rachel actually smiled. "Yes, I was so mad at you I could have torn your heart out. I was almost as mad at you then as when you slept with Chloe."

"Then it's safe to assume that you were pretty mad." He replied, getting a slight chuckle from Rachel. "So what was going through your head?" Rachel asked. "You couldn't expect us to stay married forever without me knowing."

"That's a very good question." Ross replied "Honestly, I wasn't thinking straight. I was afraid of the three failed marriages, but my thinking about the whole subject changed literally overnight."

"How, when, in what way?" she asked.

"Well, it was because of Phoebe. She has always been the most outspoken champion of our cause, you know. She thinks we are lobsters and that we were meant to be together forever. Phoebe started convincing me that the reason I was avoiding the annulment was not because of the three divorces but because I was still in love with you. After weeks of hearing her talk about how in love I was with you I started to believe it, and then something happened."

"What?" she asked, moving to the edge of her seat.

"You were made homeless and you needed a place to stay so I offered to be your roommate." He said.

"You were just being Ross, you know, a nice guy."

"I was a liar, not a nice guy" Ross replied. I told you that you could stay here with selfish intentions. I was trying to make you fall in love with me all over again. We were still legally married. I was planning on making your stay here so memorable that when I eventually told you we were still married you would decide to stay with me as my wife. It was another big error in judgment on my part. I got my just desserts when my plan began to unravel."

"What do you mean? How did your plan unravel? What are you talking about Ross?" She asked.

"Well, do you remember about a week ago when we were at Central Perk. You were talking about a "system" that we could use to signal each other when we each had a hot date over so that we could have some privacy? You suggested using a hanger on the front door, remember?" He replied.

"I remember." She said.

"Rachel, could you imagine how devastating it would have been for me to come home and find a hanger on the door handle, to find you alone, in our apartment with another man? I had created my own version of hell!"

"Now I understand. And then I made things even worse by lying on the divorce papers and perjuring ourselves in front of the judge." She said as her eyes moved toward the floor, tears forming in her eyes.

Ross, noticing that he was losing her again moved his hand to her chin and gently pulled until she had raised her head to his. Rachel looked sad. "Rachel, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I lied to you time-and-time again. I was finally married to you, something I had dreamt about for over half my life and I freaked out. I hurt my best friend in the process."

"Confession is good for the soul" Rachel thought. After a short pause she surprised Ross by standing and walking around the couch. Her eyes told him that she had something important to say.

"Ross. Um, I kind of have a little confession." She started.

"What?" Ross replied.

"Ahh, well, you know this whole marriage thing? … kinda my idea."

Stunned, Ross replied "Excuse me?"

"Ah, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married? … and ahh, and I didn't really, I didn't want to say anything but it just kinda just kept coming back to me and, uh, remember we were in the casino and for some reason you though it would be funny to eat a lotta grapes? (Ross looks up toward ceiling trying to remember) And I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So, as a compromise we decided first to get married and then (Ross parrots exactly what Rachel says) … to eat a lot of grapes. Sorry I got us into this whole thing."

Recovering from her admission, Ross replied with the first words that came to mind, "So then if you think about it this is all your fault."

"Yeah don't push it though!" She replied in frustration.

By this time Ross had had an epiphany. He was really beginning to believe that they were meant to be together. She had initiated the wedding in Vegas. He had spent the better part of two years trying to get over her but had failed miserably. "I gotta say I, I know I divorce a lot of women. Never thought I'd be divorcing you." Is the only thing he could think of saying.

"I know. I always thought if you and I got married that would be the one that stuck." She replied through a slight smile.

It was now Ross's turn to make an important decision. He had feelings for her that could not be ignored. Was he to open and honestly share his true feelings or was he to bury the truth and ignore it as they had often done in the past? Ross decided for openness. He also realized that even an admission of love might not be enough to bring them together. It might not be the right time.

"Rachel. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you being honest with me. Can I ask you a few questions?" He asked.

"Of course." She replied.

"Rachel, how many times have I apologized for the Chloe incident?"

"Oh, about a billion." She said.

""I could apologize a billion times more and still not explain to you how truly sorry I am for it. What we had together was magical; it was the best time of my life. You were many things to me. You were my best friend, my lover, my confidant. And when I got possessive and jealous I killed our relationship. The reason I asked you if you forgive me was that I was hoping that ONE of us could forgive me because I couldn't. I never have forgiven myself for hurting you so much and destroying "US"."

"Ross" She started. "Why are you torturing yourself about this?" I thought we both had moved on?"

"Rachel, I thought so too but two things have made me think twice about this. First, I've had a long time to deal with our divorce and as I explained before I did some irrational things to keep us together, married. A marriage is between two consenting people. In our case it was only one, me."

Rachel replied "What was the second thing that made you think?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He implored. You just told me not 5 minutes ago that it was your idea to get married, not mine. When we went to Vegas we spent most of the time at each other's throats. You wet my pants and I wrote on your face. But in the end you thought it was a good idea to get married."

"Ross, we were drunk! It meant nothing. We didn't know what we were doing."

"And yet we did it Rachel. As your friend and soon to be ex-husband I have to, no I WANT to be totally honest with you. A blind man with a cane could see things about us that we cannot even see. It took this latest incident for me to see it. There is something that always seems to keep us just one step away from being together. One time it is you telling me that you love me and then the next it is me telling you ..."

"Ross, please tell me what you are saying, plain and simple." She interjected.

"Plain and simple? Is that what you want? Then here goes … you know how much I loved you, right? Well imagine tripling that. That is how much I love you now. After all this time of trying to get over you I have failed so miserably that I love you that much more. The few hours I spend with you are worth the thousands of hours I spend without you! Until the angels close my eyes, I can't imagine seeing life without you."

"Ross, please don't. It's been over for a long time. "Us" is just too difficult. We have moved on."

"Rachel, I used to believe that, believe me. Please believe me when I say that I am not trying to convince you to be with me. I have grown since I made my fateful mistake(s). I've learned that I should have put you and your interests before my own. I should have made you more important then myself. When we were dating I tried to possess you, to own you. I became jealous every time you talked to another man. Instead I should have encouraged you, even helped you to be everything you could have possibly been. I should have helped you be whatever you wanted to be. You are not a thing to be possessed but a living, breathing person to be nurtured and raised above me."

"Ross, please stop. You have this ability to do things with your words. You need to stop thinking these things and move on."

"Rachel, do you know how unfair you are being to ask me that? I need to move on? That would be like me telling you that you need to fall in love with me all over again! How dare you tell me to move on! I've tried for years to do so and have failed so badly. I have to deal with this in my own way. Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much and for them not to love you in return? "

Ross was getting very emotional and he could see that Rachel was crying a river. He paused and took a long deep breath before continuing. "I found the one my heart loves and that one is you. I have to face the truth. If I am so serious about the truth then I also have to face the fact that you do not feel the same way. You are also my good friend and unlike most ex's we continue to see each other on a daily basis. I do not want to lose you as a friend. I just want for you and me to know the truth."

By this time both Ross and Rachel were crying. He knew he had struck a chord within her but he also realized that he was hurting her. He made a decision to stop the drama and try to heal as many wounds as possible before he left. "Rachel, I think it's time."

Rachel brushed aside her tears and asked "Time for what?"

"I think it's time for you to sign the papers."

Rachel, taken aback replied "What? After all the feelings we admitted to tonight you still think I should sign the divorce papers?"

"I think that it is your decision. I have already signed. If it were not for my confession I believe you would have already signed them. The admission of my feelings for you was not based upon you telling me about Vegas but by a need for me to tell you to the truth. We have spent so much time hiding our feelings, of being afraid of being hurt by them. In a way our failure, MY failure to express them has itself become a lie, a lie that prevented me from seeing the truth. Don't you find it at all funny how our friends talk about us behind our backs when we cannot even broach the subject of "US" face-to-face? The truth can be a very liberating experience."

He could not make the decision for her but at least he could be a friend and help. As slowly and gently as he could he raised his hand, taking hers in his. He then slowly led her back to their original positions on the couch. Sitting next to each other Ross would hand her the knife that would ultimately kill them. As she signed the papers he looked away. Wiping away the tears he thought "It is finished …"

**Please review and let me know what you think of this short story. If you would like to read more I can add perhaps one more chapter … let me know.**


	2. The man needs to change

… **to two of my favorite writers, Tina Chavez (the author of the best fanfic ever (The Baggage Gift)) and to Hamilkm whose stories always seem full of hope. **

She woke up and rolled onto her back. Taking in a deep breath her eyes slowly opened. Rachel lifted her arms and stretched, trying to wring the awkwardness of sleep out of them. It took almost everything she had to lift herself to vertical and remove the afghan that had been placed over her to keep her warm. She scanned the apartment so as to orient herself in space and time. The phone had already rung 5 times before she gave it a thought and answering it. "Hello." She said, in the middle of an extended yawn.

"Good morning sleepyhead, how are you doing this morning?" the caller answered. "It's 8:30 in the morning. You are going to be late for work."

"Damn! I'll have to call in and tell them I'll be late! Monica, Thanks for the wakeup call, how did you know I was here?" she asked, yawning again.

"Ross told me." She replied. "He spent the night on our couch. He told me that you were tired from packing and he wanted to give you your space."

Memories of the last evening started coming back to her. The emotional and thought proving talk had totally drained her. She had been emotionally and physically exhausted and had fallen asleep on the couch after Ross had left the apartment.

"Monica, is Ross there right now?"

"No, he brought a change of clothes and left for work a half hour ago. Why, is something wrong?"

"No, nothings wrong. Monica, when you were talking to Ross last night … did he seem at all angry about anything?" she asked.

"No, not at all." Monica replied. "He was a little down but that should be expected with all that you two have been through lately. Why would he be angry?"

"Oh, no reason. I was just curious. Did he say anything about what we talked about last night?"

"Rachel, I love you both very much. I don't want to get in between the two of you, especially while you are fighting!" Monica replied, exasperated. "Please don't ask me to spy on my brother!"

"Monica, we are not fighting and I'm not asking you to spy on him. I was just curious, OK? We had a very open and honest talk last night. It was difficult but very refreshing to talk so openly."

"Great, I'm happy for you. What did you talk about?" Monica asked.

"Many, many things Monica. I know we share a lot but please don't ask me go into detail at this moment. It's too much to ask of me right now, after all I just woke up."

"Rachel, I'm not trying to pry. I was just curious. I noticed something with Ross last night and I was hoping we could discuss it. After you are fully awake why don't you come on over and get some breakfast?"

"Sure Mon. I'll be right over. Goodbye."

Rachel called into work to tell them she would be late She then threw some cold water on her face to clear her head. It took Rachel only 10 minutes to walk the short distance to Monica and Chandler's apartment.. Entering the apartment, Monica greeted her with a very nice breakfast. Knowing that Rachel would have to run off to work soon, she quickly struck up a conversation. She was curious about something and it was eating at her. "Rachel, have you noticed anything strange about Ross lately?"

"Strange? Monica, what do you mean? You are going to have to be a little more specific." She said.

"Well, While Ross was over here last night he was acting a little weird, not at all like his normal self."

"Monica you know very well that your brother can be very weird. That's one of the things I like about him. What was he doing that was so weird?" Rachel asked.

"Well, Ross can be very sensitive and nice but last night he was so very nice to me. He helped me make dinner and breakfast this morning. He even cleaned everything up without me having to ask him to. Then on his way out he hugged me in the most loving embrace and whispered into my ear how much he loved me and appreciated me and that he could not have asked for a more perfect sister. I was speechless. I just couldn't come up with a response to that. I just stood there dumbfounded until he left. Rachel, what happened last night? What have you done with my brother? Is he dying or something?" Monica joked.

"Monica, I don't know what has happened to Ross but I can tell you that he was very much like that last night with me. As bad as things could have gotten between us he was so very sweet and kind to me. He said so many wonderful things. As much as he tried to keep the fact that he lied to me he finally convinced me to sign the divorce papers. I don't know what to make of it. All I know is that I like it."

"Me to." Monica replied. "Why do you think that he wanted you to sign? I thought he wanted to stay married to you. You saw how resistant he was to the annulment and the divorce."

"I don't know Monica but something has changed. I'm just as curious as you are."

"Rachel, do you remember before when you asked me if Ross was angry last night? Why would he be angry?" She asked.

"Mon, I did something last night that might upset him. In his current state of mind I really don't know how he will react."

"Why, what did you do?" Monica queried.

"Could we talk about this later? Rachel pleaded. I promise that we will discuss it.

"OK, sure." Monica replied.

"Would you mind if I crashed here until the weekend? I don't feel like lugging all my stuff from Ross's apartment down to Phoebe's right now. I still have some clothes over at his apartment I could use until the weekend." Rachel asked.

"Of course you can Rachel. You are like a sister to me. Well you actually were my sister while you were married to Ross." Monica joked.

At that moment Rachel felt a tinge of guilt. Monica had actually been her sister-in-law for the time that they were married. It had not even occurred to her that when you marry a person, you marry a family. The Geller's were a family that she would not have minded being a part of. But the happenings of the past had prevented that possible outcome from occurring … and now she was alone. Rachel had had her opportunities to be with other men since the time that Ross had destroyed their relationship and lost her trust with Chloe, but none had worked out, for one reason or another.

"Monica." Rachel was retrospective and was picking her words very carefully. "Ross and I have had our problems, as you well know. But last night he opened up and for a change was very honest with me. He told me things that I couldn't believe and couldn't accept at that moment. I don't believe he said those things to get back with me. I'm just going to take it easy with him. The best thing I can do is be his friend … just like we used to be …"

The weekend had arrived and the day of reckoning was upon her. Rachel was moving.

Ross had eaten breakfast and was in the bathroom shaving when he was startled by a knock at the door. Without thinking Ross instinctively dropped his razor and proceeded to his front door. Rachel was dressed down that morning. It was moving day and there was no reason to primp. It didn't matter to him what she looked like, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Hi Rach. Today's the big day, huh?"

Rachel laughed and put on a happy face. Half his face was covered in shaving cream. "It sure is" She replied but inside she was perplexed at how happy he appeared to be to be losing her as a roommate.

"Rachel, have you eaten breakfast yet?"

"Not really, I had a slice of toast and glass of juice at Monica's" She replied.

"Would you like anything to eat or drink?" He asked.

"Sure, how about some coffee."

"Of course." I'll brew some coffee while I finish shaving." Ross replied as he ran into the kitchen. After finishing his shave, dressing and sharing a cup of coffee, Ross proceeded to help Rachel move the remainder of her belongings to Phoebe's place, all the while seeming genuinely supportive and happy for her. When finished, Ross gave her a gentle hug and told her to call him if she needed anything else. After his departure, Rachel decided to call Monica to let her know that she was not going to be staying at her place another night.

"Hello."

"Monica, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be back tonight. Ross helped me move the rest of my stuff to Phoebe's and there's no reason to impose on you another night."

"Rachel, you never impose. You give me the opportunity to be the hostess again. You remember how I enjoy being the hostess, don't you?"

"How could I forget" Rachel replied. "But with all my stuff here I really need to get settled in."

"How did the move go?" Monica asked.

"It was great. Ross was a big help. I wouldn't have gotten done today without it." She replied. "He has changed Monica, and I would like to know why."

"Rachel." Monica replied. "I invited Ross over for dinner tonight. I'll try to have a heart-to-heart with him while he's over."

"Your not going to spy on your brother are you?" Rachel joked.

"Not at all. I'm just as concerned as you are about him." Monica replied. "Good night Rachel."

The dinner had been consumed and the bottle was empty. Laughter filled the air of the apartment as the two siblings reminisced about their past, about the stupid things they did to torment each other at a younger age. It was getting late and a clean-up was in order. As the brother and sister worked to clean the mess they had made she decided it was time …

"So Ross, how are you feeling?

"I'm fine Monica. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Why do you ask?"

"It's nothing." Monica replied. "It's just that we've noticed that you've been acting a little differently the last few days. We're concerned about you."

"Wow, do you know how special I feel that I have friends who care so much for me? He asked.

"You're not upset that I, I might be prying into your personal life?" She asked.

"no, I feel so blessed to have two fantastic women who care so much about me."

"How did you know that she and I talked?" Monica asked.

"I didn't." He replied. "I've been spending a lot of time with Rachel the last week and I could sense that she was a little uncomfortable. The time I spend with her is special. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me."

"So then what's up with you?" She asked. "You've been acting differently from the norm."

"Is that a crime?" He asked.

"Ross! There's no reason to ask me that. You know how much we care about you."

Ross believed every word she said. He was happy to know that he had friends watching over him but uneasy that he had caused them such concern.

"Alright then. I don't want you and Rachel to be worried about me. While I appreciate your concern I never meant for you to worry about me. Please ask me any question that will ease your mind and I will tell you the truth." He somewhat slightly joked.

Monica thought for a few moments and carefully choosing her words she began. "Rachel and I have noticed a change in you. Then you are over at my place being so helpful and nice to me. What's going on with you? Remember, you promised to be truthful."

"I promise to be truthful with you from now on." Ross replied. "Monica, some changes are forced upon us. The really important ones come from within. The changes you see in me happened because I felt compelled to change."

"Why did you feel that you needed to change?" Monica asked.

"My marriage to Rachel triggered it. Being married to her, even after a drunken wedding caused me to rethink everything. I resisted getting a divorce and I lied to her about it. I felt as low as I did when I slept with Chloe. I did a lot of introspective soul-searching through my past feelings and decisions. I didn't like what I learned about myself."

"So what did you learn?" She asked.

"I found that I had thought myself to be the center of the universe. I had to have what I wanted irregardless of other people's feelings. I've done so many things I'm not proud of I've lost count. I betrayed Julie to be with Rachel. I made a list of Rachel's good and bad points and hurt her in the process. I slept with Chloe and killed my best chance for happiness. I hurt Emily by saying Rachel's name at our wedding. I hurt Rachel by agreeing to Emily's demand that I not see her. My best attempts at being happy had hurt the people I care so much about. Instead of being happy I had made myself miserable and the casualties littered my wake." After a short pause he continued "… and I, I love Rachel so very much. So much so that I realize that I have to let her go."

"I was not brought into this world to hurt people. The mistakes of the past were not others, they were mine. If I were to continue down this path others will end up getting hurt. If I don't try to better myself then I will be guilty of far more than I have done to date. I know you share a lot with Rachel. I'm not going to ask you to keep this from her or anyone else. I'll leave it to you to decide what to tell who … I trust you; I trust you with everything."

"Wow." Is all that Monica could muster at that moment.

After a short pause Ross smiled at his sister, gently squeezing her hand. He then lifted himself from the chair and proceeded to finish cleaning the table for her. "Stop, you don't have to do that." Monica blurted out.

"Yes, I do." He replied.

"So what are you going to do?" She asked.

"I'm going to transform myself." Ross replied.

"What, how … are you going to do that?" She asked.

"I am going to be everything I could have been to you, to Rachel, to everyone else in the world. I'm not going to put on a cape and fly around like a superhero. I'm going to be a gentlemen. I'm going put others before myself."

"Ross, you already are a gentleman, you don't need to work on that." Monica replied.

"Monica, I know I can get a bit anal at times, what with my tendencies to correct others and all but do you really know what a gentleman is , in the truest sense of the word?"

"How did I know that you were going to ask me that? And yes, you can be very anal about these things. OK, please tell me. What is a gentlemen?"

"Quite simply it is a man trying to make everyone around him as comfortable as possible, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He replied. "I have been humbled by this whole experience. When I was younger I thought I knew everything. I received a PhD by the time I was 25. I spent a lot of my time convincing everyone around me how smart I was. Now I am over 30 and have found that I had it wrong all along. I really know nothing. I cannot erase the sins of the past but I can try to avoid them from happening in the future."

Ross finished the dishes and had cleaned the table with a washcloth, all the time Monica just sat there with nothing left to say. As he gathered his jacket he turned to her, bent over and kissed her on the top of her head. "I love you." He said as he headed to the door. At that moment the apartment door flew open and Chandler and Joey entered. Ross barely had enough time to avoid being knocked over by the two.

In a few moments the two buddies finally noticed their friend heading toward the door. "Hey Ross. How are you? We haven't seen you in a while." Joey asked.

"I'm fine." Ross replied as he took hold of Joey with his left arm and Chandler with his right. Crushing them into his chest in a big bear hug he whispered "I love you."

Releasing the pair, he exited the apartment.

**Please review. I already have ideas for chapter 3.**


	3. Hello Mrs Gellar

**I was not happy with chapter 2 to this story. It was a transitional chapter, linking chapters 1 and 3. This chapter is rather long but I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. Please review …**

It was a decision that could not be made by one, it had to be discussed and agreed upon by all. It was June and the time was neigh to make the decision. Do you celebrate six times or not? Was the question on the table? Would it make sense to do it any differently this year? The consequences, although not openly apparent, would have far-reaching consequences for the group. As always, the ring-leader was the first to speak.

"Guys, please, let's do this! It will make it so much easier if we do. Four of us have birthdays this summer. Instead of having four separate parties lets have one big get-together to celebrate." Monica said, pleading with her friends.

"Wouldn't that marginalize all four birthdays?" asked Ross. ""I wouldn't want to short-change anyone, especially on their birthday."

"No, it wouldn't." Monica exclaimed. We could have an extra-special night with just the six of us. We could go out and have a blast! Since all four birthdays are so close together it just makes sense to consider it."

Under most circumstances Ross and Rachel's votes would matter just as much as the other's but this time things were different. The issue on the table affected them only indirectly. After all, it wasn't their birthdays that were being trivialized by grouping them together with three others.

"OK, lets put it to a vote!" Monica directed. "My birthday is June 15th, Joey's is July 25th, Phoebe's is on July 30th and Chandler's is August 19th. Who votes to celebrate all four birthdays with one huge celebration to be held at a date yet to be determined?"

All six agreed that it would be logistically easier and best for all if they got together for one huge celebration. Now, the hard part: "What date do we hold it on?" She asked.

July 15th had been determined to be the day and that day had come.

The apartments at 495 Grove Street were a study in contrasts. Apartment #19 was calm and collected while #20 was far from it. Joey was excited but he wasn't showing it. He anticipated the darkness as would a tiger stalking its' prey. His plan was ambitious; Once out on the town he planned to use the birthday party as a guise to find a date and then, when no one was looking to whisk her away. There was no reason to rush; it would only take him 5 minutes to prepare for the hunt.

On the other side of the hall things were polar opposites. While Chandler wanted to relax and get dressed at his leisure, Monica would have none of it. Always the perfectionist, she ordered him around as if she was a drill sergeant and he was a fresh recruit.

"Chandler, are you ready yet?" She demanded, insisting that he answer right away.

"Yes dear, I'm ready." He replied.

"Do you have your shoes on?"

"Not yet dear but I will soon."

"Chandler! If you don't have your shoes on then you are not ready!" Monica was in rare form. She was nervous. She had been the one to suggest the combined birthday get-together. She felt that the success or failure of the night would fall upon her. "It is tough being me." She thought. "I wish I was more appreciated."

Chandler laughed silently to himself as he realized that he wasn't truly ready. He loved her more than any woman he had ever known. "She makes me whole" he thought as he rushed to throw his shoes on his feet. He did not want to stress her out any more then she already was.

Across the street Ross was heading out the door. He had no desire to be late. He did not want to incur the wrath of Monica. Since beginning his transformation Ross had invested heavily in improving his appearance and mannerisms. His makeover was complete; the results were nothing short of amazing.

The situation at 5 Morton Street, apartment 14, was simply chaotic. Phoebe and Rachel whizzed by each other in anticipation of the night's events. It was ironic that women with so many clothes had nothing to wear. Not only did they have problems choosing clothes but they had the added problem of having to be ready early, with enough time to arrive at Monica's before they were late. Woe to those who arrived late to one of Monica's planned functions. Rachel had a LOT on her mind. What she wore tonight had to be something special. "It had to be just right." She thought. "Not too sexy but not too conservative either. It has to catch his eye." She thought. It had been three weeks since she signed the papers and she knew that it would be coming back to haunt her soon, perhaps that very evening. She had to be properly equipped in case it happened that night.

It was 5 PM sharp and Phoebe and Rachel flew through the door to apartment 20. "Alright then, is everyone ready to go?" Monica asked as she looked for dissenters.

"Monica, could we wait 5 minutes to catch our breath? Rachel and I just got here." Phoebe pleaded.

"Of course." Monica replied. "But remember, we have reservations for dinner at the Gotham at 5:30. We don't want to be late."

"Alright then, let's get moving." Monica commanded.

"Monica! Phoebe and Rachel are exhausted. Let's take a cab. It'll be my treat." Ross exclaimed.

Monica's reply was short and direct. "What? It's only 12 blocks to the restaurant. What are we a bunch of pansies?"

"No, we are not a bunch of pansies. We are out to have a good time. I can't see Phoebe and Rachel having a good time trying to make it to the restaurant running in those heels." He replied. Once down on the street Ross called to a passing cab and as if on command it stopped within a few feet of the group. The group piled into the cab as best they could but there simply was not enough room for all six into the cab. "We'll have to double up I guess." Ross volunteered. "Would you mind sitting on my lap?" he asked Rachel.

"No." She replied, somewhat blushing and getting a little nervous.

"The Gotham on east 12th." Ross barked as the last cab door had been closed.

Within minutes they found themselves in front of the Gotham Bar and Grill. The group entered the restaurant. "Bing, party of 6 …" Monica declared.

"Yes Ma'am, please follow me." Replied the maitre de.

Dinner was a most enjoyable experience for the group. Laughter flowed like wine as did fond memories of the past and anticipation of the future. At the end, it was Ross as always who found the words to describe the moment. "A toast, please." As the group raised their glasses he continued. "This time will never come again. Circumstances may prevent this meeting from ever happening again.. I just want to say that you five mean the world to me. You make my life worth living. To us, to friends."

"To friends." They repeated as their wine glasses contacted each other.

It was now almost 7:00 and the heat of the day was starting to wane. The "plan" as Monica referred to it called for the group to arrive at the Bitter End by the time the headliner got up on stage at 9PM. Instead of hailing a cab the group decided to rough it by walking the 10 blocks or so to the club. As they started on their way Monica and Chandler lead the way. Hand-in-hand they set a heady pace. Not far behind were Phoebe and Joey, involved in a deep discussion of one of her massage clients and of his latest conquests. The final couple appeared in stark contrast from the first. They were not holding hands but neither did they seem to be in any rush to get to their destination. It seemed that for them that the trip meant more then the actual destination.

"So how do you like living at Pheebs?" Ross enquired.

"It's great. I'm really enjoying myself. We get along great together." She replied.

"I'm sorry you had to move out. I never meant to leave you homeless for a second time in a week." He replied.

"Ross, It's alright. At least now we can be open and honest about things. Hey, I also wanted to thank you again for helping me move my things." Rachel hadn't felt this way in years. The conversation was so easy, so comfortable. She was happy. She did not want it to end.

As the six traveled south on 5th Avenue the distance between the couples began to increase. By the time they reached Washington Square Park over 200 feet separated the first from the last.

"Rachel, I know I've said this a hundred times but you look so beautiful tonight. It's not just the way you look, it's everything about you."

"Thank you, Ross. It means so much coming from you and hey, have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? You look very handsome."

"I'm glad your still my friend …"

"Ross! Rachel!" The familiar voice screamed. "Please pick it up a bit … we're going to be late!"

"Yes mother." They yelled.

Once through the park the group proceeded south on Thompson until they arrived at The Bitter End on Bleecker Street. Once inside they found a table for six. As Monica and Chandler left for the dance floor Joey proceeded to stalk his prey. The club was filled with many possibilities. He spotted his first victim and attacked. "How you doin?" He asked.

Ross wanted to dance with Rachel but he did not want to leave Phoebe alone. "May I get you ladies a drink?" He asked.

"Thanks Ross, I'll have a glass of Merlot please." Phoebe replied.

"And you Rachel?"

"How about a Margarita?" Rachel replied.

"Your wish is my command. Please excuse me while I get your drinks." He replied as he moved off toward the bar.

Once free of their male companion the ladies were free to indulge themselves in girl talk. Phoebe initiated the exchange. "So you and Ross seemed to be enjoying yourself on our little walk. How are things going between the two of you?"

"Phoebe, don't start with me!"

"I'm not starting anything Rachel. While we were walking here I would take a peek back at the two of you every once-in-a-while. You really seemed to be enjoying your talk. You seemed to be in your own little world together. The only thing missing was his hand holding yours"

"Phoebe, Ross has been so many things to me. He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my husband and now my ex. Over time we have both changed. Look at him. He has changed …"

"Yes Rachel, he has changed, but only for the better. It's a fact that people change over time. Hopefully they learn from their mistakes. You would think that the more intelligent a person is the more they would learn from their mistakes. Ross has been married and divorced three times. Don't you think he might have learned something by now?"

At that moment Rachel turned her eyes away from Phoebe towards Ross who was standing at the bar getting their drinks. "Phoebe, I suppose he has. But I've changed too. I'm having a hard time trusting again. How do you have a relationship with another when you can't trust?"

Rachel was not the only set of eyes set upon Ross. At that moment a set of beautiful green eyes were glancing at him, scrutinizing him head to toe. They were ready to make their move.

"Hello." Was the only word she had to say.

He was caught off guard by her advance. "Hello. Ross Gellar."

"I'm Sylvia … Sylvia Morgan. It's nice to meet you Ross. Are you here alone?"

"No. I'm here with some friends. You?"

"No. Me neither. I'm here with a girlfriend of mine." She looked around and pointed to her friend, signaling her to come over. "This is my friend Tammy. Tammy, this is Ross Geller."

"Nice to meet you Ross." Tammy replied.

"The pleasure is all mine." He replied.

A tear had formed in the corner of her eye. It was small, too small to fall down her cheek but it was there. She watched with great interest as not one but two women held his attention. She was conflicted, so much so that she could not answer her friends' question.

"Rachel! Rachel, are you alright? Snap out of it!" Phoebe implored.

Rachel knew that Phoebe was there, she could hear what she saying, but she could not take her eyes off the drama that was unfolding in front of her. "Why did it always seem to come to this?" She thought.

Unable to get Rachel's attention, Phoebe turned her head violently behind her in an attempt to focus on what had consumed her friend's attention. It didn't take long for her to find it.

"Oh." Is all Phoebe could think to say.

"So Ross, what do you do for a living?" Asked Sylvia. She was curious to know and eager to keep Ross at the bar for as long as possible.

"I'm a model for Playgirl Magazine." He replied.

"Oh my God are you kidding?" The girls asked giddily.

"Yes, sorry. I was just joking to get you to smile. My reality is far less interesting. I teach at NYU."

"You … you teach at NYU? I would have never guessed." Replied Tammy. "What do you teach?"

"I'm a paleontologist."

The girls were now totally enamored with the man standing before them. He was so very handsome. He was polite. He was so very polished. He had an education far beyond his years, an education which contrasted s well against his youthful exterior. "How could this guy NOT have a wedding ring on his finger?" Sylvia thought.

"So Ross, are you seeing anyone at the moment?" She asked, hoping that the answer would be "No".

"Not at the moment." He replied. He knew where this was going. He was conversing with two beautiful women who were obviously interested in him. In the past he would have stayed there, talking with them without thinking of anyone but himself. He would eventually leave with one of them. "That was then but this is now." He thought to himself.

Ross knew she was watching. He knew she was hurting. He had to end it now.

"Here are the drinks you ordered. That'll be $17.50." said the bartender, offering Ross the perfect opportunity to extricate himself from his predicament.

Before handing him a $20 he politely asked Sylvia and her friend if they would like a drink. "Yes, that would be nice." They replied enthusiastically.

""Order whatever you wish." handing the bartender a $50. "Please serve these ladies well and when finished, take it out of this. Keep whatever remains as a tip."

"Thank you sir." The bartender replied, knowing that he would be receiving a very hefty tip.

"Ladies, if you would please excuse me. I have to deliver these to my friends over there." Pointing to Phoebe and Rachel. Perhaps we can talk again after the show. Goodbye."

Disappointed, Sylvia reluctantly replied "Sure. Thanks for the drinks Ross. Bye."

As he returned to their table he had the urge to ask Rachel to dance. He could tell by looking at her that she was sad. She had seen everything. Presenting Phoebe and Rachel their drinks he received a "Thank you." in unison. At that moment Monica and Chandler chose to leave the dance floor and return to the table.

"Have a nice dance?" Asked Phoebe.

"It was great." Replied Chandler. "Those dance lessons came in handy. We could have danced longer but they are getting ready to announce tonight's headliner.

"Oh, who's playing tonight?" Asked Ross.

"I'm not sure." Replied Chandler. "They are being very secretive about it. I don't know why they would want to keep it a secret. If it were someone famous you would think they would want to pull in more people."

"More people?" Phoebe asked. "Could you GET anymore people into this club?" She joked.

The whole table laughed at Phoebe's attempt at making fun of Chandler.

"Where's Joey?" Asked Monica. "I haven't seen him since we got here."

""He probably on the prowl somewhere over by the bar." Ross replied, pointing to where he just had left..

At that moment the lights of the club began to flicker intermittently, gaining the attention of most of the clientele. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you would please find a seat. We, at the Bitter End have a special surprise for you tonight. We hope that, in the future when you think back to tonight that you remember your time here spent with us." At that moment the lights faded to black with only a few dim lights illuminating the stage. "The Bitter End is proud to present Ms. Aimee Mann."

Within a split-second the volume in the club went from zero to over-the-top.

"How did the club ever pull in Aimee Man?" Chandler asked in amazement.

"I don't know." Replied Phoebe. "Maybe she's friends with the management.

During the next two or so hours the group was treated to the best of Aimee Mann's music. The friends could not believe their luck. They could enjoy the concert in the relative privacy of a small, intimate club.

Just before the end of the concert, a new song was played that none had heard before. As they listened to the melodic tones and melancholy lyrics one of the group was moved to tears.

"Say you were split, you were split in fragments

And none of the pieces would talk to you

Wouldn't you want to be who you had been

Well baby I want that too

So better take the keys and drive forever

Staying won't put these futures back together

All the perfect drugs and superheros

Wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero

Baby, I bet you've been more than patient

Saying it's not a catastrophe

But I'm not the girl you once put your faith in

Just someone who looks like me

So better take the keys and drive forever

Staying won't put these futures back together

All the perfect drugs and superheros

Wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero

So get out while you can

Get out while you can

Baby I'm pouring quick sand

And sinking is all I have planned

So better just go

Oh, better take the keys and drive forever

Staying won't put these futures back together

All the perfect drugs and superheros

Wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put baby together again

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put baby together again"

This time the tear was larger, big enough to tumble down her perfectly formed cheeks. She looked down. It would take everything she had to keep her decent into sadness from her friends. At that moment she felt a gentle touch to her right hand. It lifted and gently squeezed it in a way letting her know that everything was going to be alright.

He leaned over and gently whispered into her ear. "The same could be said about me you know. I'm not the guy you once put your faith in … and destroyed in a single night of insecurity and stupidity."

At that point she wanted to bolt, to escape because the dam had burst. She was losing it fast. Ross, noticing her decaying emotional state quickly sprang to action.

"Hey, now that the concert is over let's dance Rachel. Please excuse us guys; we're going to cut a rug.

Before she knew it Rachel had been whisked away to the dance floor where, luckily for her, a slow dance was in progress.

"Rachel, you are safe now. No one can see you." He said. Slowly moving to the music.

At that she shook and cried until she could cry no more. It took 20 minutes and four more songs before the tears finally waned.

"Ross, I have to run to the ladies room before anyone notices. Please help me."

At that Ross placed himself between the group and her, blocking their view. He grabbed her purse from the table and quickly shuttled her towards the restrooms. Before he could escape he had to face the interrogation.

"So how was the dancing?" Phoebe asked.

"It was great." Replied Ross, trying to deflect the group's attention. He trailed off … "Rachel and I had too much to drink. We have to use the restroom. We'll be right back." It was all he could think to say at that moment. He hoped it was enough.

Having reached the ladies room he handed Rachel her purse and asked if she would be alright.

"Yes, I'll be OK. Could you please wait here for me until I return?"

"Of course I will." He replied.

He had watched her make herself up hundreds of times before but she was still capable of surprising him with her ability to look perfect, even under the most adverse conditions. She left the restroom looking so unlike when she entered. And she put on a brave face for her friends.

"Well, how do I look?"

"Do you have to ask?" He replied. "You never cease to amaze me."

"Why, what do you mean?" She jokingly shot back at him fluttering her eyes in the process.

Taking her hand he led her back to the table now currently occupied by the others, including Joey.

"Hey Joe, any luck tonight?" Ross asked.

"Bad luck yes, good luck no." He replied in response to his question.

"Sorry man, I really am."

"It's OK. This evening was all about friends anyway."

In his own special way Joey had summarized the evening as no one else could have. Short and simply.

As the ringleader of the group Monica took it upon herself to call an official end to the evening. Raising her glass to her friends she spoke.

"To good friends. To my friends. No matter what happens in the future I pray that time will allow us to do this again, and again, and again …"

It was midnight and the first stop on the return trip to their corner of the village was Morton Street. The guys needed to make sure that Phoebe and Rachel made it safely to their apartment. The pairings for this walk were the same as before but the order was reversed. Interestingly, it was Ross and Rachel who lead the march followed by Joey and Phoebe. Monica and Chandler had not paced themselves very well, having expended most of their energy on the dance floor.

For blocks they walked side-by-side only occasionally acknowledging each other's presence. It was she who decided to initiate the conversation. They were nearing the west village and the opportunity would soon be lost.

"She was beautiful." She said.

"Excuse me. What did you say." He replied.

"The girl. The girl at the club. She was beautiful. Why didn't you spend more time with her? She and her friend would have made great companions for you." She said without even a twitch of emotion.

"Yes, yes she was beautiful." He replied. "But remember what Joey said? This was an evening for friends."

"She might have made a good friend for you." She replied.

"Perhaps. But it just wouldn't have been right." He replied, knowing that "their" truth was about to be exposed.

"What do you mean, it wouldn't have been right?" She asked.

He had known for a week but had decided not to divulge the fact to anyone, especially her. He had spent the time trying to make some sense out of it. He remembered the phone call and how shocked he had been by the revelation. Refocusing on the present he noticed that they were walking next to an expensive woman's boutique, long closed because of the late hour.

"Rachel, could we stop for a minute? It will give the others a chance to catch up." He asked.

"Sure, of course."

"Rachel, look at the window." He beckoned.

"Oh, eh, I don't like this at all." She replied after looking at the large glass window filled with mannequins covered in expensive women's fashions.

"What, what don't you like?" He asked.

"Those clothes, they're ugly!" She replied.

"Rachel! Please look AT the window, not through it."

"Alright Ross I'm looking, now what?"

"So what do you see?" He asked

"I see my reflection in the window. Oh, I need to fix my hair!" She replied.

"Rachel, please! Look at the whole you and not just your hair. This is what I see when I look at you. Did you really have to ask me why I didn't spend time with those girls? Yes, they were beautiful, but they couldn't hold a candle to you … Mrs. Gellar."

She had wondered if he knew each time they saw each other. He had given her no clue as to an answer. "How long have you known?" She asked.

"About a week" He replied. "When you signed the papers I didn't have the heart to look at them. I assumed that you had signed them. So when you handed them to me I just stuffed them in an envelope and took them to my attorney's office. Weeks later the attorney called telling me that the paperwork is unusable until you sign your legal name instead of "Mrs. Geller".

"Are you mad at me?" She asked.

"How could I be mad at you? I dropped a lot on you that night. It must have been very overwhelming. I am not mad at you, but you do confuse me a lot. I have to ask you this: Why, after all the arguing, the fighting, the disastrous annulment hearing before the judge did you not sign the papers? You were so mad at me. It was what you so badly wanted. Why didn't you just sign when you had the chance?

"You're right, it was overwhelming. I did want the divorce but after you said what you did I was confused and conflicted. I didn't want to make another mistake so I bought myself some time by signing "Mrs. Gellar".

At that moment the others had closed the gap so that they could be heard. Ross and Rachel decided to resume their walk at their previous pace. Before long they had arrived at Phoebe and Rachel's Morton Street apartment building.

"Rachel, a friend of mine once said that "… you were worth the wait.""

Rachel's mind filled with fond memories of their first date. "I wonder who said that." She replied.

"A very wise person. Rachel, do you have faith, faith in yourself? I know that I do. Do you remember the Rachel who came to Central Perk in a soaking wet wedding dress? She was utterly dependent on her daddy. As hard as it was for her she opted for independence. She lost her safety net but gained so much more. She gained 5 friends and parents who respected her for successfully becoming independent. I want you to know that I have faith in you. You can make the right decision. You must make the right decision, for you. The decision has to be right for you, not for us. If you are happy with your decision then I am happy with it."

"Ross." She replied pausing for a few moments. "Try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here, but do you think it would be OK if I asked you out sometime, maybe?"

"Yeah, maybe." He said, a tear forming in the corner of his right eye.

"OK, OK maybe I will."

"Goodnight." He said as he headed in the direction of Grove Street.

At that moment the entire group (less Ross) were at the door to 5 Morton Street. Rachel was turning toward the door of the building when she heard her best friend's voice.

"See ya!"

"Uh huh." She replied.

"Wait, wait. Hey, what's with you?" She asked.

"I just grabbed a spoon." She replied.

**Credit goes to Aimee Mann for the lyrics from the song "Humpty Dumpty" from her CD "Lost in Space".**

16


	4. The sister in law

**Thanks to all of you for your enthusiastic reviews. I really enjoyed writing chapter 3. Please enjoy Chapter 4. As I wrote this chapter I discovered that it would probably be incredibly long for just one so I decided to spread the subject between two chapters (this one (4) and a future chapter 5). I hope you, my FRIENDS friends enjoy this and the next chapter. I already have another chapter planned after that … this is all for you.**

It was late.

He was tired.

He had a good time but now it was time to sleep.

"Sleep, wonderful, blissful sleep." He thought as he walked up the flight of stairs to his apartment.

As he entered the hallway outside his apartment the lighting was dim, making it difficult to see. It was almost 1:00 in the morning. He turned the corner with his key in his hand, ready to insert it into the lock. But then he noticed something. He was tired, the lights were low and he couldn't see straight but it looked like a lump with blonde hair.

As he slowly knelt down he gently put his hand on her shoulder. "Hello, miss."

He couldn't see her face but he could tell she was asleep.

"Miss, are you OK?" He asked, gently shaking her shoulder.

"Huh, eh, oh hi." She said, slowly waking from her slumber as she turned her face to his.

"What are you doing here out in the hall? Are you locked out of your apartment?"

"No … no, I'm waiting for my sister. I've been waiting here for hours but she hasn't come home yet." She replied.

"Please, let me help you up. Come in and be my guest until your sister arrives." Lifting her petite frame gently from the floor. "Hold on, let me get the door."

As they entered the apartment Ross turned on the lights and guided the mystery woman over to the couch. Helping her off with her coat he prepared to be the host.

"May I get you something to drink?"

"A glass of water would be nice, thank you." She replied.

He had seen her face before. The face looked so familiar but he just couldn't place it. He searched through his memories, his mind shuffling through images as on an infinite Rolodex machine. It finally came to him …

"Jill?"

She was older, more mature and had gained some weight but she was still the cute younger sister of the woman he loved. She was his sister-in-law.

"Yeah, my name is Jill." She replied. "Have we met before? I think I would have remembered you if we had."

She had not yet fully awakened. Her senses were just then reconnecting with her brain. It was her first opportunity to view her host under adequate lighting conditions. "He's very handsome." She thought. "I could really go for him. I hope he's not already taken."

"Yes, we have met before. Don't you remember?" He asked.

"Give me a minute. I've been asleep in your hallway for hours." She had absolutely no clue as to who this guy was but she had already made the decision that she wanted him. "Be cool Jill" She thought, "Relax and be yourself." After an appropriate pause she replied "OK, I give up. I'm sure I would remember you if we had actually met before. Who are you?"

"Ross … Ross Gellar." He replied. "Remember? I grew up on your block."

"What? You can't be Ross! You're so very cute. Ross had that curly afro and stupid mustache."

"Thanks, I think." He replied, "That was me Jill."

"I can't believe it! What did you do to yourself? Well, whatever you did you did a good job."

"It's a long story Jill. It's too much for two exhausted people to discuss at 1:30 in the morning . Before, when we were in the hallway you mentioned that you were looking for your sister. Are you looking for Rachel?" He asked.

"Yes! I heard that she had moved out of her old apartment because her roommate had decided to live with her boyfriend. This is the address I was given. When do you expect her in?"

"She doesn't live here Jill. I'm sorry. She lives with a friend over on Morton Street."

"Oh." Jill replied, somewhat disappointedly. "I was hoping to crash at her place tonight. I have no place to go."

He could foresee it, the problems that the offer might cause him. But he was a gentleman and a gentleman would not turn her away. He just hoped that he would not live to regret his decision.

"Jill, you are welcome to stay here tonight. I have a spare bedroom and you can crash here until you can get in touch with Rachel."

"Are you sure Ross? Thank you. You are such a good friend!" She replied.

"You're welcome. You are my guest. If there is anything you need, please let me know. The kitchen is through there and the bathroom is in the hallway." Raising himself from the couch her escorted her to the guest bedroom. "Are you hungry, I can fix you something?"

"No, I'm fine." She replied.

"If you feel like a snack, please help yourself. I need to get some sleep; I usually don't work on the weekends but I have an early day tomorrow. If there's nothing else then I'll bid you good night."

"Good night and thanks for saving me." She replied.

"It's nothing." He replied as he closed his bedroom door and prepared for bed.

"Oh my God!" She thought as she threw her belongings on her bed. "Ross Gellar. I can't believe how much he's changed. He's so gorgeous! I have to play this just the right way."

After changing, Jill exited her bedroom and proceeded to the bathroom where she narrowly missed colliding with Ross.

"Sorry." He said as he left the bathroom. "I didn't see you, I'm half asleep. See you tomorrow. Remember; if you need anything just take it."

"Thanks again." She replied. "Good Night."

She was blushing and feeling faint. Luckily for her he actually was half asleep and didn't notice. He had exited the bathroom dressed only in a pair of sweatpants, his chest as bare as it could be. She had tried to lower eyes but she had been too late. Each of his muscles were well defined and distinct. His arms were well toned and bulging. "I've got to take a cold shower!" she thought as she quickly closed the bathroom door.

Jill was not prepared to play the part fate had in store for her. Yes, she had played many parts, the princess, the man-eater, but none would be as alien to her as the innocent. She was just being Jill …

The knock on the door came with a whimper, the tiny hands barely making enough contact to be audible. She waited a few seconds and then tried again. No response came from the other side of the door. She sighed and decided to ring the doorbell.

"Hold on ... just a minute!" was the response from the apartment.

Rachel froze; it was a woman's voice. "My God! He's got a woman it there! He told me how much he cared and then he spends the night with some slut!" She thought to herself.

Just then the door swung open. Rachel didn't know what to do "Do I run or kill?" She thought.

A short blonde figure stood in the doorway, her face covered by her hair …

"Yes, what can I do for you?" She asked, pulling her hair to the side and opening her sleepy eyes.

"Um, .." Rachel was at a loss for words.

"Rachel! There you are." Jill replied as she wrapped her arms around her sister.

"Jill, what are you doing here?"

"I came here last night looking for you. Daddy kicked me out and I had no other place to go. I was given this building as your address so I came here looking for you and a place to stay." She replied. "But when I got here there was nobody home." She continued, "You are not going to believe this but at about one in the morning the most gorgeous guy woke me. Do you remember Ross Gellar? I had no place to go so he let me stay the night!"

By now the picture had become clear and Rachel was feeling a bit uncomfortable with it. She could picture it in her mind ... it started to make sense. She trusted Ross and knew his intentions were honorable but Jill was another matter altogether …

"Jill, may I speak to Ross please?" She asked as she walked past her sister and into the apartment.

"I don't think he's here right now. He said something last night about making an early day of it."

"Alright then. Why don't you get yourself cleaned up and I'll take you to breakfast. It will be my treat." Rachel replied.

"Great! I'll go get dressed." Jill replied as she walked off into her bedroom. "Hey Rach …" Jill queried from behind her door. "Do you know if Ross is seeing anyone right now?

"Why do you ask?" Rachel asked, not looking forward to the answer.

"I'm just curious. We really hit it off last night. He was so nice and sweet to me and he is so incredibly gorgeous too!" She replied.

"This is going to be fun." Is all Rachel could think at that moment.

After what seemed like hours of incessant questioning about her husband and his dating availability Rachel was finally able to get her sister to shut up and go to breakfast. The time at breakfast gave Rachel an opportunity to discover Jill's true intentions. She chose her words well …

"So why did Daddy throw you out Jill?" Rachel began.

"It was something stupid. I don't want to talk about it." Jill replied, embarrassed.

"No, come on. I'm your sister, you can tell me." Rachel exhorted, trying to get her sister to talk.

"Ok, alright. Do you promise not to laugh?"

"Sure. I won't laugh." Rachel replied.

"OK … I bought a boat."

"You bought a boat?"

"Yeah. But it wasn't for me it was for a friend. I know I was stupid and I know I shouldn't have done it but she bought me all of these CDs and she said I had a really nice haircut."

Rachel struggled to compose herself. Inside she was dying a quick death by laughter but she couldn't hurt her sister by letting her know.

"So let me get this straight. You bought a boat … for your friend … with Daddy's money … and he threw you out?" Rachel struggled to get out.

"Yeah. Then he told me to come here to learn the value of money from the one daughter he is actually proud of."

As much as she feared her father she still loved and respected him. She felt vindicated … the decision that changed her life six years ago had been the right one.

After lunch, Jill enthusiastically suggested that they go shopping.

"Sure, we can go shopping." Rachel reluctantly agreed. Since Jill probably had no money it would be her wallet that would take the brunt of the damage.

Hours later and with several bags in-hand the sisters trudged up the stairs to Ross's apartment. While they hadn't thought about it neither had a key to gain entry. Rachel hoped that he was home.

"Rachel, can you take these bags please?" Jill enquired.

"Sure, give them to me." Rachel, now thoroughly overloaded replied.

"OK could you hand me the key?" Jill asked.

"Jill, I don't live here. I don't have a key!" Rachel replied trying to keep from dropping any of the bags she was carrying.

"Then how are we going to get in Rachel?"

"Jill, look at your right hand, do you see it?"

"Sure, so what do you want me to do with it?"

"OK, make your hand into a fist."

"Alright, now what?"

"Now turn around and hit the door with it." Rachel replied.

"Oh, oh sure." As she knocked.

Within a few seconds movement could be heard from the other side of the door.

"One second … I'll be right there." He replied.

As Ross opened the door he could hardly keep a straight face. To the right was Jill, smiling, bubbly and unencumbered by shopping bags. To the left he spied either his wife or a giant shopping bag monster, he couldn't decide which. Whatever it was it didn't look happy.

"Could I get some help here please?" Rachel demanded, not looking at all pleased with the look on his face.

"Sure, sorry. You just looked funny." He replied, taking most of the bags from her.

"I'm glad that you found it so amusing!" Rachel replied, walking into the apartment and plopping down hard on the couch.

"Can I get you both something to drink?" Ross asked.

"How about a diet coke please." Responded Jill.

"Rach?" he continued.

"That'll be fine, thanks."

Ross entered the kitchen and went right to work. As he worked he felt a presence behind him. He hoped it was her …

"Rach?" he asked, too busy to look around.

"Yes, it's me." She replied. "So what's going on between you and my sister? Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I got home last night after our walk, totally exhausted, to find Jill sleeping in the hallway. I couldn't just leave her there. She had no place to go. Rachel, that is my sister-in-law out there." He replied.

"So Ross, nothing happened between the two of you?"

He turned quickly but with no intended threat to her. His stare was intense, a combination of frustration and sympathy for the one he loved, the one he hurt. It was the fact that he was responsible for that pain that he did not explode at her at that moment. He stared into her eyes for only an instant before saying "I thought I had an idea of how much I must have hurt you. I guess I was wrong. If you have to ask me that question then my words and actions have failed to convince you of my feelings for you and my commitment to "us". I want to make this very clear to you, if we never are "we" again then it will not be because I don't love you or haven't tried. It will be because of that night so long ago that I lost one of my valuable possessions, your trust. Do you have your answer?"

"I have." She replied, inwardly disappointed with herself for even thinking they were involved.

Leaving the kitchen and returning to the couch Ross handed the sisters their drinks.

"Relax you two. You've obviously had a hard day. Take a load off before dinner." Ross suggested, trying to alleviate the tension with Rachel.

Finding himself in another uncomfortable situation, Ross considered how to deal with the issue of where Jill would stay that night.

"So what plans have you both made for tonight?"

"Jill is going to pack her stuff and stay with Phoebe and me at our place." Replied Rachel.

"What … why?" retorted Jill. "I like it here and I have my own bedroom."

"Jill!" snapped Rachel. We have plenty of room over at our place." Calming down she continued "It will give us some time to catch up and talk about what you want to do from now on. How are we going to talk about these things with you staying over here?"

Ross was exhibiting a calm and cool exterior but inside he was sweating bullets. He was concerned about where the conversation was going. He was dreading the call of his name. He prayed the sisters would not pull him into this …"

"Ross, what do you think?" asked Rachel.

"Think Ross, think … come on, come on … you can do it." He was grasping at any settlement that would be satisfactory to both. With no way out he thought of a way to buy some time …

"Ladies please, please don't argue. How about we go down and grab a pre-dinner coffee at Central Perk and then perhaps a relaxing dinner at a restaurant of your choosing … my treat! So what do you say?"

King Solomon could not have done a better job at diffusing the situation. Both sisters looked at Ross, then at each other, then back at Ross before agreeing to the terms of the cease-fire.

"Agreed." They replied in unison.

"Let's get cleaned up and put on some fresh clothes over at my place Jill." Rachel urged.

"But my stuff is here Rachel, remember? Why don't you go change at your place? I'm going to shower and do my hair before changing. Ross and I will meet you at Central Perk, OK?

"You little $& )$ $!" is all Rachel could think of saying, but she didn't. It would have blown their cover. Instead, she glanced at Ross who was trying to tell her to go, it would be all right, there would be nothing to worry about.

Defeated yet confident in her husband's dedication to her, she withdrew through the door …

"OK, I'll see you both in an hour for coffee." And she was gone.


	5. The diversion

**We are moving forward in time through the rest of the 6th season. Chapter 4 and 5 are the time-equivalent of S6 episodes 13 and 14 where Jill visits and again, R&R actually express some feelings for each other. Thanks to all of you for your enthusiastic reviews. … This is for you.**

"Please Ross, kiss me. Kiss me!" She begged.

It was one of the most difficult things he had ever done. He leaned forward and let his lips brush hers. Before he could go any further he felt himself getting sick. "Gross!" he thought to himself. "This is awful. There is no way I can kiss you like that Monica!"

The self-therapy was working. Imagining himself kissing his own sister was having its desired effect. Now if only he could see Jill as his sister-in-law there would be no problem. The very thought of kissing her would turn his stomach.

"How do I look?" asked Jill as she entered the living room.

Ross, having been seated on the couch, rose to his feet and turned to face her. He was not prepared for this …

"Uh, whoa! You look nice." replied Ross, who by now was getting very uncomfortable. "Ready to go?"

From head-to-toe she was dressed in a revealing blouse, a very short skirt and boots with 4 inch heels.

"She's your sister-in-law, she's your sister-in-law." He repeated in his mind.

"Yes, I'm ready. Let me just get my purse."

"Let's go." She said, as she returned to the living room. Taking his arm they proceeded through the door, down the stairs and over to 495 Grove.

As they approached Central Perk Ross had hoped that they would arrive before Rachel there and his friends. As luck would have it just the opposite would happen. As they entered the café the pair became the center of attention for the five sets of eyes now staring at them. Protocol called for her to introduce her sibling, but by the looks of things she was in no mood …

"Uh, hey everyone, I'd like to meet someone. This is Rachel's sister Jill." He announced with a slightly squeaky voice.

At that moment each of his friends reacted in somewhat different ways.

Phoebe, seated at the chair to the right of the couch stood and greeted her with an outstretched hand and a "Nice to meet you. You look a lot like Rachel. I can see the resemblance."

Chandler, sitting on the far right of the couch was speechless. He sat there with a weird "muaaa …" sound emanating from his half open mouth. The sound immediately ceased as a petite female elbow struck a blow against his right ribcage. "Owww!" He blurted out.

Monica, whose elbow was now firmly implanted in her boyfriend's ribs, had known Jill from when they were younger. "Hi Jill. It's been a long time."

Rachel occupied the left position on the couch. She spent those few moments glaring at Ross and then her sister. She was not happy. "She is not spending another night at his place!" She thought.

Joey sat alone on the chair to the left, closest to the counter. His heart was aflutter with anticipation as he said "Hey, how you doin?" to her sister.

Rachel's glare sent him immediately to his chair.

"I'm going to get some coffee. Would anyone else like something?" Ross asked as he tried to put some distance between himself and Jill.

Jill was the only one to answer. "Sure, a cup of tea would be nice."

"I'll be right back. Hey Rach, could I talk to you for a sec?" He asked, moving toward Gunther and the counter. After ordering he looked around to the left towards his friends. He jumped as he found Rachel standing only a foot away, her eyes were angry … he had to think fast.

"OK, I think I've got a solution to our little problem." He said.

"I'm listening. Oh, by the way, should I go find a date so we can double up tonight?" She asked.

"Ouch! That hurt Rachel. Listen, your sister is obviously interested in me. I think I might have a way to distract her."

"How are you going to do that, belch or something?" She asked sarcastically.

"No, listen. Do you want her over at my place again tonight because I sure don't! I cannot relax in my own apartment. She keeps looking at me weird and she walks around in these revealing outfits. I feel very uncomfortable."

"Oh, poor baby." She replied. "No, of course I don't want her over there but how are you going to distract her?"

"I have to protect you and our little secret but I don't want to lie to her. Please trust me. Go sit down. I have a call to make." He replied.

While Rachel returned to the couch Ross made the urgent phone call. Before long he had returned to his friends with a cup of tea.

"Here's your tea Jill."

"Have we decided on a restaurant for tonight?" asked Rachel. "Jill, what do you feel like eating?"

"Oh … I don't know. I'm a little tired from all that shopping. We could always order some takeout and eat in. Ross, what do you think?" She asked.

Taken completely by surprise Ross inhaled the last of his coffee. He spent the next minute or so trying to cough it out of his lungs.

While Ross was preoccupied Rachel covered for him.

"Jill, how often do you come to visit? Ross offered to treat us. You don't want to hurt his feelings do you?"

"No, I don't want to do that." She said, smiling at Ross. "Well, I don't know the area. Does anyone have any suggestions?"

"Do you like Italian food?" asked Monica.

"Sure, who doesn't?" replied Jill.

"Well why don't you go to my restaurant, Alessandros. I'll be cooking there tonight." She offered.

"Is that OK with you Ross?" Jill asked.

He quickly glanced over to Rachel who was in the process of providing him with a discreet "OK" in the form of a wink.

"Sure. That's fine. Monica's food is always top-notch. She's always takes care of us. Would you please excuse me, I have to get this coffee stain out of my shirt. I'll be right back" He replied, discreetly winking back at his wife.

Ross moved to the back of the café near the restroom, away from the prying eyes of his friends. He then redialed the same number from his last call. He hoped his idea would work.

The three arrived at Allesandros in good spirits. Rachel had helped Ross free himself from the clutches of her sister by walking in between them. Ross was hopeful yet somewhat nervous at to how the evening would proceed. He was thankful that he was at least temporarily free of her.

"Geller, party of 3." Ross announced.

"Yes sir. This way please." Replied the maitre de.

The three were seated and made themselves comfortable. After drinks and appetizers were ordered the conversation began.

"So what do you recommend for dinner Ross? Asked Jill.

"Uh, I'm not sure. Let's ask the waiter to talk to Monica. She'll know what's good tonight."

Shortly thereafter a slightly disheveled, marinara-stained Monica approached their table.

"Hey guys. I'm glad you could make it tonight. Are you ready to try Monica's specials?" She asked. "Ross, I know what you and Rachel like but what about you Jill? She asked.

"How's the Chicken Marsala? Jill enquired.

"It's one of my best dishes. I use only the freshest Portobello mushrooms and finest Marsala wine you know." She replied proudly.

"That sounds scrumptious! I'd like that please."

"Very good then. I'm off." Monica replied, rushing back to the kitchen.

Rachel was getting anxious. She was told to trust him. He would take care of everything, but nothing was happening. She was no closer to removing Jill from her husband's apartment. She made her concerns known to him …

"Owww."

"What's wrong Ross?" Asked Jill.

"Oh nothing. I think I have a cramp." Ross replied, glaring at Rachel and rubbing his leg where she had just kicked him.

At that moment Ross glanced around the dining room until he noticed him …

"Bob!" Ross yelled out. "Over here! Come on over."

"Who is that?" Asked Rachel.

"He's a friend from work. I just wanted to say hello." He replied.

As Bob approached the table Jill gave him the once-over. She considered his appearance, his age and balance of his bank account. He was younger then Ross, about her age. He was handsome, well dressed, and had a wonderful smile.

"Jill, Rachel, this is my friend Bob from work. He's an intern at the museum. So Bob, what are you doing here tonight, and all alone?" asked Ross.

"Dr. Gellar, it's kind of embarrassing. I had a blind date but I think she stood me up." Replied Bob, somewhat disappointed.

"Bob, you can call me Ross. We're not at the museum at the moment." Rachel, Jill. Would you mind if Bob joined us for dinner?" asked Ross.

"No." they both replied.

"I'm so sorry. Bob, this is my friend Rachel and her sister Jill. Jill is visiting from Long Island."

"Nice to meet you both." He replied, staring at Jill.

After ordering a meal for Bob, Ross continued …

"So Bob, you were stood up huh?"

"It looks like it. A friend set us up." He replied.

"That's too bad." Jill said sympathetically.

"Yeah, but the jokes on her. She doesn't know what she's going to miss tonight." Replied Bob.

"What do you mean?" asked Rachel. "What is she going to miss?"

"Well, after eating dinner at this great restaurant I was going to take her to a concert at Shea." He replied.

"Wait a minute! You're not going to see Green Day tonight are you? Asked Jill, anticipating his answer.

"Yup. You like the group?" he asked.

"Oh I love their music. I own all of their CDs!" Replied Jill.

"Well then, do you have anything planned for this evening? I do have an extra ticket."

"Oh no, nothing, nothing at all!" She replied gleefully.

"Then will you please accompany me to the concert?" He asked.

"Are you kidding, I'd love to go!" She replied, giving Bob a big hug around his neck.

Rachel had her suspicions. "The whole thing seemed just too planned out." She thought. She looked over at Ross and failed to find anything in his expression that would lead her to believe that he had planned any of this. It just seemed too perfect …

The dinner had been consumed and the bill had been paid. It was starting to get late …

"So Bob, what time does the concert start?" asked Ross.

Looking at his watch Bob started to panic. "Oh my God! The concert starts in a little more than an hour. We'll never make it! I was going to take the train but that'll take too long now. I'm going to have to hail a cab. Come on Jill, we don't want to be late!"

Before leaving Rachel interjected. "Jill, I'm going with Ross back to his place for a minute. I'll pick up your stuff and take it over to Phoebe's and mine. We'll probably be up late tonight so don't worry about waking us. Here is the address and apartment number, OK?"

"OK, yeah. I think it would be better if I stayed with Rachel for the rest of my visit Ross. I hope you understand." Jill asked.

"Of course Jill. Just get to Rachel's safe, OK? Bob, here is Rachel's address. Make sure she gets home safely and at a reasonable time, alright?" Ross asked.

"Sure Ross. I won't let anything happen to her."

"See that you don't." replied Rachel.

The young couple said their goodbyes and quickly exited the restaurant.

"Thank you Ross for a lovely evening. I had a great time. Both the meal and company were very nice." said Rachel.

"If you are happy then I am happy." He replied.

"You know, what happened here tonight with Jill and Bob seemed just a little too perfect to me. You didn't have anything to do with this did you?" She asked.

"Why and how would I have anything to do with this?" He protested. "You sure are a suspicious person you know. You've got to learn to trust people more."

At that moment Bob re-entered the restaurant and walked back to where Ross and Rachel were seated. Their conversation ceased as they both looked at Bob in unison.

"Ross, you forgot to give me the concert tickets. I also need money for the cab fare to and from Shea." He stated.

Embarrassed, Ross handed him the tickets and enough money for the pair to get safely to the concert and back to Rachel's.

"Thanks Ross. I'll take care of her." Bob replied.

"Please see that you do. Thanks Bob, have a good time. You deserve it." Ross replied as Bob headed out the door.

She was enjoying it, seeing his squirm and sweat. There he waited for what seemed like an eternity until Rachel decided to respond to his last statement.

"I knew you had something to do with this!" She said. "I knew things ran just too perfectly!"

"Now Rachel, calm down." Ross replied, trying unsuccessfully to free himself from her gaze.

"… and I need to learn to trust people more, huh?"

"I was only joking." replied Ross. "But you've got to admit it went well. She never expected a thing AND she's out of my apartment!"

"Yes, I guess I couldn't have done better myself. Tell me about this guy "Bob". Is he a nice guy?" She asked.

"One of the best." He replied.

"Like you used to be?" She countered.

"No, like I am now trying to be." He replied.

Having left Allesandros, Ross and Rachel returned to his apartment. Helping Rachel collect Jill's belongings they packed her bag.

"I better be going, it's getting late."

"Please let me walk you home." He asked.

"That's not necessary. I'm a big girl." She replied.

"I know. You're a successful, independent woman who doesn't need anyone." He said, exasperated.

"That's not true." She replied. "I need you."

"What, what did you say?" He asked.

"Ross, with all of the things that have happened between us in the past and for all of our history you are still my friend, my best friend. I could not picture my life without you in it. At this very moment you are being my friend by giving me the time to think things over ... and I appreciate it."

"Are you sure you won't let me walk you home?" He asked.

"I appreciate you wanting to watch over me. It makes me feel safe and cared for. I can make it to my place alright. I've done it many times." She replied.

"Listen Rach, I just want you to understand that there is no pressure on you. Whatever you decide will be OK with me. I will wait for you for however long it takes."

"I know you will." She replied, pausing for a moment to choose her words. "Ross, are you doing anything next Saturday night?"

"No, I don't think so, why?" He replied.

"I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out … if that's OK with you."

"Do you mean like as in a date?" he asked.

"Yes, as in a date." She replies.

That would be nice." He replied "Our first date."

"That's just what I was thinking." She said as she kissed him on the cheek. "Good night."

**The next chapter should be VERY interesting. It will be long. I will hopefully post it within the week. I hope you are enjoying this.**

10


	6. The second first date

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. Work; getting sick; more work; these things tend to get in the way. This is the longest chapter to date. I hope it doesn't stop you from enjoying it … I had a lot to say.**

**The Second First Date**

It had to be special.

It had to be just right.

"How often do you get a second chance?" She thought.

It was weird …

It was them.

"I just invited my husband on our second first date." She thought. "Where will I take him? It has to perfect."

Rachel hadn't been home from Ross's for an hour before the phone rang.

"Hello? Jill, hey, how is the concert?" She asked as she strained to hear her sister over the din of the stadium. "You're not coming back? Why?"

Jill and Bob had hit it off. She would not be returning anytime soon.

With her evening now freed up Rachel thought, she thought hard. She considered the consequences. She and her spouse had been quiet, they had kept their secret well. Only the two of them knew.

Things change … people change. Her feelings were changing and she needed a friend. Could she trust in another for help, to provide sound advice and respect her wish for secrecy? She had decided to call her sister …

"Monica, are you busy? Do you have the time to talk?"

"Rachel, I always have time for you."

"Monica, is anyone there with you now?"

"Yes. Chandler and Joey are here watching sports. What do you want to talk about?"

"Monica, I need to talk to you in private, just the two of us. Can you come over?"

"Sure Rach, is anything wrong?"

"No, nothings wrong. All I can say is that you need to prepare yourself. I've got something very important to tell you. It's a secret, a secret that I cannot keep from you any longer. Can you come over now?" Rachel asked.

"I'm on my way." She replied. "Chandler, I'm going over to Rachel's for a while."

"Is everything all right?" he asked.

"Everything is fine. She just wants to talk about something, it's probably about Jill. I'll make sure to call you if I will be late." And she was off.

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"Would you like some wine?" She asked Monica.

"Sure, do you have any Port?"

"Sure, I'll be back in a minute." replied Rachel.

Sipping her wine she began …

"So what's up? You scared me a little before, on the phone."

"Monica, how long have we been friends?"

"Let's see. Mmmmm, it's been over 20 years, we're like sisters!"

"I need you to swear that you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you."

"OK, I swear, so what's with all the secrecy?"

"You know before when you said we were like sisters?"

"Yes, well we are like sisters you know."

"Monica, we are sisters, sisters-in-law."

It took Monica only a moment to process the information …

"You never got the divorce did you? Asked Monica.

"No, we didn't. Remember the night that Ross and I were supposed to sign the divorce papers? Well, I signed them "Mrs. Gellar" to buy some time. Ross had said things that lead me to believe that it would not have been in my best interest to sign them. Since that night we have talked a bit and I am beginning to accept him the way he is. I'm beginning to trust him again."

"So you are going to stay married? Are you sleeping together? Are you pregnant?" Monica asked, expectantly.

"Monica, we haven't even kissed since Vegas. The closest we've been to each other is a peck on the cheek."

"So why have you decided to tell me this now?" asked Monica.

"Well, I feel like I needed to get this huge burden off my shoulders. I need your help!"

"Help with what?" Monica asked curiously.

"I asked Ross out on a date. I need help planning it. It, it has to be perfect!"

"I'll help you. You know how I like to plan these things."

"I know, that's why I called you." Replied Rachel.

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Traditions were meant to be broken.

She had never asked a man out before.

She was the one to pick him up.

He waited for the knock … he did not have to wait long.

She took his breath away.

He had a feeling that their future depended on that very evening.

"Shall I call a cab?" he asked as he looked past her, down the street.

"No. Why don't we just walk? It will give us a chance to do something we haven't done much of, talk."

"Is it far?" Ross asked, curious as to where they were going.

"Not really. I wish is were farther though."

"Why?" he asked, curiously.

"The longer the walk … the more we can talk." She replied.

And so they set off on their journey, heading south toward lower Manhattan.

She did not want to waste a moment. "While we walk can I ask you some questions?" she asked.

"On one condition." Replied Ross.

"What?" she asked, curious.

"All I ask is that you hold my hand."

"Alright, that sounds fair." She said, not trying to hide her excitement.

"OK then. Ask away."

"Ross, you've told me many times that you love me. When did you first know that you loved me? Was it in high school?"

"I liked you almost the minute that I first saw you. You and Monica became friends when you were little kids. That liking turned into a crush when I was in the 9th grade. I think I first fell in love with you shortly after you moved in with my sister, right after you left Barry. I think it was about the time that you girls wanted to learn to play poker. Remember?"

"How could I forget?" She replied. "You were so arrogant until I took all your money at the end … good old full house."

He thought for a second and considered his words. "Four of a kind." He replied.

"Excuse me?" she asked, becoming very curious.

"I remember now." He replied as he looked up to the sky.

"Remember what Ross?"

"I remember the first time I truly loved you. Four of a kind." He replied

"Then tell me. What does "four of a kind" have to do with anything?"

"You were trying to escape from your waitress job at Central Perk by interviewing at Sach's. The woman called and told you that you did not get the job. You were devastated but you still wanted to play so we did, remember?"

"Yes, I remember." She replied.

"Then you decided to up the ante for the last game of the night. You and I bet everything we had, we even borrowed from our friends. When it was all over you had won the whole thing. You were so happy."

"It made up for losing the job at Sach's and it put you in your place!" She replied.

"Four of a kind …" he replied.

"Ross, why do you keep saying that?"

"Because I had four of a kind."

"You what? You, you let me win? Why?"

"I discovered at that moment that I wanted to be with you, to take care of you but I couldn't, so I folded. It was all I could do for you at that time. I could have taken the money but I knew that you needed it more than I did … and you were so happy."

"You did that for me?" she asked.

"Yes, but I was hoping that there would be an "US" at some point in the future."

"Ross, I need to know something."

"The interrogation continues?" he quipped.

"No, I just need to know about how you felt about something about our breakup. I need to know so that I can put it behind me."

Ross stopped walking, he knew it would come up. He had prepared himself for the eventuality. He just had to put the words together for maximum effect. He looked into her eyes.

"You are going to ask me if I still thought that we were on a break." He asked.

"How did you know?"

"Rachel, I know how important this one question is to you. I've got to tell you that the question of whether we were on a break is not at all relevant to why we broke up." Ross replied, slightly raising his voice.

Rachel was taken somewhat aback by this. Her digging had exposed something and she wanted to know what.

"So you think that whether we were on a break or not doesn't matter?" She snapped, ripping her hand out of his grip.

Ross knew exactly what had to be said. The issue needed to finally be put to rest. He wanted her to understand how he felt. She needed to know his shame.

"Rachel, I am sorry I raised my voice. The time that you allow me to spend with you is very precious to me. I am going to tell you how I feel and then I am going to ask you to not ask me about it again. I am tired of this! That time of our lives was very painful for both of us. It's very difficult for me to talk about it. That being said I realize that sometimes you have to revisit the past before we can move forward."

His words were well said but she wasn't interested in beautiful words, she wanted an answer.

"So, were we on a break or not?"

"It doesn't matter." He replied.

"Why, why doesn't it matter to you? It matters to me!" Rachel replied, now starting to get emotional. Their evening was beginning to fall apart. She still needed her answer.

"Rachel, at the end of our relationship we started drifting apart. You spent a lot of time at work and less time with me. I was happy that you had found a job you liked but I was also angry that it became more important to you then me."

Tears began to form in her eyes as the horrible memories of the past welled up within her. It was as if they had traveled back in time. She was angry and was still waiting for her answer.

"Ross, my job was not more important to me than you!" she hissed.

"Rachel, people, rich or poor, have the same number of hours in the day. We spend our time on the things that mean the most to us. Toward the end I became despondent, I felt alone, and abandoned. I did not handle it well."

"You can say that again! You still haven't answered my question. In your opinion were we still on a break?" she demanded.

"Alright! Whether we were on a break or not is irrelevant. When I called you that night to talk and I heard Mark in your apartment I made a decision. Instead of going home and cooling off I stupidly slept with another woman. For months afterward I argued that we were on a break to justify it but in reality it really didn't matter. It is the fact that I did it that matters."

Tears filled his eyes as he tried to finish. "What does it say about a man who would cheat on the love of his life the same day that he thought they had broken up?"

At this point Ross looked away from her, took a deep breath and started walking again. He had no idea where they were going or even if they were still on their date but he did not want to look at her. His pain, his shame was unbearable. Rachel, taken aback by his revelation just stood there looking downward, her mouth slightly open. Coming to her senses her feet started moving. She could move like the wind when she needed to.

"Ross! Slow down!" she begged.

Hearing her call his name he stopped, slowly turning around to face her.

"When did you change your mind about our breakup?" She asked.

He could tell that she was tired from running so he looked for a spot to sit. Spotting a vacant bench he grabbed her hand and lead her to it.

"Rachel, I never changed my mind. I have always felt this way."

"Even when you were busy professing your innocence?" She asked.

"Even when I was busy professing my innocence." He replied. "Rachel, after our breakup we had our opportunities to be together again. Remember the beach house in Montauk?

"I remember." She replied.

"Remember when I confronted you about you balding Bonnie?"

"Yes."

"I pointed my finger at you and said that it was you who wanted to break up, not me. You told me that you were angry at me but that you never stopped loving me. I am going to show you something, you have to help me though."

"Show me what?" she asked, becoming very curious.

"It's quite simple and it will help you to better understand how I feel about the whole "break issue, OK?"

"Alright. What do you want me to do?"

"Sit here and don't move." He replied, stepping back from her. "OK, now imagine that we are fighting and you blame me for something that happened between us. You are really mad at me. Now lift your hand and point it straight at me. How many fingers are pointing at me?"

"One." She replied.

"Now twist your arm a little and look at your palm. How many fingers are pointing at you?"

"Three." She replied.

"Now can you understand my shame? While I was blaming you for abandoning me I was ignoring the fact that I had a choice, to sleep with her or not! Rachel, I can't say I am sorry enough and I can't take it all back. I can truthfully tell you that I am not the same man who cheated on you three years ago, I'm not even the same man you married in Las Vegas!"

The pair paused for a moment. The truth had tired them. They caught their breath. He was the first to resume.

"Can I ask you some questions about you? It will help me better understand why you are having problems trusting me."

"OK, what?"

"How many men have you seriously dated, for more than a month and that you thought you loved?" He asked. "I just need you to think of a number, you don't have to tell it to me."

Rachel considered the question. She thought and counted. She took longer than he thought she would and it made him a little uncomfortable.

"Alright, I have the number. What's your second question?"

"Of those men, how many of them cheated on you?"

At this she looked down, her eyes were filled with sadness. Ross had his answer.

"Rachel, think about all who betrayed you. Who were you the most angry at when you found out?"

She raised her eyes from the pavement to meet his. Again he had his answer.

"Rachel, when we love and trust someone we give them a power over us, a power that can be used for good or bad, a power that can be abused. I'm sorry I abused the power that you gave me. I'm sorry that I ended up being just like all the rest.

Ross and Rachel had been sitting on the bench for quite some time now. The truths they shared had come with a price. They were on a date; a date they hoped would be a happy one. Instead of a light-hearted time they were both quite sad. It was Ross who would attempt to correct this.

"Look at this, I'm on a date with one of the most beautiful women in the world and here we sit, moping on a street bench."

"One of the most beautiful? You told me that you thought that I was the most beautiful woman in the world!"

"I thought so too but I reconsidered. I now think that my sister is the most beautiful in the world."

"What? You think that your sister is more beautiful than your wife? You are not earning any brownie points with me!" she said as she playfully impacted her fist in his shoulder.

"Ow, Hey, that's spousal abuse!" he replied. They smiled.

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The sun was beginning to set behind the skyline of lower Manhattan. They were now well into their date but had traveled only a few blocks from his apartment.

"Hey Rach, what plans did you have for our date?"

She jumped to her feet. "Oh my God! I forgot about my plan!" she shrieked. Grabbing his hand and setting a heady pace they flew toward their destination. Within 15 minutes they had arrived.

"The Blue Note? Rachel, you know how much I love Jazz but this place is expensive! The cover charge alone is $50 a person!"

"Ross, you're worth it. You know that this is the best Jazz club on the planet. I just hope that they honor our reservation."

The Blue Note was, in fact the most popular Jazz club in the world. Located on West 3rd street, just south of Washington Square Park. The club had hosted the very best of the best of Jazz greats such as Tony Bennett, Ray Charles and Dizzy Gillespie. Demand for seating in the club was so great that reservations were required, in advance. Monica and Rachel had done their homework but because of their pause at the bench, they were late.

"Green, party of two!" she barked to the Maitre De, hoping for a positive response.

"I'm sorry, but you are 30 minutes late. Your table has been given to another party."

"No, no, you can't do that!" she exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, there's nothing else I can do for you."

"No, please …" she begged.

"Rachel, it's OK …" Ross interjected, trying to ease her disappointment.

"No, no it's not Ross! I had the whole evening planned out! I wanted it to be special."

"Rachel, I'm out with you, how much more special can it get?" He replied.

Having heard what he had said and realizing that she would get nowhere with the management she turned towards him and walked past, taking his hand and leading him out of the door. Outside the club she turned to face him with a saddened face and a tear in her eye.

"I'm sorry …" is all she was able to get out of her mouth before a pair of large hands gently grasped her face and pulled her towards him. He had caught her by surprise. The kiss was short but sweet. She had missed his flavor, his scent. It was their first kiss as a married couple. When it was over it took her a minute to recover, to open her eyes and return to reality.

"Thanks, I needed that."

"I meant what I said. We could go to Burger King and that would be fine so long as I am with you." He replied. And so they set off …

It didn't take the couple long to find a place to dine. The restaurant was modest, the menu, unremarkable. It didn't matter. They were together. Rachel had soon given up her disappointment of the Blue Note. After eating they mutually agreed on a trip to the past. It only took 15 minutes to travel back 15 years.

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"Oh I love this music, I grew up on it." She said. "Lets find a table and order some drinks."

Located on Varick Street, the Culture Club played the very best of the 70s and 80's. The club had a retro look, more than a decade out of touch with the present. Before they knew it they were dancing. They would not dance for long …

"Rachel, is that you?" The man asked.

Rachel recognized the voice. She turned her head to face him.

"Greg, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here with James and Colleen from work." He replied, pointing to another table in the club. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"This, this is my friend Ross." She replied.

"Nice to meet you Ross. Are you two dating?" he asked, interested in finding out about her availability.

"No." replied Rachel, flustered, hoping to keep their secret. "We're just friends out for some fun."

Unknowing to Ross, Greg had had his eyes on Rachel for quite some time. She had flirted with him in the past. He was very handsome and tall. She had been interested. All that changed with the fallout from Vegas. Greg knew nothing of what had transpired between the two. Ignorant to the facts he made his move.

"Hey man, mind if I cut in?" he asked Ross.

Emotionless, without either anger or fear Ross dropped his eyes to her. He could see that she was alright. He knew that keeping their secret was important to her.

"Sure, no problem as long as it's OK with Rachel."

She was worried. She looked into his eyes, searching for any sign of anger or jealousy. She could find no sign of it. She squeezed his hand for a moment, letting him know that she understood.

"Well, if you don't mind Ross then OK Greg, let's dance."

Returning to their table Ross took a few sips of his drink and got his first chance to survey the inside of the Culture Club. It was almost completely full. As his eyes made their way through the crowd he saw someone who stood out. She stood out not because of flashy clothes or exposed body parts but because of her conservative dress, long red hair and large pouting lips. She had taste, she had class. She saw him staring at her and smiled. He returned the smile, slightly dipping his head in recognition of her attention.

Rachel was getting uncomfortable. She was dancing with the wrong man. She had wanted to dance with Ross. Neither had let the world know of their legal bond as they had never bought the outward sign of their union … the rings. She looked over at their table just in time to see Ross staring and smiling at someone to her right. Unable to twist her head in that direction she had to wait as she and her partner turned another partial turn, enough for her to see the object of his attention. Her knees buckled as she came into view. "My God, she's beautiful!" she thought. Her heart sank.

Under normal circumstances he would have pursued her. Things were not normal. He was in love, he was committed. He was not about to make the same mistake twice. He looked away, never to see her again.

Rachel and Greg were on their 3rd dance. She was upset, almost panicked, but she never let him know it. She had thought that she was through with this, the insecurity, the lack of trust. She thought that she could trust him again. She looked again to her right, only to find the red-head gone. Turning back to their table she gasped. He too was gone. Time slowed as she examined each detail of the table. Her drink was there but his was empty, lying on its side. "Alone?" is all she could think to herself. As if by cruel irony the lyrics of the song that was being played in the club tormented her …

Standing here helpless  
Where do I go  
If you leave me alone?  
Where do I turn now  
If it don't work out?  
As for as I can see  
This isn't the way  
That you said it would be...

Don't leave me like this  
Don't leave me stranded  
If you walk away now  
You leave me empty handed  
Don't leave me like this  
Don't leave me stranded  
Don't leave me now  
Don't leave me...

Wasn't it you  
Who brought me here  
To the place lovers go?  
Just look at these arms  
Reaching out to you  
You said that you'd always care  
I just turned around  
And there's nobody there…

Don't leave me like this  
Don't leave me stranded  
If you walk away now  
You leave me empty handed  
Don't leave me like this  
Don't leave me stranded  
Don't leave me now  
Don't leave me...

She considered all the facts as she continued dancing. She trusted him … or did she? He had said what was in his heart and she had believed him … or did she? "Who was he truly? The past Ross or had he truly changed?" she thought.

"Rachel, are you alright?" Greg asked.

She came back to reality and proceeded to react in the only way she had ever known … she panicked.

"Greg, I … I gotta go!"

"Rachel, what's wrong. You're crying."

"I'm, I'm OK. I've just got something in my eye. I've got to go to the ladies room." She said as she bolted towards their table.

The table was indeed empty. There was no note to indicate where he had gone. At this point she was in full panic mode. Her eyes filled with tears. Her worst fears were again being realized. She quickly scanned the room hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Unable to find him she sank further into despair. She walked and then ran as fast as she could through the mass of people. She could barely see through her tears. Unable to find him and with makeup running down her cheeks she decided to withdraw to the ladies room to compose herself. As she ran she failed to notice the large body blocking her path. The impact stopped her instantly, sending her reeling. A pair of strong hands saved her from the fall.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" he asked.

Relief filled her body. She had found him. How would she explain her condition to him? She knew what she had to do.

"I, I was dancing, and I, I saw you staring at that girl. Then you both disappeared. Where is she?" she demanded.

"Rachel, I have no idea who she is or where she has gone off too. I did look at her and yes, I smiled to be polite but then I looked away so as not to lead her on. As I looked away I tried to grab my drink but instead knocked it over, spilling it all over myself. I came here to the restroom to clean up."

His explanation made perfect sense. She could find no deception in his eyes.

"Ross, how did you feel when I was dancing with Greg?" She asked, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"To be honest, I was a little jealous. I had wished you were dancing with me but I trust you so I was cool with it." He replied. "Rachel, I did a lot of stupid things to cause our breakup but everything that happened was caused by one thing."

"What?" she asked, wiping away even more tears.

"Fear! I was afraid. Fear is the enemy. It killed our future together because I was afraid! I just need to believe me …"

"What Ross?"

"… that I'm not afraid anymore!"

She believed him as she had never done so before. He had discarded his fear. She wished that she could do the same.

"Rachel, why don't you go clean up? I'll wait for you right here."

"Alright, I'll be right back." She replied.

She returned to him shortly, having recovered from her ordeal yet she could not hide her shame and embarrassment. She could not look at him. In an effort to comfort her he took her hand.

"Would you like to dance?" he asked.

"No, I'm tired. Can we just go home?"

Walking hand-in-hand towards the village Ross found himself in deep thought. He found himself very disappointed. He had done his best to earn back her trust. The incident at the club had shown how much progress he had made … and how much work remained before him.

"Rachel, I want to thank you for a terrific evening. I had a great time."

"Ross, how can you say that after what happened at the Blue Note and at the club?"

"I told you before that I would have enjoyed doing anything with you just so we are together. I'm your biggest fan." He replied.

"Even after the scene at the club?"

"Especially after it. It shows me two things: first that you really do care a lot about me and second, that I still have a ways to go to earn your trust.

As they approached the East Village, Ross had a craving for coffee and he knew right where to get it.

"I know you are tired but I could sure use some coffee right now. How about you?" he asked.

"That would be nice. Let's go." She replied.

As the pair approached Central Perk they spied a tall blonde running from the café.

"Phoebe!" cried Rachel.

Upon hearing her roommate's voice Phoebe cut a hard left and ran to the pair. When she arrived she was winded.

"Phoebe, what's wrong?" He asked.

"Fire!" is all she could say as she bent over, trying to fill her lungs with air.

**Credit goes to HEART for the lyrics from the song "Stranded" from their CD "Brigade".**


	7. Where there is smoke there is fire

Where there is smoke there is usually fire. The fire didn't destroy the apartment but it did enough. Phoebe and Rachel were homeless. It would take some time before it would be habitable again.

"Everything's ruined!" yelled a despondent Phoebe.

"We're homeless! Where are we going to live?" replied an equally dejected Rachel.

Ross considered the different alternatives. The group of six occupied four different apartments, now down to three; he considered how this would all play out. He interjected …

"Ladies, let's try to salvage as many of your things as possible and then head over to Monica and Chandler's. We can discuss your sleeping arrangements there, OK? Relax, you are not alone. You have friends and we are not going to let you go homeless!"

Reluctantly agreeing, Phoebe and Rachel salvaged as much as they could. Loaded with clothes, jewelry and toiletries the trio headed over to Grove Street. Entering through the front door, the trio dropped their loads on the floor, much to Monica's chagrin.

"What's all this? Why do you three feel the need to annoy me sometimes? Why, why do those clothes smell like smoke?"

Ross was the only one with any strength left to reply. "There was a fire at Phoebe and Rachel's. The place is trashed but at least they are safe. The stuff on the floor is pretty much all they have left."

"Oh my God! I'm so glad that no one was hurt!" Replied a concerned Monica. "You are both are welcome to stay here tonight. Tomorrow we can try to salvage more of your things and see if we can wash the smell out of your clothes."

"Thanks Monica but Rachel and I need to make some long term plans. We will be without our apartment for some time. We will need to arrange for some long term accommodations." Replied Phoebe.

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Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. For the group of friends it would be anything but restful. With her usual abundance of energy Monica brought her court to order.

"OK. We need to take care of Phoebe and Rachel. Chandler and I have a guest bedroom so we can take in one of them. Joey, what about you and Janine? Can you take in anybody?

"Sure." replied Joey. "The couch is free."

At this point Chandler chose to interject, much to Ross's chagrin. "What about Ross? He has a beautiful two-bedroom apartment."

Ross knew his place would be considered as a potential shelter. He was getting nervous. He wanted so badly for Rachel to stay with him. After all, they were married. He was resigned to the fact that it might be too soon or it might never happen at all. He wanted her to stay not because she had too, but because she wanted to. Monica too was getting nervous. She was the only one who knew about Ross and Rachel's marriage. She glanced over to Rachel to try to decipher her thoughts while at that same moment Ross was staring at his wife, trying to do the same.

"You are both welcome to stay at my place as long as you need to. Consider it your home. So which one of you will be staying with me?"

At that, Ross decided to extricate himself from the situation and grab a cold beer out of the fridge. He would let girls decide the sleeping arrangements and adjust accordingly.

After a few minutes Monica approached him with the news. "Ross, we decided that it would probably be best if Phoebe stayed at your place for now. Are you OK with that?"

"Of course Monica, Phoebe's like a sister to me. I'll be glad to have her stay. Can you imagine how devastated she and Rachel must feel about losing their place?"

Inwardly he was disappointed. He would get over it. At that Ross inconspicuously sought out Rachel, wanting to ensure that she was alright with things …

"Hey, how are you?"

"Hey, I'm alright I guess. I'm still recovering from losing our place and our clothes and …"

"Rachel, please put things in perspective. Your apartment will be repaired. Your clothes can be replaced, but Phoebe and yourself are irreplaceable. You are priceless. Thank God that you and Phoebe weren't hurt in the fire. Can you imagine how your friends, how I would have been devastated if you or Phoebe had been hurt?"

"I guess I was lucky that we were out on a date." She replied.

"I guess so. How do you feel about the sleeping arrangements?" He asked.

"Ross, don't think for a minute that I didn't want to stay at your place but I think it's for the best, at least for now anyway. I just want to keep our secret. And don't think for a minute that I don't trust you with Phoebe. I'm alright with it."

A slight smile came to Ross's face. If she was happy then he was too. "I'm glad to hear that. I just want to let you know how I feel about the whole situation since you never asked me." He said in a hushed tone.

The look on Rachel's face changed from happy to one of concern. She had not even considered how he would feel about this, about having to share his apartment with Phoebe. "I'm sorry, I didn't think to ask …" she replied. She was worried that he might be getting upset.

"Honestly, I would be thrilled for you to stay with me. The first thing that came to my mind when we found out about the fire and the damage it did to your stuff was to run to you, to hold you, to comfort you. All I wanted to do was rescue you. But then I realized that you are Rachel, a grown and independent woman who does not need rescuing. Phoebe and I will get along fine, but I wish it were you."

Phoebe moved into Ross's guest bedroom and got settled in without incident. It didn't take long; she only had a few things to her name. A few weeks later found the girls enjoying a coffee at Central Perk:

"So Mon, how is it going with Chandler? Asked Phoebe.

"It's going great! Living together has brought us closer together. I have a good feeling about us."

"How's it going with Rachel living with the two of you?"

"Rachel's been no bother, she's been the perfect guest." Replied Monica.

"And how is it living with Ross?" asked Monica.

The question tweaked Rachel's interest. Her husband was living with another woman. She was curious.

"You know, I had my reservations about living with him, with his tendency to be a neat freak and all but it's actually been wonderful. He let's me do whatever I want. He never complains about things and you'll never believe what he did for me last week."

She peered over her cup, totally focused on Phoebe's lips. "What, what did he do for you?" she thought. She trusted him and it was Phoebe after all, but what had he done that had left such an impression on her? Rachel momentarily took her eyes off of Phoebe to look at Monica, who's eyes were transfixed on hers.

"What, what did he do? Asked Rachel.

"The morning after I moved in I woke up to the most marvelous aromas. Ross had made me this fantastic breakfast, it tasted so good. Afterwards, we were sitting by the couch enjoying some coffee and I joked about all the weird fossils he has about the apartment. Afterwards I left the apartment; I had a few massage clients that day so I was gone for a few hours. When I got back they were all gone."

"What was gone, Phoebe?" asked a curious Rachel.

"All of the fossils, every single one of them. In a period of a few hours he had removed all of them and redecorated the room … just to suit me!"

"He what?" replied an envious Monica. She was being upstaged as a host by her big brother. She didn't like it.

Ignoring Monica, Rachel sat back into the couch. It was Phoebe after all but she was jealous. He had done all that, given up his prized fossils for another woman. She looked over at Monica and interjected …

"So Phoebe, I was thinking that we might switch apartments in a few weeks, so that Monica and Ross don't get tired of us … you know."

Phoebe raised her head and looked at Rachel, surprised. "I don't know … I mean Ross and I are getting along so well. I, I've never had it so good. I don't know why Ross would ask me to leave. You understand Monica I would just love to stay with you …"

"I understand." Replied Monica, unconvincingly.

"Hey Rachel, movie night is this Friday over at our place. Don't forget. It's our choice as to which movie to see. What do you want to rent?"

The weekend came quickly. It was movie night. Ross had gone all out. He had ordered out a variety of foods and had set up quite a spread. He was excited. She was coming. He was going to get to spend time with her. A knock came at the door. His anticipation rose …

"Hey Rach, come on in. So, what are we watching tonight?"

"I rented The Green Mile. I hope you like it."

"That's great. I heard that it was considered one of the 10 best movies last year. Give me the tape and go grab some food. I ordered out. Phoebe's in the kitchen getting the wine."

The trio sat on Ross's leather couch watching the movie. Phoebe and Ross sat at opposite ends while Rachel was seated between them. With the lights turned down Ross and Rachel moved closer together and they held hands discretely, trying not to tip off Phoebe. During the picture Phoebe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Upon her return she saw it, it was unmistakable. The closeness, the hand holding. They were a couple. It was as if her eyes had been closed and now they were opened. "What am I doing here?" she thought. As she approached she noticed the pair try to distance themselves and release their grip. She knew what she had to do.

"Good morning!" Announced Phoebe as she entered apartment 19.

"Good morning to you." Replied a reluctant Monica, trying to rid the cobwebs of slumber from her mind.

"Where's Rachel?" asked Phoebe.

"She's still asleep. I guess she didn't get back 'till late from your movie night. What did you see and how did it go?"

"It was great, we watched The Green Mile."

"Oh, I love that movie."

"Would you like to borrow it? It's not due back to the rental store until tomorrow."

"Sure, Chandler and I would love to watch it. Thanks Pheebs. So, how is it going with you and Ross?

"Oh, OK I guess. I was thinking of what Rachel said the other day about switching apartments so that you and Ross don't get tired of us. I think that it might be a good idea for us to switch apartments … if you wouldn't mind taking me in.

She was awake and she had her ear to the door. She had heard what Phoebe had said and her curiosity was getting the best of her. She opened her bedroom door. "Good Morning." She said, trying to convince the others that she had just awakened.

"Good morning." they replied. Monica then interjected.

"So Phoebe, you were talking about moving out of Ross's place?" asked Monica.

The girls glanced over at Rachel to observe her response. When she gave none they knew that she had been listening from her bedroom. She was busted.

"I heard you from my bedroom. I'm sorry that I eavesdropped on your conversation. Phoebe, why do you want to move out of Ross's place? You said you liked it there so much."

"Rachel, I think you know why I have to move out. It's not that I want to but that I have to. Ross has been the perfect roommate. Heck, I spilled some wine on his apothecary table the other day and he didn't even get upset. He told me not to worry about it."

"So then why are you leaving?" Asked Monica.

Phoebe glanced over at her friend, trying for some form of confirmation that she knew.

"It's OK Phoebe, Monica knows."

"Last night, I , I saw you and Ross, you know. You were sitting so close and holding hands. If I didn't know any better I would think that you were dating. You looked so happy; like it was in the past. I've always said you two were lobsters. Now I firmly believe it."

With tears in her eyes Rachel replied. "Phoebe, Ross and I are married. We never got divorced. When Ross began to change I decided not to sign the papers. I wanted to take it slow and give us another chance. He has said so many wonderful things in the last few months and he has backed them up with his actions. He has had a number of opportunities to be with other women and he has been faithful to me ..."

The weight of holding her emotions inside was getting too great for her to bear. Her friends could tell. They approached Rachel and lead her to the kitchen table where they sat her down, giving her some coffee and tissues to dry here eyes. She continued …

"… and I love him so very much. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts to think about the time we have lost. If I had not gotten so involved with work then he would not have felt so alone, so abandoned. He would not have cheated on me. We've lost almost three years. We could have been married. We could have had children by now!"

"Rach, it's alright." Replied Monica. "You can't go back but you have today and possibly tomorrow. Does my brother know how you feel?"

"He knows that I care about him but not much else. I've been so very careful to say as little as possible to him about my feelings. I have never stopped loving him; it's trusting him that has been my problem. I am the way you see me because I am protecting myself from getting hurt again. I know I'm being so damned selfish but I was hurt so badly when we broke up. I don't think I would survive another."

"So what are you going to do? Keep your marriage secret forever?"

"No, I know we can't do that. It's just so damned hard. If Ross would just be possessive and controlling like he was before it would be so easy, but your brother has been so good to me and when he …"

At that moment Rachel pulled a small piece of folded paper from the pocket of her robe. The paper had been folded so many times that it easily fit into her petite hands.

"… does things like this it makes me love him all the so much more."

"What, what is that?" the girls asked.

"Here, take it." Replied Rachel as she handed the paper to them.

It took them a moment to unfold the paper. Written inside was a poem. It could have been written to anyone, but he had meant it for her.

"**_To laugh is to risk appearing the fool._**  
_**To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.  
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.  
To expose feelings is to risk exposing our true self.  
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk loss.  
To love is to risk not being loved in return.  
To live is to risk dying.  
To hope is to risk despair.  
To try at all is to risk failure.**_

_**But to risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.**_

**_The man, the woman, who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing."_**

"He gave me that last night. He says he loves me and that he wants the best for me. He told me that he would wait for me but I know he can't wait forever. Ross has never had a problem finding a girlfriend. Now look at him! Whenever we go out he always has women after him. He'll find someone else!"

"Rachel, you need to talk to him. You need to open up a bit and tell him your feelings. What about moving in with him? Phoebe doesn't want to come between you …"

"I trust Phoebe and Ross; she's not coming between us."

"What did you just say?" enquired Monica. "You just said that you trust Ross."

"I, I meant that I trust Ross when it comes to Phoebe. He would never cheat on me with Phoebe."

"Rachel, it seems like you have some decisions to make. How do you think Ross would feel about you living with him?" Asked Monica.

"I, I don't know. I guess he would be alright with it. Our relationship since Vegas has been pretty much one-sided. He told me that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He even told me that he had found the one that his heart loved …me."

Small tears had formed in the girl's eyes. They had never heard such an expression of love said so eloquently. They were happy for her but a little envious. The three of them hugged, comforting themselves, strengthening the bonds between them. It was quiet and peaceful until the door slammed open.

"Monica! … there you are. So you've heard?"

The girls broke their embrace and stared at Ross. Monica was the first to speak.

"Heard what?"

"I thought that you had already heard about Dad. Isn't that why you were all crying and hugging?"

Monica glanced at her girlfriends and quickly recovered. "Sure, so … so what's wrong with Dad?"

"Mom called this morning. Dad had a mild heart attack. He's in the hospital. He's doing well. They ran some tests and found that he needs a quadruple bi-pass. He goes into surgery tomorrow. Damn his high cholesterol!"

"Are you going to the hospital?"

"I was hoping to leave within the hour. Get dressed, I'll wait for you."

At that Monica bolted to the bedroom. Rachel rose from the table and approached Ross, gently touching his hand.

"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked.

"No, it's OK. He'll be in the hospital for a week or so after the surgery so there will be plenty of time to visit. Why don't you just relax and take it easy. Take care of yourself … you're everything to me."

"I know and I will. I need to talk to you about something when you get back.

"I'll call you when I get back to my apartment."

As the last word left his mouth his sister flew out of her bedroom, grabbed her brother by the hand and rushed out the door.

8


	8. A Dream Come True?

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I made some changes that you might notice: First, I re-title the story from "His Obligatory Divorce" to "Tell Me You Love Me". The original story was intended as a one-shot, one chapter story and the original title was fine but now that I have a multi-chapter story going I thought a title change was appropriate. Secondly, I have titled the chapters.**

**I like to remember the good things in life so I have decided to dedicate each of the remaining chapters to a good cause:**

**I would like to dedicate this chapters to my beloved parents, gone but never forgotten ...**

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A child cannot fully repay the debt that is due to a parent. As a child you take them for granted. They're always there and they are frequently at your beck-and-call. You go through life thinking mostly for yourself and again, taking them for granted. Then one day it happens, it hits you like a ton of bricks, it's all been a charade. They are not indestructible, it doesn't last forever and they are going to leave you, alone. With all of the things going on in their busy lives this topic wasn't even on their radar screens. A whole new set of untested emotions rose to the surface, emotions they had never had to deal with before. They had to face the facts; they would eventually be alone …

"Keep the change." He said as he handed the driver a fifty. Before he knew it they were alone at the curb, not knowing what to do. They were numb. She was exhausted. He turned to face her just as she slumped to the ground. He lifted her and encircled her with his arms and lifted her off the ground. She rested her head on his shoulder and the tears came forth. "It's OK, everything will be alright." He said, unconvincingly. He led her up to her apartment and opened the door.

"Chandler, come quick! I need your help! Monica's distraught. She needs you! Take your fiancé and care for her. " He yelled.

The bond between his beloved sister and best friend had grown over the last few months, so much so that even Ross, usually the last to know about these things, could tell how they felt about each other. Chandler had told no one of his thoughts. Chandler wondered how he knew...

"Fiancé? Ross, what are you talking about? We're just living together!" replied Chandler, feigning ignorance.

"Chandler, you are so transparent! I know how much you love my sister. My guess is that you are thinking of proposing. Am I correct?"

"How did you know?" He replied.

"Once I got over the fact that my little sister was sleeping with my best friend I realized how perfect you are for each other. I was so upset with you for sleeping with Monica I became blinded to the fact that you might actually love and respect her. I'm sorry that I ever questioned your motives. I should have known that your intentions were entirely honorable."

"Do you think I should propose?"

Ross almost burst out laughing. He almost scoffed at the question being asked of him. He could not believe that Chandler would ask him, of all people such a question. What would he do with such advice, advice from a man with such a long history of unsuccessful marriages? Ross realized that Chandler was genuinely interested in his counsel.

"Chandler, are you sure you want advice from me, the divorcer?"

"Ross, who better than you has more experience in the field?" Joked his best friend.

Ross didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Instead he just said what was in his heart …

"I love you and you know how much I love my sister. You also know that I haven't been very successful at this marriage thing. With that being said I think that you should be true to your heart. You've known Monica for a long time. You've been friends for almost as long. There's practically nothing you do not know about her. Ask yourself what is best for her. Put her before yourself. Make your happiness second to hers and you will never go wrong."

"Thanks man. I appreciate it."

"Chandler, I am proud to be your friend. I would be ever so proud to be your brother-in-law. Follow your heart. Give your life to her. You will never regret it. I'm not telling you to propose tonight, tomorrow or next week but realize that time is short; we only have a limited number of sunrises and sunsets in this life. When you are ready then tell her so!"

"What's gotten into you Ross?"

"Chandler, Monica and I are getting a first-row seat to the death of our father. This is just the beginning of the end. He will probably survive the surgery tomorrow but eventually he will succumb to some illness or disease. Watching this drama play out makes you think. We really don't have a lot of time left on this planet! We are going to eventually die. Do you want to go leaving unresolved issues and feelings behind? Live in the moment, we may not have a tomorrow! Chandler, I have to get home and get some sleep. It will be a long day tomorrow for the both of us."

"What time is his surgery?"

"Dad's scheduled for 10 in the morning. Monica and I will have to get there pretty early. Mom will need a lot of support."

Before leaving Ross surveyed their apartment. Finding no sign of Rachel he asked "Do you have any idea where Rachel is? I was supposed to call her when I got back."

"No, I haven't seen her tonight. I'll tell her when I see her."

"Thanks man, I gotta go." And at that Ross walked down the stairs, across the street and up to his apartment.

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Under different circumstances he would have entered his apartment without regard to how much noise he made. Things were different now … he had a guest, a roommate. He did not want to wake her. He carefully inserted his key into the lock and passed into his apartment silently. The place was dim, with a few lights providing minimal lighting. "Home!" he thought, as he slid onto the couch. He slowly removed his coat and threw it onto a chair, missing it, he did not care; he was too tired to give a damn. There he sat for a few minutes, massaging his temples and trying to garner enough energy to get his exhausted frame up from the couch. He had to be up early the next morning. Ross had relaxed his body to the point that he had almost fallen asleep. He was brought back to consciousness by a pair of hands massaging his shoulders and upper back. It felt so, so good. Sitting in those uncomfortable hospital chairs had taken its toll. He was appreciative of the therapeutic massage he was receiving.

"Thanks Phoebe that feels soooo good."

"I'll have to tell her the next time I see her."

He recognized the voice. He just couldn't believe it was her.

"I thought I was supposed to call you when I got back?" He asked.

"Well, I got bored. I didn't expect you back this late. How's your dad doing?"

"He goes in for surgery tomorrow at 10. Monica and I are going to try to be there for Mom when they take him in. Oh, that feels so good!"

"Would you like something to eat?" She asked.

"I'm starving! Wait, did you make this food yourself?"

"Do you want a punch? I made this dinner and you are going to eat it!" She replied. "Do you want to starve or what?"

"It depends …"

"Fine, go hungry …"

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I am under a lot of stress and the only way I can seem to relieve it is to joke around. Please, I'd love to have some dinner. Could you bring me some, please?"

And at that his wife exited to the kitchen, soon to return with a dinner plate and drink.

"How is it?" She asked.

"Oh my God, this tastes good! Did you make this yourself?"

"I had a little help from Monica. All I had to do was defrost it and warm it up."

"Well, this is great. I really appreciate it. Why don't you grab some wine and come sit down? Didn't you want to talk? By the way, where's Phoebe?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Phoebe and I switched apartments. She's going to stay at Monica's and I'm going to stay here … if it's alright with you of course."

"Rachel, are you joking me or what?"

"No Ross, this is no joke. You said that you wanted me to stay and Phoebe saw us holding hands the other night. She knows about us."

"So now Phoebe knows …"

"And so does your sister."

"How did Monica find out?"

"I told her. I needed to tell someone and she is my closest friend."

"So let me get this straight, 4 of the six of us now know about our "secret". Don't you think we might as well tell Joey and Chandler?"

"In good time. So, do you want me to stay or not?"

"Rachel, don't you know me at all? At that moment he reached over to her and pulled her into his arms. He held her close and whispered into her ear. "I meant it when I said that I wanted you to stay. I'd like you to want to stay and never leave."

Ross was tired but it didn't matter. His father's health problems had sucked the life out of him. Her gentle touch and body warmth reenergized him. He took her hand as her released her from his embrace.

"Can you keep a secret?" He asked.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Chandler is going to propose to Monica!"

"When? How do you know?"

"Soon and I talked it out of him. We have to keep quiet and let Chandler ask her when he's ready."

Rachel contemplated what she had just heard. Her heart almost exploded with joy at the news. Soon she would have a brother, her first but only if she could just accept the fact that Ross was the one that she loved, that he had changed and that he would never cheat on her again. Rachel knew that Ross would make her the center of his universe. The pieces of a perfect and flawless puzzle were coming together. She was worried though, nothing so perfect had ever happened to her before. If she would just accept it she would soon have the most loving man and the best brother and sister she could have ever asked for.

Finishing his dinner Ross took his plate to the kitchen and uncharacteristically left it in the sink, dirty. He was too tired to be bothered by such trivialities. He returned to the couch.

"OK Rach, you wanted to talk? I'm here, I'm all ears. What's up?"

"I wanted to talk more about 'us" and about me moving in. Moving in with you was a big leap of faith for me. I'm scared."

"What are you so scared of?"

"I'm afraid of you and what you represent! I want you to understand why I am so gun shy. I was hurt so badly during our breakup. I don't think I would survive another. I talked to Phoebe and Monica and we came up with the idea for me to move in to your place on a trial basis. I'll stay a few weeks and then move back into Monica's place. It will give me a chance to see how I feel about our situation."

Ross was somewhat disappointed. He had hoped that she would want to stay permanently. He had to accept her in the condition she was in or else give up a chance to live, albeit temporarily with his beloved wife.

He continued, remembering why she still mistrusted him …

"Those were difficult times, you know."

"What, what are you talking about Ross?"

"The time right after our breakup, it was tough. We were both devastated and furious at each other. Do you ever try to remember what happened?"

"Not often." She replied. "It was a time of great sadness for me, a time that I would prefer not to remember."

"Rachel, we have to learn from the past so that we do not repeat the mistakes we made. Remember how we could not even be in the same room or do things together? You and the others went skiing without me because you couldn't stand to be around me."

"And you rescued us with some gasoline." She replied.

"It was the least I could do."

"I remember that day that you decided to pack the stuff I had left at your place in a box and returned them to me. And then I childishly demanded that you return my "Frankie Says RELAX" shirt."

"But then you gave it back to me." She replied.

"It didn't fit." He joked.

She laughed.

Ross's face went blank as a memory came to mind; a memory so frightening he only just then recalled it.

"Oh my!" He sighed.

"What, what's wrong?"

"A memory, a memory so painful I guess I've been repressing it these two long years."

"What memory? What was it about?"

He turned his head to face her and his mind became awash with emotions. His eyes were aimed at hers. They glistened with tears as they pierced through her.

"Chandler and I were coming up the stairs after playing racquetball. We were talking there in front of his door as you came out of your apartment, but you … you were not alone. My fears, my worst nightmares, they all came true as I watched you leave with him, with Mark."

"We just went out on a date." She replied.

"But you … you don't know, I've, I've never told anyone what happened after you left."

"What happened? Please Ross, tell me!"

"After you left I went with Chandler into his apartment. There I stayed while you were on your date, my eyes glued to the peephole. When you came home the both of you went into your apartment and, and you closed the door. I was so upset. I lost all self-control. I was going to burst into your apartment to save you, to take what was mine, but you and I were no longer together and only Chandler could see that. Chandler jumped on my back, trying to stop me. I carried him along until he grabbed the foosball table. It was a sight indeed. Me, carrying Chandler who was dragging the foosball table behind him! Thank God Chandler was there. He convinced me that you had moved on and that I needed to do the same. The feeling of dread left me but the feeling of sadness never did."

"I remember that day vividly. Do you know what happened between Mark and I in my apartment?"

"No, I'm not sure that really want to." He replied.

"Mark kissed me. You were right all along. He wanted to sleep with me, to help me get back at you for sleeping with Chloe, but … I couldn't do it to you."

"No?"

"No."

Both sets of eyes were set upon each other. Both glistened with the slightest hint of tears …

"Do you remember the time that you broke your rib skating with Monica?"

"You gave up doing that TV show on the Discovery Channel to take me to the hospital."

"I was seeking a little redemption, Rachel. I would have given my life for you."

There was another pause as both looked downward … their eyes were again wet with tears.

"Of course you remember Bonnie? Phoebe told me that she asked you if it was alright with you for her to introduce us. You said it was alright because you thought she was bald and you assumed she was no threat to you. When you saw that she had a beautiful head of hair you freaked out. Then you helped her shave it all off. I confronted you about it and you told me that you loved me. We kissed. I wanted for us to be together again. I could have cheated on Bonnie with you but I didn't. That's not the way I do things. I don't cheat. I had to break up with her just like I broke up with Julie. So that I could be with you."

Ross was on a roll. He was stating facts, not trying to hurt her.

"Months later you, you ask me to take another woman to the opera so that you can go flirt with that Joshuah guy at a club opening. I finally agree to help you get your man. I take Emily to the show and within weeks Emily and I announce our engagement. You tried so very hard not to show it … but you were devastated. I could tell."

His body, his mind were starting to buckle under the stress of the day. He continued, he was almost finished …

"I leave you in sadness in your apartment as I head to the airport and ultimately to London. You told me that you had to work … I knew you were lying. You discover something that our friends knew all along … that you still loved me. You had to come to London to tell me. You show up at my wedding. Your mouth told me congratulations while your eyes cried "take me!" I know now why you came to London, your eyes betrayed you. And I, I was so devastatingly in love with you that I said your name when I should have said hers."

Rachel's eyes again betrayed her as she could not look up from the floor.

"After we returned from London you felt compelled to tell me that you still loved me. I was not totally surprised. You told me this knowing that I was still married to Emily. I could have cheated on Emily with you but I didn't. I was married. Cheating on Emily with you would have been wrong."

Ross moved his hand over her hand and let it come to rest gently on it. She raised her head and he finished …

"Rachel, what, in all of our history, other than Chloe, gives you the idea that I would cheat on you? If I couldn't cheat on Bonnie or on Emily what makes you believe that I would cheat on you, the love of my life? Do you know, do you understand just how much more important you are to me then they ever were?"

They looked at each other not with eyes of sadness but with those full of love.

Ross was physically and mentally exhausted. He gently squeezed her hand and kissed her on the cheek, he was going to bed. Just before he made it to vertical he felt a tug, a pull that would not allow him to fully stand. He looked down and spied her eyes penetrating him. Her eyes were glassy but she was not crying. She wore a slight smile on her face …

"What?" He asked.

Before he knew it she had pulled him back down onto the couch. Within a half-second she was on top of him. He was under attack by her lips. She kissed every square inch of his face, finally settling on his lips. There, they lay for what seemed like eternity, kissing and hugging and rubbing each others arms and back. And then it happened. Her kissing slowed, her breathing became deeper. She began to kiss him with the intensity of a woman who had been without for a long time. Ross felt it too. He wanted her so badly. They were married after all … but something inside of him did not feel right. He was feeling those old feelings again, those that intoxicated him. He knew that he was becoming drunk with her, with everything about her. If he was going to do something it would have to be done quickly … with everything he had he pulled his mouth from hers …

"Rachel."

It took her a while to come out of her daze. Her mouth was open, her eyes were closed.

"Wha, wha, what's wrong? " She whispered. "I thought we were going to have sex?"

He gently grabbed her arms and repositioned her on the couch so that they laid side-by-side, with each laying their heads on the cushions so they could look into each others eyes.

"Rachel … I've never had sex with you and I never want to."

His reply confused her. They had had sex many, many times, both before and even once after their breakup. With her eyes half open, looking right into his she asked …

"What do you mean never? We've slept together hundreds of times."

"No Rachel, I've never had sex with you, I made love to you. I was in love with you from the very first time that we were together, right there in the museum."

A broad smile formed on Rachel's face as she remembered their first night together.

"For me … it's been about the love. Sex can be great but when you love someone the way I love you it is so much more. I've never had just sex with you."

As he gently stroked her hair he continued …

"Rachel, have you ever thought about the future, our possible future?"

"I've been trying to spend my time thinking about now, the present." She replied.

"I understand. But I want to you to consider the future for a moment. The way I see it we have three possible outcomes to look forward to."

Of all the changes that Ross had made to himself during his transformation one of the most striking was his maturity. It was not evident when looking at him, like his hair or clothes but it was oh so much more important. Instead of recklessly charging into the future, he had thought hard about his choices and considered the consequences of each.

"Three? What are they Ross?"

"One, our relationship can stay the way it is, in this limbo that it is in, somewhere between being just friends and being husband and wife."

There was a short pause …

"The second outcome is that we go back to being just friends again. We get to watch each other as we date other people. We get a front row seat to watch each other try to move on."

There was another short pause …

"The last outcome involves us staying together and committing to each other, forever."

"Rachel, I'm sorry but I can't make love to you, not right now anyway. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life but we have to wait, no, I have to wait until you make your decision."

Ross had done everything humanely possible to convince her of his love and commitment to her. Now they were taking their relationship to the next step, they were going to live together, albeit celibately. He was happier now then he could ever remember but something nagged at him. He had done EVERYTHING possible and she was still unsure and untrusting. He would not pressure her for he knew that would push her away. In the back of his head was the issue of his father's surgery and the fallout from it. He knew he would lose him eventually, he just hoped that it would not be for a long time.


	9. To be Worthy of Trust

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. We are now totally off the storyline as seen in the show. As we move farther away I am having a harder time writing because before I had the show to base chapters on, now it's all up to me. I will try to get the next chapter up sooner as it is already partially written. I have already written an Epilogue too. I see this story as going to about 15 chapters, but don't hold me to that … The one thing I do promise is that I will finish this story, and soon.**

**I dedicate this chapter to those great authors who started fantastic fanfics and never finished them. Some of my most favorites are:**

**Can't Fight the Night by Tina**

**Crazy Love, a FANTASTIC story by Silverseahorse**

**And Sometimes the Best Secrets Are Better Left Unsaid by Rachgreengeller**

** And as always, reviews are very much appreciated ...  
**

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Ask yourself this question: Have you ever truly been in love? The kind of love that conquers all problems, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, no matter what? He thought that he had … he was wrong. Lately, he had found his foundational beliefs shaken to their very core. He thought he had loved only three women in his lifetime. The last four weeks of living in her midst had shown this fallacy to be self evident … it had only ever been one, her. When you are fortunate enough to get this close to someone you get to know them intimately, their little quirks, their moods, those things that make them the way they are … the reason you love them. As each day passed he seemed to love her more, if that was at all possible. But he knew that something was wrong. The more his love for her grew, the more she distanced herself from him.

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It is 9 PM …

Ross sits on his couch, alone; his only companions are a nearly empty glass of wine and a book in his hand. The book was opened to page 1,240. He read to himself:

"Trust, noun - Total confidence in the integrity, ability, and good character of another. To depend upon, rely. To believe in. To rely upon or depend on confidently."

He then moved his finger further down the page. Finding what he was looking for he continued …

"Trustworthy, adjective -To be worthy of trust".

As he sat there considering the words he allowed his mind to recall their last conversation. She had left him only an hour before. The place seemed so cold, so hollow and so empty without her.

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Two hours earlier … 7 PM

The sun was preparing for its long nights slumber as Ross entered his apartment. The exhaustion that he had normally felt had been replaced by feelings of anticipation every night that he came home from work. For four weeks he had felt an urgency, like a salmon swimming upstream, to hurry; to get home at all cost. He wondered what they would eat or watch or talk about in those hours between his arrival and that moment when they had to sleep. Those few precious hours made the rest of the day worth living. As he entered the apartment he was not prepared for the scene before him. The screaming smoke alarm was the first indication that something was wrong, followed by the smoke exiting the kitchen. As he entered the kitchen it was all he could do not to laugh. Throwing his coat and briefcase on the couch her came to her aid. He ran to the oven, the source of the smoke and turned it off. Grabbing oven mitts he grabbed the burning mass that was their dinner and set in the sink and ran cool water over it. He then ran around the apartment opening windows in an attempt to let the smoke escape. Returning to the kitchen he found a tearful Rachel, struggling to maintain her composure.

"Rachel, it's all right. We'll clean this up and order some takeout, or we can go out if you like."

"No, Ross. I wanted to make dinner by myself … I should have known that it would have been a total disaster. "

"Don't be so hard on yourself. This could have happened to anyone." He replied, somewhat insincerely. Ross knew how bad of a cook she was. It took skill to make dinner this badly.

She raised her eyes from the floor and looked at him. Instead of stopping, her tears only increased. As he watched her condition degrade he stared, in what appeared to be slow-motion as her lips parted and she began to speak.

"Ross, we need to talk."

Time stopped. Those words, those terrible words. "We need to talk." Anyone who has had any experience with relationships knows the significance of those words. 9 out of 10 times it usually means bad news, very bad news. He had deluded himself into believing that things were going well. Those four words brought him back to reality. "**We need to talk**". This conversation required that they sit, facing each other. They moved to the couch.

"Alright Rachel, what would you like to talk about?"

As a lawyer you are taught never to ask a question that you do not already know the answer to. Ross would have made a good lawyer. He already knew the answer to his question; he just wanted to hear it from her lips, those beautiful lips. She carried a large manila envelope, one that he recognized all too well. It had sat in his bureau for quite some time. He had gotten to the point where he had never thought they would ever be needed. Again, he was wrong. He kicked himself for not throwing them away.

Rachel could not look into his eyes, instead looking down at the envelope. She opened it and pulled out the instrument of their destruction. This time there would be no impassioned plea for mercy, there would be no reasoning it out. There would be no last-minute revelations of love or desire. She knew how much he loved her. She had to save him … save him from himself and from her.

What happened next had to be rehearsed … but it wasn't. The pair had been down this road before. The whole scene played out like an old silent movie. They knew what was happening and what was going to happen without saying as much as a word. She handed him the knife and he took it. He looked at the instrument in a business-like fashion, making sure that it was complete and ready to be thrust into their hearts. Convinced that she had signed correctly he placed them on the table and looked at her, his eyes pleading with her to look at him, to tell him that it would all be alright. She failed him … she couldn't do it; she didn't have either the strength or courage to alleviate his grief. He looked down and lifted the pen in his hand. Twice he signed his name, twice he shed a tear. His dream of reconciliation was at an end. He gathered up the instrument of death, inserted it into the envelope and closed it.

The future that he had hoped for had vanished, replaced by the coldness of both the unknown and of loneliness.

He again looked up at her, hoping she would meet his eyes. This time she had built up the courage to do it and for the first time met his. Her eyes were red, her face streaked with black tears.

"I'm sorry" is all that she could say.

"I know."

"Ross, please forgive me."

"Why should I forgive you, you've done nothing wrong. You have to do what is best for you. We both want what is best for you.

"Ross, do you think this is best for me?"

He looked away and cried, silently. All of his energy went into trying to conceal his condition. She put her hand gently on his back. He was electrified at the feeling of her touch.

"Ross, are you OK?"

After a short pause he whispered to himself, barely audible to her "To thine own self be true …" He had to be honest with himself. He had to tell her the truth.

"No. No, I don't think this is best for you and no, I am not alright. I'll get you a copy of the papers from my lawyer. You will have written proof of our divorce this time."

She couldn't do it anymore. She had to lower her eyes. If she hadn't he would have seen through, into her soul, into the depths of her sadness and despair. It was something she could not allow him to see. She loved him. To see it would have killed him. He saw her eyes and knew. He rose from the couch and headed towards his bedroom. It only took him a moment to return.

"I have something for you. Please take it."

And at that he handed her an envelope. It was small and sealed with a wax seal.

"Rachel, I know that you have to go. Please don't read this until you get back to Monica's, please." He begged.

"What, what is it?" She asked.

"It's for you. I know that you are hurting. Please let me help. I wrote this the day you moved in and had it sealed ever since. I knew when you moved in that this could happen. Do you remember the conversation we had that night you moved in?"

"I remember." She replied.

"Let me help you pack your things …"

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An hour earlier … 6 PM

"Rachel, would you like some cream and sugar?"

"Thanks Monica, just cream please."

"What about you, Phoebe?"

"No thanks, I'll take my tea straight. So Rachel, it's been a month since you moved in with Ross, how is it going between the two of you?"

Sitting around Monica's kitchen table the three friends eyed each other. Rachel's eyes traveled between her friends who intently waited for her reply.

"Things are going great. We've not fought or even had an argument since I moved in."

"So then you've decided to live with Ross permanently?" Asked Monica.

Rachel had never been very good at keeping secrets from her friends, especially her sister-in-law. She eyed them and then looked down at her coffee. Monica had her answer.

"Rachel, NO! Please tell me that you are not going to leave him! Why would you do that? You said that things were great and you love each other so much!"

Rachel sat there like a young girl, guilty of some parental violation, unable to look her mother in the eye. It was as if she felt guilty about having done something bad or at least for being caught doing it. As usual, she tried to deal with a difficult situation in her own way … to run.

"Monica, I ... I have to go."

"Rachel! Please for once stop and deal with your problems instead of running away from them!

And into the New York dusk she ran … she had to prepare. She had to prepare for their execution.

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The present time … 9 PM

Ross was brought out of his reminiscence by a knock on the door. He rose to answer it, naively hoping that she had returned. As he opened the door he found his sister … and his returning roommate.

"How are you doing Ross? We were worried about you." Replied Monica.

"Monica, look at me, look at my eyes. What do they tell you?"

Monica felt saddened by his abruptness. She looked into his eyes for a moment and then dropped hers to the floor.

"Monica, I am sorry, so utterly sorry. I just got divorced for the third time, and I'm only in my early 30's! To top it off I just got dumped by the woman of my dreams, the woman I thought would be with me until death."

He looked down and rubbed his forehead …

"How is my ex-wife doing?"

"She's doing as well as can be expected I guess. Rachel told us what happened."

With genuine concern on her face she approached her brother and raised herself on her tiptoes, struggling to get her petite arms around his lofty neck.

"I'm so sorry Ross. I had so many hopes and dreams for you both. I love you both but I have to be honest, I'm a little pissed at Rachel right now. How could she do this to you? She was the one who suggested that you get married in Las Vegas! She was the one who gave you false hopes by not signing the divorce papers! Now she unilaterally decides to break your heart, again! How many more times will you be able to stand up again after you fall down? You and Rachel have been through more in four years then most people go through in a lifetime. How Ross, how are you going to survive this?"

"You know Monica, I don't know why I was so lucky to get you as a sister. I love you so much."

Turning his head he addressed Phoebe …

"… and I love you too Phoebe. You are also my sister."

Giving his sister a gentle hug he released her and wiping a tear asked them to sit on the couch while he sat on the apothecary table. He looked at his sister and gently took her hand in his. Turning to Phoebe, he took hers too. Gently caressing the back of their hands he asked them for help …

"Monica, Phoebe, I need to talk to you. You both know how much I love that woman. I told her that I loved her and I wanted the best for her. If I really meant what I said then this is the time that I need to show it. We talked about the possibility of this happening when she moved in, now we have to deal with the consequences."

He looked at Phoebe and then back to Monica …

"I need you to be her best friends and be there for her, regardless of what has just happened here. On the surface this may seem like Rachel left me because she can't trust me but I've got a feeling there more to this than meets the eye. There is something that she will not talk about. I can't help if she won't tell me what's wrong. I just hope that Rachel can get the help she needs. She deserves to be happy …"

His eyes then turned downward signaling his acknowledgment of the present and the implications of them not being together. He continued …

"Do you remember when I slept with Chloe and how angry we were at each other? Well that is not going to happen this time. We have changed and matured." He looked at Monica. "Do you remember how you were caught between your brother and your best friend? I realize that Rachel and I put you all in a very uncomfortable position … that is not going to happen again."

Ross then paused as he looked between them into space.

"When we discussed the possibility of getting a divorce we also talked about what the consequences would be. While this has been difficult on both of us, the hardest part is yet to come. Rachel is a beautiful woman; she can have any man she wants. I just don't want to be around when she decides to "move on". I've watched in dread as she dated other men. It's just too damn painful! I want to be with her and I can't be! It will torment me to watch it happen all over again."

Ross then imagined how Rachel would react to him dating other women …

"If I really do love Rachel then I would not want her to see me dating other women either. Don't you remember how she reacted to Julie, to Bonnie and Emily? I don't want to cause her any more pain. I have no desire to be with anyone right now but if I ever do I'll have to be discreet about it. This may inevitably cause some of us to have to distance ourselves from our group of friends."

Phoebe chose this time to interject …

"Ross, yes, it was hell watching the both of you fight and being in the middle of it but we want to be here for you. If it was alright with you I was going to come back and stay here but if you want to be alone, well, I'll understand."

"Phoebe, I said it before; you are like a sister to me. You are always welcome in my house. Please think of it as your own. You can stay here as long as you want, even after your apartment is fixed if you wish. Heck, I could really use the company right now. You make a wonderful roommate. Do you need help getting your stuff?"

"Ross, thanks, but Monica and I can handle it. Rachel is over at Monica's … maybe its best if just the two of us went over. You understand, don't you?

"Of course. I'll see you later. Here is your key. Welcome home Phoebe."

At that moment the phone decided to ring …

"Hello."

"Ross, its mom, we need to talk. We have a problem …"

Ross looked at his sister with much concern. Monica knew something was wrong. He had thought he was ready for what lay ahead. Instead, life would ask much more of him, much more. He would be asked to serve, to sacrifice, to comfort … until it hurt and then some. He turned to his sister …

"It's Mom. Something's wrong with Dad …"

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Exhausted, sad, guilty; these are all terms that could be used to describe how she looked and felt as she sat on the balcony, thinking about the homicide she'd just committed. She had suggested the marriage in Las Vegas. She had not signed the papers. She had agreed to move in with him. She had decided to end their union. Now she reaped the whirlwind, alone.

The air was chilly; she was ill-prepared for the cold. Instinctively she reached her hands to the pockets of her jeans, hopeful that they would warm her hands. As her right hand entered her pocket she felt it … the envelope. She removed it and looked at it. "For Rachel" is all it said. She was tired but curious as to what he had given to her. She gently opened the wax seal and removed a simple one page letter, written the day she had moved in with him. His writing could be best described as a combination of that of a doctor and a 6 year-old child. She read the letter to herself …

"**_Rachel,_**

**_If you are reading this it is safe to assume that our marriage has failed. I hope it wasn't because I didn't try. I pray that I have caused you no more hurt. I do not have to tell you how I feel about you … I think that you already know. When we first started dating four years ago we took a leap of faith. Unfortunately, it did not work out and I hurt the one I loved. Our breakup caused our beloved friends much pain and misery. I will hope that we will not let that happen again._**

**_We have been friends for a long time and for a while you honored me by calling me your best. After an appropriate period of mourning I hope that you will once again be able to call me your best friend. Whatever happens I want you to know that I will always be there, I will always be your friend … until you tell me that I am not._**

**_At least we can say that we gave it our best shot …_**

**_Ross_**"

It was fortunate for Rachel that he had used a ball-point pen to write the letter, her tears would have washed anything else away. The last few words of his letter would haunt her "…at least we can say that we gave it our best shot."


	10. The First Step

**I wanted to thank all who left a review for chapter 9. I thought long and hard about your comments. Here we go with chapter 10. Before you read this remember, truth is stranger than fiction. Not all of this is fiction … part of it is therapy.**

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The door to apartment #20 opened, a stunned Monica enters, with Phoebe's help.

"What happened? What's wrong with Monica?" Asked Rachel, concerned for her friend.

"We were over at Ross's and the phone rang. Judy called to let him know that something is very wrong with Jack. Ross decided to take a cab to their parent's house to talk to them while Monica stayed here. She has to work. Help me get her to the couch …"

At that moment Phoebe looked up at Rachel, staring deeply into her eyes. She continued …

"… and hope and pray that Ross doesn't blow his brains out with all he's had to deal with recently."

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Ross was as calm and collected as could be expected, yet he was still unprepared for what he was about to hear …

"Ross, your father and I just came back from the doctor."

Ross and Judy were alone, sipping coffee in the Gellar kitchen. Jack was feeling the effects of his illness and had since called it a night. Except for the kitchen the house was dark. She was alone. She had buried her parents years ago. She was alone and thought in retrospect as to how she had gotten to that moment in her life. She had played many parts during her lifetime: daughter, girlfriend, wife and mother. Instead of a relaxed, comfortable retirement she considered the new role that life had presented, that of caregiver.

"Is there something wrong? Dad looks much better since the surgery. Tell me, tell me what's going on!" he demanded.

"Yes Ross, your father's condition has improved but not up to the doctor's expectations."

Judy's voice was beginning to break up a bit, her voice becoming hoarse. She was tearing and he could tell she was going to cry …

"Based upon a recommendation from his cardiologist we went to see a specialist, a Hematologist. He ran some tests that confirmed, that confirmed …"

"Confirmed what?" He demanded.

"That confirmed that your father has blood cancer. He has what's called multiple myeloma. Your father will have to have chemotherapy in an attempt to put the cancer into remission. If the therapy works he will have to have dialysis for the rest of his life …"

Ross was curious. "Dialysis? What does kidney dialysis have to do with a blood cancer?"

Judy responded … "The chemotherapy, whether it works or not will destroy his kidney function. Your father will have to be hooked to a dialysis machine as much as four hours a day, 3 days a week."

Ross was shocked, as surprised as anyone could be. He knew things were bad but not this bad. Ross wasn't prepared for his mother's next words …

"Ross, … your fathers prognosis is not good. Before we left the clinic I was able to talk to the doctor without your father hearing. I asked him how long we could expect him to live. He told me …"

Tears. He had known her since his birth but he could not remember her ever being this despondent. She cried. He wanted to hold her and surround her, the woman who bore him, the woman who raised him, the woman who favored him over his beloved sister, the woman who loved him unconditionally.

"Mom, please, I know your upset but please tell me … what did the doctor say?"

"The doctor told me that the average life expectancy for this type of cancer is only three years …"

Ross wept.

Judy stared at her son, her flesh and blood. She had spent her whole life protecting him from hurt and from pain. She couldn't do it anymore. He was an adult. He and his sister would eventually be alone. He had to feel it. He had to feel the pain. He had to feel it so that he could learn how to cope with the loss. At that moment Judy actually realized something so very important to a woman, to a mother. She learned that you never stop being a mother. It doesn't end when they leave the nest or get married or divorced. It never ends. You never stop caring. You never stop hoping. You never stop teaching your children how to deal with adversity …

She had to teach her child how to say goodbye with dignity.

Ross looked at her with eyes full of sadness. He had spent the last few minutes thinking only about his loss. He had not considered hers. She was the one who fell in love with his father. She was the one who had made the lifetime commitment. She was the one who had bore him his two beloved children. Now she would get to watch him die. He thought about what she would most need …

"Mom, I love you. You are scared and devastated right now. I want you to know that I will try to be your strength when you are weak, your friend when you're alone. Please … please let me be what you need me to be. Please let me be your best friend. I will always be your son but you need more now. Please let me help …"

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Three weeks later …

"Monica, have you seen my hair straightener?"

"Sorry Rachel, the last time I saw it was right after it caused the fire at Phoebe's apartment. It was all black and melted."

"Ha, ha, very funny. I bought another one when I lived with Ross and now I can't find it. I haven't seen it for weeks! I have an important staff meeting tomorrow and I have to look my best. It's just a big show but I can't afford not to look the part."

"Phoebe, do you remember seeing it over at your place?"

"Sorry Rachel, I don't remember coming across it but that doesn't mean it's not there."

"Phoebe, can you go over with me to look for it?

"Sorry Rachel, but I'm already late for a massage client. Today's going to be a good day. I've got three clients in a row! By the way, if you do go over to our apartment you have a message on our answering machine. Apparently someone at work still doesn't know that you have moved. Here are the keys, gotta go."

… and like the wind Phoebe was gone.

Rachel looked at Monica and considered what to do next.

"Monica, could you please go over to Ross's and look for my straightener, please?"

"Why can't you go over and look, Rachel?"

"I think its best that I not show up at his door. I'm trying to give him his space."

Monica was enraged. The pent-up anger and frustration of the recent past was coming to the surface. She was sick and tired of her brother being hurt.

"Give him his space? What the hell are you talking about? He doesn't want his space and you know it! Stop lying to me and to yourself! You know the worst thing Rachel? You know the truth, you know how he feels and you know that you love him too but for some God forsaken reason you're too damn stubborn to face it!"

At that Monica stormed off into her room but not before firing one more shot at her friend.

"If you need your precious hair straightener so badly why don't you just go over there and get it yourself?"

… and at that she slammed her door, hard.

Taken aback, Rachel grabbed her coat and headed slowly for the door. She was angry at her roommate but knew that she was right.

Rachel had no desire to go over to his apartment and to possibly run into him. The last thing she wanted was a confrontation, but she needed her straightener …

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Quietly she inserted the key into the lock and opened the door to her memories. Her time there had been pleasant and peaceful, too much so. It had been an unfamiliar feeling to her. Her relationship with Ross had seen so many ups and downs. It had been so stormy since the breakup that she felt strange when things ran smoothly with him. It was an odd feeling. She looked at the floor and snickered at her peculiar behavior.

"To think that I feel more comfortable fighting with Ross than at peace with him."

With an air of urgency she began her search. She tried the usual places, the bathroom, the bureau. She finally hit pay dirt as she searched her old closet.

"Ah ha! Finally, my hair straightener!"

As she headed to the door Rachel remembered that Phoebe had told her about a message that a co-worker had left on the answering machine. Reluctantly Rachel grabbed a nearby pad and pen and sat before the machine. Something told her that she shouldn't … but she did, she pushed play. She would regret it.

BEEP

"Hey Ross, this is Melinda from the gym. Hey, I called you on Friday but you didn't call me back. Please call me when you get this. My number is 555-2465. Maybe we could go out this weekend … bye."

BEEP

"Ross, this is Peggy. We met at the Paleontology symposium last week. I absolutely loved talking to you about your work during lunch. Please give me a call at 555-9170.. Maybe we can get together sometime. Byeee."

At this point Rachael's stomach was turned into a knot. She wondered if listening to her message would be worth it …

BEEP

Mr. Gellar, this message is from Dr. Wells, your father's Nephrologist. Please call my office at 555-1004. I need to talk to you about your father's dialysis regiment, when he will need treatment, the risks of that treatment and his long-term prognosis. I look forward to your call …"

Rachel had done her best to wear a safe mask, to appear that she and everything about her were fine when in reality her world was imploding. She had been in a relationship with a man who truly loved her and put herself before him … yet she had left him. She had bolted at a time when he needed her most. He was losing a loved one … without her support. She had hurt the one she loved and all because of fear.

Ross had been successful at casting off his fear, choosing to live in the light. Rachel, on the other hand had chosen the dark and to live with fear as her constant companion. Her fear prevented her from truly living and from the closest thing to true happiness she had ever known.

BEEP

"Dr. Gellar, this is Tony from the Psychology department at NYU. I'm calling to let you know that I have to go out of town for a few days and will not be here for our next scheduled session. Please call my office in the next three days to reschedule."

The message left her speechless. She knew that their divorce and Jack's illness had hit him hard, she just didn't know how hard until now. Since his transformation he had had an air of confidence. He seemed to have it all together. Part of her wanted to run to his aid, to comfort him. She wondered … she couldn't.

BEEP

"Hey there Ross, this is Angie from the nightclub. I had a good time talking to you and your friend Joey the other night. When you get the chance why don't you give me a call at 555-8878. Maybe we can have dinner some time. Talk to you later …"

She had had enough. "No message is so important that I have to put myself through this!" She thought.

With clenched fists and anger behind her tears she left the apartment, making sure to slam it for good measure …

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She had been such a fool. At her age she would not allow herself to fall for another's lie, another's deception. The acts of walking out on her wedding and out of her parent's home had served to allow her to live and to grow, to be independent. She had the life experiences to show for it. The problem though is that she was not being lied to by another. The deceit was insidious, it came from within.

As she lay on her bed staring up she thought about a life without fear, without anxiety. She had lied to all, including herself. "It's all about being able to trust." She thought, laughing at herself and her lie. She cried as she thought about the fallacy of being able to trust him, when in reality she could not trust herself.

Crying has a tendency to tire a body; she was very tired as she slowly went to sleep … as the door to the apartment opened.

Three exhausted bodies walked through the door …

"Shhh! Rachel might be asleep! Keep your voices down!" Whispered Monica, in her own special way.

Chandler quietly closed the door and put his coat down on the couch as Ross handed him a beer from the fridge.

"No thanks man. I had too much to drink at the restaurant. I've had it, I'm going to bed."

As he tried to make his exit a large hand grabbed his arm, pulling him gently onto the couch.

In a slight whisper he asked. "Chandler, have you asked her yet?"

"No, not yet, but I'm planning to very soon. With everything that's happening with you're your dad I didn't think it was the right time. Why do you ask, are you anxious to become brothers-in-law?"

"Yeah, that's it. I can't wait for my sister to be known as Monica Bing."

"I like the sound of that, actually." Replied Chandler.

"I thought you would. Good luck Chandler, I guess you'll know when the time is right."

"Goodnight Ross. Take care of yourself. Your mother and sister need you right now."

"Goodnight Chandler …" and at that he went to bed.

"You're drinking too much Ross!" She whispered as loud as she could.

"Thanks mom." He replied as he finished the first bottle and picked up the second. "Monica, this is my way of coping. Please believe me; I am not going to become an alcoholic."

"I know that you won't but drinking is no way to wash away the sadness, it only makes it worse."

"Having a drink numbs me … so that I can cope … let's just leave it at that."

From time-to-time their whispers would become loud. She was concerned for their privacy and for the possibility that they might wake her up. For a moment she wondered if she was even home. Monica walked to her room and slowly opened the door, ensuring that she was there. She was asleep. Quietly closing the door she returned her attention to Ross.

"She's asleep. Remember, we need to keep it down!"

Without saying a word Ross put down his beer and gestured for her to sit down next to him. She did and was immediately enveloped by her brother. For what seemed forever they shared their warmth and their pain.

"It's amazing, you know?"

"What's amazing, Ross?"

"This thing called a hug. It's amazing how just one embrace can wash away the distress of an entire day."

"That and the drinks that you've had."

"Hey, they help." He replied, jokingly, as he released his grip on her.

There they sat side-by-side talking and consoling each other. It was so good to get it all out, so good that Monica even let her brother put his feet on the coffee table.

"So how have you been lately, you know, since Rachel left?"

"Well, I'm seeing a psychologist and I drink too much, well, according to my sister."

"When did you start seeking help?"

"About two weeks ago. I thought I could cope with Rachel leaving me. Then, when dad got sick I literally fell down. I knew mom needed us to be strong, but I couldn't. I was literally falling apart inside. I decided I couldn't do it alone so I started seeing this guy at NYU. He's helped me to get up and keep from falling apart."

"So what have you been doing with yourself outside of work?"

"Well, I work out at the gym and Joey and I go out on the town every once in a while. Its fun watching him hit on every short skirt at the places we frequent."

"So what about you? How's your love life these days?"

"Monica, my life is a joke right now. I go to work, then go see dad, then I eat and then I sleep. That's it. I don't have either the time, energy or desire to date right now. It just wouldn't be fair to do so."

"What do you mean, fair? Are you thinking what I think your thinking? You have no reason to be fair to Rachel! She let you go and now you're free to do whatever you want. You owe her nothing!"

"Monica, what I meant to say is that it would not be fair to any woman I dated. My heart is just not into it right now. When you go out with a woman they begin to expect things from you like your time and affection. Right now I have nothing to give. I'm emotionally spent. It wouldn't be fair to them."

"So you haven't gone out since Rachel left?"

"No, I haven't. The closest thing to a date that I've had was a work-related lunch with a co-worker from NYU. We went to lunch and …" Ross sighed hard …

"What? What happened?" asked Monica.

"You just have to picture this, this woman, her name is Peggy, well, she is so incredibly gorgeous. We're sitting there in this quaint little café. We're just talking …"

"Then what happened?" asked Monica in anticipation.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing. We just talked."

"What do you mean nothing? Please tell me you asked her out!"

"Monica, I'm sitting across the table from this gorgeous woman. This woman is a paleontological doctoral candidate. What the hell is she doing in paleontology? She could make millions as a model, she is that unbelievably beautiful! She's sitting there looking at me and hanging on every word that came out of my mouth.

"And what? Tell me Ross!"

"And all I could think about was Rachel."

Monica was furious. The stress of the day combined with seeing her brother hurt was sending her over-the-edge.

"What! I can't believe what I'm hearing! Face it Ross, Rachel doesn't want to be with you!"

She had lost control and had raised her voice. She now spent a moment trying to compose herself. She was livid, it wouldn't be easy …

"Listen Ross, I need you to promise me something … and you better keep your promise to me or I'll kill you! Sometime in the next week you are going to go on at least one date. You need to; no you WILL promise me that you will go out with a woman, on a date, and that you will try to have a good time! You do not have to sleep with her; you just need to promise me that you'll try to have a good time."

"Alright …" He said, before being interrupted.

"Wait, I'm not finished! When you go out on your date you need to promise me that you'll do your best to try to forget Rachel. You need to leave her memory at the door when you leave your apartment."

"Are you finished?" He asked.

"Ross, I've just begun. Your family needs you badly. Dad's dying on us. Mom and I need you around, with a clear head."

"Alright, I promise. In the next week I'll go out on a date with a woman and try to have a good time, but …"

"No buts Ross! Just do it!"

Ross looked down in retrospect. He remembered the good and the bad. He then looked up at her …

"I just … just can't believe what's happened this year, you know … to us, to Rachel and I. I just thought that this latest problem would make our relationship stronger."

His sister was getting even angrier at him. She was frustrated. She had tried to get through to him to no avail. He would soon prove her wrong …

"Ross, how many times have you and Rachel fought and broken up? When are you going to face the truth? You were never meant to be together! Every time you reconcile you end up getting hurt again! Remember all the pain that you experience every time that she casts you off?"

"Monica, you missed the point."

"What point Ross? What point could you possibly be trying to make?"

"My point is that after all the breakups, after all the pain, we still love each other. The love I feel for her is so much stronger now then during the good times when I thought she was perfect. The bad times have shown me that she's far from perfect. Rachel is only human. She's human with weaknesses and frailties and problems. And I have loved and hated her so much. I'm sure she could say the same about me. And, my dear sister, we still love each other, even after all that's happened. That is my point …"

Monica stood there silently, her argument totally deflated. She could not even begin to think of a response to his oratory.

"I think I should go home now." He said as he raised his frame from the couch. He stood and swayed like a mighty oak. As he started for the door it was obvious that he would need help getting home.

"Here, let me help you get to your apartment."

"Monica, I'm a grown man. I don't need help walking home."

"Ross, you've had too much to drink. Take my hand and walk with me. I know you can walk home by yourself but do it for me, OK?"

"Anything for you …"

… and at that they left the apartment.

Little did they know, they were not alone. Sitting there on the floor, behind her door she sat. Her knees were raised to her chest. She sat there in the dark. She felt comfortable in the dark. Fear and the dark were her friends. She sat there with her head tilted to her right with an ear to the door, trying to make out the conversation occurring in the next room. She was fortunate; her lack of visual acuity only improved her hearing. While she could not hear everything being said, she had heard enough.

Her eyes misted up. The tears then poured down her cheeks as her face became soaked with them. Her body quivered as she clenched both fists and her teeth and jumped up off the floor. She was angry and somebody or something was going to pay. She turned on the light and was momentarily blinded by it. She sat on her bed and looked at the mirror on her bureau. What she saw disgusted her. She spied a spoiled child, wanting something so badly yet unwilling to work for it; unwilling to risk for it. Her anger rose as she scanned the room, looking for a weapon. Then she saw it, that damned obsession. She reached for it and cursed its very existence. She tried in vain to break it in two. Failing to do so she turned her head and looked back into the mirror at the girl. Instinctively she drew back the weapon and threw the hair straightener with all her might, killing her in a thousand shards of silvered glass.

If he wasn't so tired, chandler would have awoken …

She sat on her bed, at a crossroad of her life. Before her lay an almost infinite number of possibilities, but one particular path held her attention. She wanted that path, that future, but her fear held her back.

And at that moment a memory came to her, causing her to smile. It happened during their good times, after he had returned from China. He had left his girlfriend to be with her. She was at a similar crossroads at that moment, working as a waitress in a dead-end job, hoping for so much more. He put his hand in hers, comforting her. He tried to explain that it would not be easy. There would be much rejection and possibly some failures but he would always be there to cushion her fall. Then he said it, a corny little proverb that he had heard while on his trip. He thought it so appropriate …

"Rachel, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single footstep."

She had to find a way, a way to take that first step. It had to be simple and easy. And then it came to her. She just needed to find that person, the person to talk to …

**Authors note: All of the Phone numbers used in this chapter are made up and not real phone numbers (I just had to say that).**


	11. The tie that binds

**I am trying to update my story at least once a week now. I've got some trips coming up and I do not want to abandon anyone who might actually be enjoying this story. The next 3 or so chapters are going to be very emotional. I recommend getting your box of tissues. Please enjoy and let me know what you think.**

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Two weeks later …

Refreshing; that's the best way to describe the feeling as she walked along the sidewalk. The crisp air bit at her lips as the bright noon sun blinded her, even through her sunglasses.

Refreshing …

Rachel set a heady pace as she took her first step. Much depended on her actions that afternoon. Her life would begin to change … or not. She would grasp at the rope being offered to her … or she would stay, sinking in the quicksand that was her fear.

On her face she wore a smile. For a change hope, not fear was her companion.

She had left early for her appointment … she did not want to be late. The extra time she had budgeted would give her the time to enjoy her walk. She had not enjoyed much lately. She would spoil herself.

As she crossed the street she entered the park, her appointment being in a building on the far side. She slowed her pace. Walking into the wind caused her hair to trail behind her as her face was gently stroked by leaves falling from the trees.

Her pace slowed yet again as she scanned the people enjoying the beautiful weather. Families, children, husbands and wives; boyfriends, girlfriends, and lovers. She was in the minority, she was alone.

She removed her sunglasses and focused on a couple with a lone child. She watched them intently as in slow-motion. They looked so happy. They occupied their own little space under a tree, in the grass. The child was a girl with long brown hair that flew as the wind blew through it. She was running around the tree, trying to escape the pursuit of the man gently chasing her. She screamed with glee; she was as happy as a child could be. Rachel, continuing her slowed pace, refocused on her father as he closed the pursuit. She had a hard time making out his face as he had lowered his shoulders to reach for his daughter. Finally, he caught her. Grabbing her by her waist he lifted her off the ground. She swung her head back, causing her hair to become airborne. He lifted her into the air and twirled her as she screamed joyfully …

"Daddy, that tickles!" She giggled.

… And then she saw his face, it was him.

She stopped.

Giving into her protests he lowered her to the ground. Kneeling down in front of her he opened his arms as she flew hard into his chest. He closed his arms around her in a gentle embrace.

He looked up … and saw her.

The universe stopped.

He held the little girl but stopped hugging her. He froze. A few moments passed, she pulled away and looked at her protector, trying to discern why he had gone. She looked into his eyes as they stared off into the distance. Trying to regain his attention she spoke …

"Daddy, uh Ross, are you OK?"

He couldn't respond, he couldn't hear her, he wasn't there. He was a hundred feet away with his hand in hers in a different reality, a reality that would never be.

"Mommy, please come here. Something is wrong with Ross!"

She had been daydreaming, imagining what it would be like to be that family, to be that woman, to be with that man and have that daughter. It was so ironic. He was the man! Her dream had become a nightmare. She knew that he saw her. Instead of fleeing she did something so out of character … she stood her ground. She looked him right in the eyes and smiled slightly while tilting her head to her right, lifting her hand and gently waved at him.

As the woman ran to his side she became concerned. "Ross, what's wrong? Are you feeling alright?" She asked. Getting no response she gently slapped his face, trying to get his attention.

At that moment he saw her wave. Instinctively, without thinking, he returned the gesture. The woman did not expect that response from him. Intuitively she noted the direction of his eyes and swiftly spun her frame to spot the object of his attention.

There she stood with her hand raised, a smile on her face.

Noting the woman's attention to her and not wanting to cause him any trouble, she regained her original pace. She had an important appointment to get to.

"Who was that?" The woman asked, as his eyes continued to follow her out of the park.

As he came back to reality he blurted it out …"My ex-wife."

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Anxious and jumpy are two words that could be used to describe how she felt that moment, the instant the doors of the elevator opened. She exited and raised the card in her hand. Raising her eyes she scanned the hallway looking for her destination. Finding it, she entered …

The office was well decorated, albeit not to her demanding tastes. It was professional and subdued as it had to appeal to a wide-ranging clientele. On the wall hung many awards and certificates, each a statement to authenticate the expertise of the purveyor of services. The nameplate on the door was inscribed with a name, "Nancy Peterson, MA, LMHC".

"Welcome Miss Green, please sit down."

"Rachel."

"Alright Rachel, I read your email and I think I may be able to help. Please, tell me what's on your mind."

"Don't you want me to lie down or something?"

"Just tell me what's on your mind. Let's start with why you're here and we'll go from there."

"Alright then, it all started …"

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"Here's your coffee Monica."

"Thanks Chandler. I can so use this right now. I'd like to relax a little before I head off to the restaurant. It's going to be a busy night."

"So Ross, did you keep your promise to me?"

"What promise are you referring to Monica?"

"Don't give me that, you remember the promise you made to me a few weeks ago. I didn't ask you last week because I wanted to give you more time to get a date. OK, so did you keep your promise?"

"Yes, alright? I am seeing someone right now. We've been out a few times and …"

"And what? Please tell me you didn't ask her to marry you!"

"Monica, would you give it a rest! That joke is no longer funny."

"Alright, I'll stop. So tell us about your new girlfriend."

"You remember that woman I told you about, the woman from the paleontology conference?"

"Yeah, I think so. What was her name, Peggy was it?"

"That's it, you remembered."

"So, do you have anything to report?"

"If you're talking about us sleeping together then the answer is no. We've been out twice and, uh…"

"Alright Ross, why do you continue to drop off like that? What's wrong?"

"Peggy has a daughter."

"Oh, is that a problem for you?"

"Are you kidding? You know how I love children. Angela is precious. We get along so well, but I'm worried about a few things …"

"Worried about what?" Asked his sister.

"Well, I've only spent a few hours with Peggy and Angela but … but … she's already started calling me Daddy."

"Oh, well, you are already a father and you do love children."

"Yes, that's true but I want to take things very slowly. I had a heart-to-heart talk with Peggy after our last date. I told her that I've been hurt badly in the past and that I've also hurt others. We agreed to take it slow. Then today we were having fun in the park and I saw her …"

"Who, who did you see, Ross?"

"Rachel. She was standing there as I was hugging Angela. I was loving this little girl with everything I had and then I saw her. Everything stopped."

"What do you mean everything stopped?"

"I was hugging Angela and as soon as I saw Rachel the entire world disappeared, except for the two of us. She must have been like a hundred feet away but, even with this loving little girl in my arms I totally lost touch with her. She was in my arms and I couldn't even hear or feel her. Angela got scared and called her mother. Peggy came over and tried to snap me out of it but still … I couldn't even acknowledge them. Then Rachel walked off but not before she smiled and waved. I waved back and Peggy saw her. I had to tell her that Rachel was my ex-wife."

"How did she handle it?" Asked Chandler.

"Which one?"

"Peggy."

"She said that she understood, but I'm sure that she has reservations about dating me now. Peggy's a highly intelligent woman. She saw me space out when I saw Rachel."

"What about Rachel? How did she handle it?"

"Pretty well I guess. She smiled and waved at me before she walked off. I hope she wasn't hurt. I didn't mean for her to see us. It was an accident!"

"Ross, we know that, please calm down. Look, it was an accident. Rachel will be fine. Remember, she let you go."

"Monica, I don't want to talk about that anymore, but I would like to talk to you and Chandler about something."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Monica, Chandler, I am seriously considering moving out of the city. I'm thinking of moving back to the island so that I can be closer to Mom and Dad. They need us a lot and we're pretty far away from them living here in Manhattan."

Monica looked at him with unbelieving eyes. She was skeptical of his motives and highly doubtful that this was THE reason for his desire to move. She began her interrogation …

"Ross, is Dad's health the only reason that you're thinking of moving?"

Ross looked up from his coffee, straight into her eyes. He was doomed. He knew that it was a lost cause. He decided to be truthful and be done with it …

"No, Monica, it's not."

"Would that other reason have to be Rachel?" She asked.

He didn't look up; he didn't even acknowledge her question.

"Oh my God, I can't believe this! You're actually considering moving away from us just so that you can get away from her, aren't you? Do you know how unfair that is to you and the rest of us? Before you do anything consider how Rachel would feel knowing that you moved because of her."

"But Mon, I don't want anyone to get hurt again, OK? I have a long history of breaking up with Rachel and meeting someone else. Then I get close to the other woman and then Rachel comes back into my life. I then leave the other woman, hurting them badly."

"Ross, we know the story. Yes, we've seen a lot of people get hurt but you're not God! You can't protect everyone from getting hurt. You running into Rachel in the park was an accident. It was a coincidence that you both happened to be there at the same time. Consider how much hurt your move would cause."

"Monica, if it means that I never date again so that no one gets hurt then so be it!"

She looked at him and almost laughed. She wanted to reach over to his chair and slap him hard across his face. He was besieged, he was overwhelmed. Rachel and his father were starting to get to him. She said the first thing that came to her mind …

"Fine, do as you please, but remember this Ross, have you ever considered that if you move away … you may have given up on ever having another chance with her."

Disgusted with him, she grabbed Chandler's hand and pulled him out of Central Perk, leaving Ross to think …

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"Well, that was an interesting story, Rachel. Let me make sure I've got this straight. Please correct me if I wrote anything down incorrectly, OK?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"You were engaged to a man but left him at the alter …"

"This friend of yours, Ross, went to China on a business trip. You found out that he was in love with you and you fell for him. When he returned from China he was with another woman …"

"Later, you told Ross about how you felt, he then left his girlfriend to be with you …"

"A year later Ross sleeps with another woman while he thought you were on a break …"

"We were NOT on a break!"

"Let's leave that for later. Moving on …"

"Ross starts seeing another woman and you get jealous so you get her to shave her head and you tell him you still love him …"

"He leaves that woman to be with you, again, only to find out that the only way he can be with you is to accept full responsibility for your breakup … which he can't do."

"A year later you accidentally introduce him to another woman who he ends up getting engaged to. You then disrupt his wedding by flying to London. You show up at the ceremony and he says your name instead of hers …"

"Then you tell him you love him after he is already married to that woman …"

"Then he gets divorced and you both go on a vacation to Las Vegas and get married, while you are drunk …"

"Then, you leave him even though he didn't want to get divorced."

"Rachel, did I miss anything?"

"No, not really. That's a pretty good summary of the last 5 years or so."

"Alright, now that we have the pertinent information down why are you here? What are your issues?"

"In a nutshell … I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of Rachel?"

"I'm afraid of Ross."

"Why are you afraid of him? Has Ross ever mentally or physically abused you in any way?"

"No, Ross has always been very gentle and respectful of me, except when he cheated on me."

"So why are you afraid of him?"

"I'm afraid of getting hurt again, I'm afraid to give up my freedom, I'm afraid of a lifetime commitment. I've had relationships with many different men and they were great, they were safe relationships because I knew they would go nowhere. But this time, this time it will de different. Ross has changed, I have changed. When we were dating it was wonderful. We lived and loved in the moment, without to much concern for the future. This could be the time that I surrender to love. If I marry him I'm afraid we'll end up divorced."

"But Rachel, you are divorced."

"I know, but I guess I never really took the Vegas wedding and our marriage too seriously, I mean we were really drunk and didn't know what we were doing."

"Whose idea was it to get married in Las Vegas anyway?"

"Mine." She said, lowering her eyes to the floor.

"Did Ross take your marriage seriously?"

"Very." She replied, unable to look her in the eyes.

"So why did you divorce him?"

"I did it for all those reasons I mentioned before. I lived with him for about a month and every day he seemed to become in love with me. He scared me! He has become the man that he always could have been. He has kept his best qualities and abandoned his bad ones. Signing the divorce papers was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I feel terrible about it. You don't know the extent of my guilt."

"What do you mean, Rachel?"

"I left him at a time when he needed me most. His father is very sick. He could use all the support he can get."

"So why don't you just go help him? You could go visit his father or just spend time talking to him."

"I could … but I haven't. I'm afraid. I love Ross but. but …"

"But what, Rachel?"

"I'm so very afraid of falling IN love with him again. I'm afraid that if I do then we'll get married and then it will happen …"

"What, what will happen? What are you REALLY afraid of Rachel?"

"Redundancy. If we get together for good I'll end up waking up every morning next to the same man day after day for the rest of my life. Life will become so predictable. Tomorrow will be like today because it was like yesterday. I don't want to die before my life is over. A life of redundancy would kill our relationship because it will kill me."

"Rachel, our time is almost up today but I would like to share just a few thoughts with you. When I am done I will ask you to do a few things between now and our next session, OK?"

"Sure, I can't wait!"

"Good, your enthusiasm shows me that you really want to resolve this issue that you have with fear. Alright, I just wanted to say that much of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are potentially on the threshold of a major, life changing event. It's OK to be afraid; it's actually healthy to be so. Fear is a part of our very being, if we had no fear we would go headfirst into situations without considering the consequences, it would be like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Healthy fear makes us ask those questions that can save our lives or keep others from being hurt."

She paused and then continued …

"On the other hand we have unhealthy fear, the type that can keep us from living up to our full potential or that can keep us from having full, well-rounded relationships. When fear keeps us from being "us" and causes others hurt and pain it becomes a concern. You and Ross have been through a lot over the last five years and based upon what you've told me so far it is obvious that this unhealthy fear has pained and hurt both of you."

At that point Rachel's counselor turned in her chair and grabbed some papers and a scheduling book off her desk. She continued …

"Rachel, I'd like you do try a few things between now and our next session. First, I would like you to think about what you REALLY want out of life. When you do this you should be as relaxed as possible. I recommend you lay on the couch or on your bed, preferably in subdued lighting. You can have a glass of wine if you like, just so that it relaxes you. Imagine the life you truly desire. I'd like you to write down all you can about the life you want, including who you have in your life."

"Rachel, how long has it been since you talked to Ross?"

"I don't know. It's been weeks I guess."

"It's been that long? How could you avoid talking to him when you live with his sister?"

"It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that."

"Well then, the second thing I would like you to do is to talk to Ross. You don't have to have a deep conversation, just talk to him as you would a friend."

"We are friends, I guess. We used to be best friends until …" Replied Rachel.

"Perhaps you still are best friends and you just don't know it. Can you imagine how he must feel right now? One of the most important people in his life has stopped talking to him and started avoiding him."

"I will. I promise."

"When was the last time you saw Ross?"

Rachel looked down at the floor, speechless.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

"I just saw him, on the way to your office. He was in the park, with a woman and a little girl."

"How did you feel when you saw him with another woman?"

"After the initial shock wore off I felt jealous, but I remembered that I was the one who left him. I realized that I had no right to him or to be jealous of him dating other women."

"At that moment did you wish that you were the woman that he was with?"

"Yes. I was imagining being the wife in that family with him and the cute little girl."

"Rachel, I would like to end our first session with this: It is not my job to give you advice as to what you should or should not do with your life. I am here as a facilitator. I am here to help you figure things out … for yourself. The answers you seek are in your head and your heart. I'm only here to help YOU figure them out and to help you cope with the adversity that life throws our way sometimes."

Ms. Peterson thought for a second. She considered the ethical implications of her next statement. After considering them she continued …

"Rachel, Ethically and professionally I have to be honest with you. I've been a licensed mental health counselor for many years. In my practice I mostly deal with people who are having relationship problems. I have to ask you this … Is anything that you told me in your history about you and Ross actually true?"

"It's all true. I wouldn't lie. I realize that if I did lie to you that I would only be hurting myself and my chances to beat my fears."

"Rachel, I am truly amazed ..."

"Why, why do you say that?"

"…because the two of you have endured so much together … and you are still very close friends. I think that the two of you have something so very special. I have seen strong marital relationships totally disintegrate under a lot less stress then what the two of you have been through. At times, duress can actually cause a relationship to become stronger. A good example of this is when a loved one is sick or dying. It is a situation very similar to what Ross may be going through now."

And then she considered her last words …

"For your sake and his, don't cut the tie that binds the two of you together unless you are absolutely sure. Goodbye Rachel. I'll see you back in a week."


	12. Somewhere between love and hate

**Where have all the good stories gone? Things have really slowed down in the Friend's forum lately. What's going on? I hardly see any new work coming out. It's sad, you know.  
**

**I promised a new chapter at least once a week and I mean to keep my promise. Here is Chapter 12. I had to add another chapter (13) because I could not get all I needed to say into just chapter 12. If you are following this story you MUST read Chapters 13 and 14! I haven't written them yet but trust me, you will not be disappointed! **

**I hope to see the final (or near final) installment of Tina's "Beautiful Release" and Floatlikeasponge's "A Dance With New York" soon, I hope.**

**Please enjoy and let me know what you think and how to improve what I've written. Chapter 11 was so good because I listen to my critics, they know more than I do! **

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Of all the places he could have chosen …

It was far from the ideal place to read and relax. He had been so busy; he was out of clean clothes. There he sat in his own little world among the din of washers and driers. He had been successful at blocking it out. He was deep into his book when he felt it … a large bag of clothes that had been carelessly tossed onto the chair beside him.

"Hey, could you please watch it, I'm trying to read!" He said, shoving the bag of clothes off of himself.

"Sorry."

He knew that voice. He raised his eyes. There she stood, the one he loved. She smiled as their eyes met.

"Oh hey, I'm … I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"That's OK. Is this seat taken?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like? I'm in a Laundromat and I have a large bag of dirty clothes. What do you think?"

"Alright, I get the connection."

"So is this seat taken?"

"Yes, it's yours." And then she sat, next to the one who loved her.

"Don't you have some clothes to do?" He asked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Hold my seat won't you?"

"Sure. Hurry back."

"I will."

She was excited and nervous as she loaded the machine with her laundry. Oh, how she wished that it could be so simple to wash away the mistakes they had made simply by inserting coins into a slot. Little did he know that most of the clothes she was washing were actually clean, having been hurriedly pulled from her closet. Having started her washer, she returned to sit next to him. He looked up at her …

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for, Ross?"

"I'm sorry for what you saw in the park."

Realizing what he meant she looked down for a moment, the memories returning.

"I didn't mean for you to see us. I never wanted to hurt you. I never want to hurt you again, ever."

Looking up, she replied …

"Ross, you have nothing to be sorry about. You have every right to date whoever you want. We're divorced, remember?"

"How could I forget? I'm still sorry though."

She replied with a short "I know." Wishing to change the subject, she chose the most obvious diversion …

"So what are you doing?"

"I'm reading."

"What are you reading?"

"A book."

"What's the name of the book?"

"Rachel, please what's going on? Why are you so curious, anyway?"

"I'd just like to know what you're reading."

Something was wrong. At any other time he would have been thrilled to sit and talk to her, but her presence made him uncomfortable … he was hiding something.

"Rachel, it's just a book."

"Ross, why can't you just tell me what you're reading?"

"I can tell you … I just don't want to!"

"Why don't you want to tell me, Ross? Are you reading porn?"

"Rachel, stop it please! I'm not reading porn. Why do you want to know so badly?"

"Why don't you want to tell me?"

At this point she saw an opportunity to play with him, to liven things up a bit. He had a secret, something he didn't want her to know. She would use it to her advantage. Playfully she grabbed at the book, not accidentally reaching around him, getting very close to him. She could smell him for the first time in ages.

"Even this late in the day he smelled good." She thought.

Being so close was a distraction he could not resist. She had had the advantage of being able to prepare for their "accidental" meeting. She made sure that she was at her best. As he inhaled her sweet fragrances he momentarily became intoxicated by her. Each aroma brought back many sweet memories of days gone by. Before he knew it the book was gone.

"_**Sweet November**_. What's it about?" She asked.

Her question brought him back from the trance that she had put him in.

"Rachel, please give me my book back."

"Sure, but only if you tell me what it's about."

Defeated. That's how he felt at that moment. Ross resisted telling her until the end. Telling her would expose a part of him that he wanted to conceal, especially from her.

"Alright, you win."

He sighed heavily and looked down at the floor. He continued …

"The book is about a man named Charlie. Charlie is a fanatical, hard-driven businessman. He meets Sara, a woman very different from anyone else he has ever met. She captivates him and convinces him to spend a month with her with the promise that she will change his life forever. Throughout the course of November the two experience several good times and many breakups. Charlie is forced to obey Sara's rules, and to examine his life and his past in great detail. Eventually Charlie realizes that he is deeply in love with Sara and asks her to marry him, but their relationship cannot last …"

"Why, why can't it last?" She asked, totally focused on the words flowing from his mouth.

He looked up at her and stared deeply into her eyes. He continued …

"They had broken up but then got back together. What seems to be a perfect reunion is ruined when Charlie wakes up to find that Sara is once again asking him to leave. She admits a sad, dark secret to him."

"What secret?" She asked.

"Sara is dying of cancer."

He paused and continued …

"She asks Him to leave with the hope that he will have only happy memories of her. Sara explains that she needs to know that this is how she will be remembered, so that she can face her last days of life. The story ends on a street corner in San Francisco with Sara blindfolding Charlie and then walking away, never to see him again."

He looked away …

The similarities between real life and fiction had not been lost on her. She lifted her hand and placed it on his. A moment later she too looked away toward the floor, her tears dropping like rain …

"And now you know why I didn't want to tell you about my book. See, I've hurt you again."

Composing herself, she responded …

"Ross, you didn't hurt me!"

"But you're so sad."

""Yes, I am sad, but it doesn't mean that you hurt me. The truth is that we've both hurt each other so much, so many times. I am as guilty as you are. I come down here to surprise you, so that we can talk, and I find you reading this book, a story that mirrors our own relationship in so many ways. It's a sign. It shows me just how much I must have hurt you when I signed our marriage away."

Looking up at her he realized something; he realized he was too close. Getting up, he moved to a seat across from her so that he could look at her face-to-face, eye-to-eye.

"Do you want the truth, Rachel?"

"Of course, don't you?"

"Yes, but at what cost? If I tell you how I truly feel … then, then you'll be hurt."

"Tell me … please."

"Alright, I was very hurt when you signed the papers. I put everything I had into our relationship. I'm exhausted. Rachel, do you know what a joke my life is?"

"What do you mean? … You're not a joke."

"Oh really? Imagine being told by three people you love that they don't want you anymore! All three divorces were forced upon me, each against my will!"

She looked down as he moved back to the seat next to her.

Looking straight ahead he sighed …

"Rachel, so why are you really here?"

"We've been many things to each other. I was hoping that we could still be friends."

He considered her words for a moment. This was Rachel, Rachel Green, his love, his ex-girlfriend, his ex-wife. He would sacrifice his very life for her if she would only ask him to. Turning to her he offered his hand. Confused, she looked at his hand, then up at his face.

"Take it." He said.

Again she looked at his hand. She offered her hand to him and he shook it.

"Hi, I'm Ross Gellar."

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The next day …

The phone rings …

"Hello."

"Phoebe, its Rachel."

"Oh hi Rachel. How are you."

"I'm fine. I promised that I would call you and I did."

"Great! So what's up?"

"Phoebe, could you meet me at Central Perk in about 10 minutes? I have a favor to ask of you."

"Sure, I'll see you in 10 minutes, bye."

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10 minutes later …

"Phoebe, I need to ask a favor of you. Please hear me out before you agree or not, OK?"

"Sure, what's the favor?

"I need some information about Ross and you're the only person who can get it for me."

"What information do you need?"

"I need to know his routine. I need to know when he goes to work, when he goes to the gym, things like that."

"Rachel, I don't want to get between the two of you. Please don't ask me to spy on him."

"Phoebe, all I'm asking is for his routine. Ross and I haven't spent much time together lately. I surprised him at the Laundromat yesterday and we had a pretty good time. I know he doesn't have a lot of free time right now, with Jack being sick and all but I'd like to see if I can work my schedule to spend more time with him."

Phoebe considered her words and her loyalty to her roommate …

"I'll see what I can do."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later …

"Hey Jim, how's it going."

"I'm great, how about you, Ross?"

"I'm a little tired but I thought I could use a workout to relieve some stress."

Ross pulled out his gym ID card and presented it to his friend, the attendant.

"Have a nice workout, enjoy yourself."

Ross walked to the locker room to change into his gym clothes. Exiting the locker room he stopped for a moment to watch his friend hitting on a new customer. Dressed in a stylish sports outfit, she would make quite a catch.

"There he is!" His friend exclaimed, pointing at Ross.

She turned around … and then he saw her … again.

As he approached he wondered …

"Rachel, what are you doing here? You never go to the gym?"

"I decided I needed to get into better shape. All that rich food your sister is feeding me is making me soft. I was just going to ask Jim to show me around and to teach me how to use some of the exercise machines."

Jim was enthusiastic, much-too-much for Ross's taste. With a hint of jealousy he responded …

"I can show you around. Jim can't leave his post here, he has to stay and check ID cards, isn't that right Jim?"

Ross glared right into his eyes. He had gotten the message. Jim relinquished any hope of going out with his friend's former wife.

Rachel watched the entire scene play out, pleased with herself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the next few months a damaged relationship was restored. The pressure they felt from their failed marriage behind them, Ross and Rachel discovered the true essence of their relationship … mutual respect. When they were not working or sleeping they usually could be found together. They did almost everything together … they were inseparable.

Given time, their relationship had become stronger then when they had dated, five years before. With all of the adversity is Ross's life he was actually happy. He trusted her with everything and depended on her for advice. He needed guidance …

"Rachel, could I ask your advice about something?"

"Sure, what's up?"

"I have a decision to make and I value your opinion. I am considering moving … out of the city."

"Oh." She replied, trying to conceal her disappointment.

"I'm considering moving back to Long Island to help my parents out. My Mom is overwhelmed taking care of Dad. She could use my help."

It didn't take long for her to think … and to make the decision. She knew that he loved his parents and they needed him. She considered herself selfish but it didn't seem to matter. She hadn't been happier in years, and she did not want it to end.

"Couldn't Judy hire someone to help her out?"

"Yes, I suppose so. That's an option I hadn't considered."

She felt low …

"Rachel, there's a reason why I want to, no, I need to move …"

"Why?" She asked, concerned, not really ready to hear his answer.

"I have a debt to repay."

"A debt, to whom? How much do you owe?" She asked.

"I owe a debt to my parents. They brought me into this world; they raised me the best they could; they gave me everything they had. They encouraged me to follow my dreams. They helped make me who I am today. Most of all they loved me. _This is a debt that I can never repay_."

A pall fell over them as she considered his words. She knew that he wanted and needed to go. She should support him … she did not want to lose him again.

At that moment the door to the coffee house opened. In walked a young man, smartly dressed and somewhat handsome. His eyes scanned the occupants of the establishment until they found their target.

"Ross!"

Ross turned his head towards the familiar voice. He rose to his feet as he recognized his friend …

"Steve, how are you?"

"Great, thanks for inviting …"

Ross cut him off, abruptly.

"Steve! Have you ever been to Central Perk before?"

"No, this is my first time."

"Well sit down and order some coffee."

Realizing that he had forgotten Rachel, he attempted to recover …

"Oh, I've forgotten my manners. Steve, this is my friend Rachel, Rachel Green. Rachel this is Steve Rodgers."

Each replied to the other with a "Nice to meet you."

The three sat there for an hour, talking and drinking their coffee. Ross and Rachel occupied the couch and Steve took the chair facing to the right. As he finished his coffee Ross looked at his watch …

"Oh, look what time it is, I've got to get going. I'm late for an appointment!"

With puzzled looks on their faces they bid him adieu.

And he was gone …

As Ross exited the coffee house he was conflicted. He loved her beyond measure, so much so that he would sacrifice any future with her … for her happiness.

They sat there uncomfortably, wondering how they had ended up in the situation that they found themselves in.

"So how do you know Ross?" She asked.

"I met him at NYU. I had to take a science class as an elective for my business degree. Ross ended up teaching the course that I took."

"Have you and Ross known each other for long?" He asked.

"I've known him for about 20 years. I was best friends with his sister, Monica, when we were kids."

The pair sat there silently for another minute or so, hardly saying a word. Then it came to her …

"Steve, do you get the feeling that we've been set up?"

"I was thinking the same thing. Ross asked me to come down to have a coffee. I was a little surprised when he left so abruptly."

She thought for another moment before putting the pieces together …

"That little …"

"What?"

"Did he tell you anything else when he talked to you before?"

"Well, he did talk you up a bit. He told me how beautiful and smart you were."

"That proves it! I'm going to kill him!"

As her anger grew as she gathered her things. As she left the couch she spoke …

"It was nice to meet you Steve but I gotta go kill my ex-husband!"

And she was gone …

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 minutes later …

There was a loud knock on his door. Unfortunately for him … he was there to answer it.

He opened the door …

"How dare you!"

"Excuse me?"

"How dare you try to set me up with another man!"

"Rachel …"

From out of his left eye he saw it. It approached with lightening speed. He knew she was angry and that he was going to receive the brunt of it. Then it hit him … her hand slapped him across his left check. The impact was surprisingly hard for a slight woman. She was irate. He was thrown off balance by the impact. It would take a few moments to recover …

"How dare you! I don't need you to find me a date! I'm not your damned charity project!"

"Rachel, I know. You can get any man you want. You are the most beautiful woman in the world. I just …"

"Ross, what were you thinking?"

"I … I was thinking how much I love you. I was thinking how much I want you to be happy … no matter what price I have to pay."

There she stood her arms at her side, totally unable to respond. Caught in a gray zone between love and hate she found herself unable to decide which way to react. She would not allow him to escape her scorn with a few choice words. She could not wait for her brain to process all the information and emotions she was feeling at that moment, so, she just acted out of instinct …

Again he saw it, again it came into view, and again it hurt. His cheek became red from the impact of her hand and the ring she wore. He was again thrown off balance. He recovered. He wondered how his act of selflessness had backfired so badly.

… And then she did it. She lifted herself on her tiptoes and placed her hands on his face. Drawing him nearer she placed her lips on his before quickly retreating. She ran down the stairs and across the street, not stopping until back at Monica's apartment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night …

There she sat upon her bed, thinking, remembering.

The memories filled the room.

She reached under her bed and pulled out a box. If anyone else had found it they would have just thrown it all away, discounting its contents as useless junk. For Rachel, the box held a treasure beyond measure and she would allow no one to touch it. As she opened the box the ghosts of the past escaped, mixing with those memories already flying around the room. Old ticket stubs, an eggshell, some birthday cards and two audio cassettes. She examined the writing on both tapes. One was a mix tape that Ross had created for her while at the apex of their relationship. The tape was full of love songs she remembered so well. The second tape was alien to her. The only distinguishing mark on it was some writing, "I'm Sorry". She searched through her memories trying to remember ever receiving it …

… and then it hit her, an obscure little remembrance from a few years ago.

It slowly came back to her as to why she could not remember it … she did not want to.

He had given it to her right after their breakup.

She was angry and hurt … he was distressed and aggrieved.

He wanted to talk … she would have none of it.

In desperation he had recorded his thoughts, his feelings onto the tape in a form that she could understand, even in her time of resentment. She couldn't remember having listened to more than a few seconds of it. She was so angry at that time she simply threw it in the box, into the casket of her memories.

She considered her options … should she listen to it or not? Her curiosity got the best of her. She wanted to hear what he had to say. She searched frantically for her old tape player. Finding it, she plugged it in and hoped that it still worked. Inserting the tape she took a deep breath … and pushed PLAY.

There are different ways to cry. You can be happy or sad; it can happen quickly or slowly, at a snail's pace. Rachel cried, but not immediately. What she heard started her thinking. She considered what she was hearing. It was the voice of Ross, the old Ross. He was speaking to her. He was PLEADING with her through time to stay, to give them a second chance … without saying a word, with his music...

_**How do I,**_

_**Get through the night without you?**_

_**If I had to live without you,**_

_**What kind of life would that be?**_

_**Oh, I**_

_**I need you in my arms, need you to hold,**_

_**You're my world, my heart, my soul,**_

_**If you ever leave,**_

_**Baby you would take away everything good in my life,**_

_**And tell me now**_

_**How do I live without you?**_

_**I want to know,**_

_**How do I breathe without you?**_

_**If you ever go,**_

_**How do I ever, ever survive?**_

_**How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?**_

The songs continued for a while, all with similar themes. With each passing song she felt the sadness and regret building up within.

She was akin to a jar, filling with water. It would only take so long for the jar to fill and then overflow. She was filling quickly.

The grief and guilt that Ross had felt that day was evident in every note and word of every song.

The vessel had filled, the tears overflowed.

As sad as she had become, she was surprised, even disappointed when the last song he had recorded had finished … or so she thought. There was a delay, a gap between songs longer than those before. If she had been rushed she would have stopped the tape not even knowing it was there … but it was. This song was different from the rest. It was an invitation. It was as if all of the prior songs had been a buildup to this request.

The lyrics from the song captivated her as if he were right there in front of her, beseeching her for another chance. "If ever …" she thought.

But he had … and she had been.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Credit goes to either Leanne Rimes or Trisha Yearwood (they both sang it) for the sang "How Do I Live?"**


	13. That's What Love if For

**I present the next chapter in my story. I would have updated sooner but work sometimes gets in the way. This was one of the hardest chapters I've written so far. I wrote and then re-wrote parts of this chapter twice. I wanted to get it as close to "right" as possible (if that could ever be done).**

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to anyone who finds solace in a good, well written song; one that means something to you ...**

* * *

WHY? 

What sin, what transgression had been committed to justify this? What had they done to deserve this?

He sat on the couch with his head in his hands. Sadness, grief, and the twelve were his only companions. Four of the containers littered the couch while the others waited to be consumed.

The events of the day had been so painful, so horrific that he worried that the 12-pack of Coronas would not be sufficient to dull the pain, to keep reality at bay.

Finishing the fifth bottle he considered its fate. He was nearly drunk by now. The brew had done its job, he was numb. Without a care in the world he threw the bottle against the far wall of the apartment. With the aim of a blind man he missed completely, instead killing his television set.

There he sat looking over the glass covering his usually pristine floor and the smoke and sparks emanating from the appliance he destroyed. Apathy, that's all he had left. Ross simply did not care anymore. The world as he knew it was coming to an end. Nothing at the moment seemed to matter. Would anything ever matter again?

In his drunken state he stared out into space looking for a solution, a way out. There were no solutions in evidence, only ways to cope with the inevitable loss. Coping tools sat all around him. Reaching for the closest, he picked up number six and removed the cap. He wondered. He wasn't sure if he had bought enough medicine that night. He was in no condition to acquire more. Twelve would have to do.

As he slowly drank the latest bottle he heard it, a rustling at the door. He rose from the couch, knocking a few of his empties to the floor. He swayed from side-to-side trying to gain his balance. Turning to his left he moved his body tentatively towards the door. At that moment it opened …

"Ross! Are you alright?" She asked.

He smiled with a wide grin … "I'm fine!"

"Oh my God!" is all she could say as she entered the room, surveying the damage wrought to the apartment.

"Would you like a beer? He asked, turning towards the couch.

Taking off her coat she tossed it onto the chair. She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards her, embracing him in her arms. She hugged him as hard as she could. Raising herself slightly she lifted her lips up to his ear …

"I'm so sorry."

* * *

Two hours later … 

Was he dreaming? He wasn't sure. He couldn't see anything. His only sense that worked at the moment was his hearing. It sounded like broken glass …

… and slowly he opened his eyes.

"So you're awake I see." She said as she bent down on the floor in front of him, picking up shards of glass.

Slowly he regained consciousness as his eyes fluttered open. Focusing on the woman bent down before him. He started to remember …

"I'm sorry." Is all he could think to say.

"Ross, it's alright. I've cleaned up the glass off the floor but I'm afraid you killed the TV."

He smiled a little before giggling.

Rising from the floor she moved to the kitchen to dispose of the glass. Returning, she reclined on the couch next to him.

"Ross, I know that I've said it before, but I'm so sorry."

"Phoebe, I'm sorry too."

"Monica called me and told me what happened. I feel so badly for the two of you."

"Phoebe, I wish I could say that it's all going to be OK, but I'm not sure this time. I've never been so unsure of things in my life."

His body, still under the influence, strained for sobriety. He looked at her and asked. He knew that she would have an answer …

"Phoebe, how did you do it?"

"How did I do what, Ross?"

"How did you survive, survive all the adversity that you've had to endure. You lost your mother and father. You lived on the street when you were young. You are separated from your twin sister. How did you endure all of this … and turn out as well as you did?"

She was caught off-guard by his question. No one had ever asked her this before. He needed an answer. He needed something, anything onto which he could believe in and hope for. She didn't know how to answer, except to be a friend …

"Ross, as hard as this is going to get, as hard as it will be for you, you will survive, you will live on. You will learn and grow from this experience. You will lose so much only to gain so much in return."

She had only one more thing to add …

"Ross, remember, you will not be alone."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The Call ...**

Earlier that day …

Having finished his morning classes Ross inexplicably found himself walking home. He had a few hours to kill before his next class. Entering his apartment he removed his coat and made himself some lunch. Sitting on the couch he partook of his meal.

After lunch he quieted himself. The room was silent. He slowed his breathing and closed his eyes. He listened to his own heartbeat. He relaxed his muscles and laid his head back, releasing the stress of life from his body. He tried to dream …

Ross dreamt of what life would be like with healthy parents, a job that he loved and the girl. The stress of his father's health had had a cascade effect on his life. It affected everything about him. His job had held less importance to him then at any other time in his career. He was tired of trying to teach his students a subject that they didn't want to learn and that bored them. The worst thing that he felt was the loss … he had lost the girl. His sadness was tinged with the realization that her leaving was probably for the best. He had little time for anything at the moment, other than his work and his parents.

Relaxation, it was almost completely alien to him. It had been so long since he had known it. He did not realize it but it would be a long time before he would know it again.

The phone rang, destroying his utopia …

"Hello."

"Yes, this is Ross Gellar."

"What? No, you must be mistaken; my father receives his dialysis treatments at your clinic, not my mother."

There was a pause as his new reality soaked in …

"What happened? Is she alright? Where was she transported?" He asked, busily recording the information on a notepad.

"Thank you. I'll head over to the hospital right now."

After calling his office he grabbed his coat and ran to the door, hoping to catch his sister at home.

5 minutes later …

The door opened abruptly, without a knock, slamming into the wall behind it.

Surprised, she turned to see her brother. Without him uttering a word she knew something was wrong. The door, his eyes, she found herself afraid to ask.

"Ross … what's wrong?"

He found it hard to answer. He leaned hard against the door.

"The clinic just called …"

"Oh my God, what … what's wrong with dad?"

"Nothing … nothing's wrong with him."

"Then what's wrong? Why did they call you?"

"It's mom …"

Dressing with lightening speed she ran out the door with her brother in tow, not bothering to close the door.

* * *

**The Doctor**

Ross, Monica my name is Dr. Jordan, I am your mother's general practitioner. From what I was told your mother was complaining of lightheadedness while at the clinic. We've run a number of tests including an EKG and CAT scan and …"

The doctor paused …

"What? What did you find doctor?" Asked Ross.

"The scan indicated a mass growing within your mother's cranium. We ran further tests and called in a specialist, an oncologist to assist. The specialist confirmed that your mother has brain cancer."

There it was again … that most ugly of words, CANCER. As the word left his lips the siblings reacted. Ross's eyes widened significantly, becoming wet and glassy. Monica reacted by lifting her hands to her mouth, gasping. The doctor gave them a few moments for the news to sink in, preparing himself to answer those questions that would inevitably be asked of him …

"What kind of treatment do you recommend to cure her?" Asked Ross.

"I would recommend a highly concentrated regiment of radiation directly aimed at the tumor. I recommend starting her treatment right away. The treatment should be administered once a week for six weeks."

"Doctor, what is my mother's long-term prognosis?" She asked.

The doctor paused again, looking into her eyes.

"Your mother's prognosis is not good. The survival rate for this type of cancer is very low. Typically, a patient with this type of cancer will survive only six to nine months."

Darkness fell upon the pair as they realized that they would soon be without their mother.

The doctor interjected …

"I understand that your father has multiple myeloma and is receiving dialysis. You can take your mother home in a few days. Your parents are really going to need your support."

* * *

**The Sister**

She had always had issues with her mother. Her mother had always favored her brother over her. She found it ironic that with all their problems, that she was devastated by the news, much more so than when she had learned about her father's illness.

Supported by her brother she returned to the waiting room. Ross had called Chandler on the way to the hospital, knowing that his sister would need him. As Chandler saw her he rose from his seat and took her in his arms.

There they sat. She buried her face into his shoulder and cried.

She had not been the perfect mother, but she was the only one she had ever known. She wondered if there was enough time, enough time to talk. Was there enough time to reconcile with her before it was too late?

Then it hit her. The impact was so hard that she withdrew from his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

She lifted her eyes up to his and replied …

"How am I ever going to find the strength to say goodbye?"

At that moment she ran into the room. Spotting Monica she ran to her, and embraced her friend in a warm hug. As she looked up from her shoulder at his face she could see the sadness in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I would have been here sooner but I just found out."

* * *

**The Best Friend**

"Chandler, let's go get some coffee. Come walk with me." He asked.

"Sure Ross. Monica, will you be OK with me leaving you with Rachel?"

Nodding in the affirmative he took his leave. The long-time friends walked slowly down the hall, without saying a word. He wanted to tell him, he just didn't know how. He decided on the direct method …

"She's going to die."

"What, when?" Asked Chandler.

"Mom has brain cancer. The doctor wants to give her radiation treatments but he gave her six to nine months to live."

A pall covered the pair as they entered the cafeteria. Grabbing some coffee they sat at a table.

"Could this coffee BE any worse?" Joked Chandler, trying to break the tension in the air.

Silence, an uncomfortable silence fell over them. Their eyes met. Ross was the first to look away, down at his coffee. His mother was not the only topic that he wanted to discuss.

"Ross, I need to ask you something."

Ross looked up at his friend. He knew what he wanted to talk about.

"Ask her Chandler. She loves you. She needs you."

"How did you know that I was thinking?"

"You told me that you've been waiting for the right time. Monica is devastated right now. She's losing them. She so badly wanted mom and dad at her wedding. She's dreamt of dad walking her down the aisle ever since she was a little girl."

"You don't think this is a little inappropriate?"

"Chandler, we don't have the luxury of time anymore. It's probably too late to give them another grandchild, but I cannot think of a better goodbye gift to give them than their daughter's happiness."

He paused and continued …

"Do you want to marry her?"

"Of course, you know that I do. More than anything … I love her."

"Then ask her. There is nothing more you could do for my parents then to let them know that they are leaving knowing that their little harmonica will be loved and taken care of. Love her Chandler. Take care of her and let her take care of you. Things are going to get very bad before they get better. Monica is going to need you more than anyone."

* * *

**The Girl**

Entering the waiting room Chandler returned to Monica's side. Rachel, realizing that he was alone asked chandler …

"Chandler, where is Ross? Wasn't he with you?"

"Yeah, we walked down to the cafeteria, had some really bad coffee and talked. He said he needed some time to himself so I left him there, alone."

Leaving Monica with her boyfriend she headed out the door and down the hall. Entering the elevator she descended towards the cafeteria. As the doors opened she ran into the eatery, only to find him gone. Exiting, she walked down the hall, looking through any open door. Then it hit her. She stopped. "Where would he be in his state of mind?" she asked herself ...

It came to her. She turned on her heels and retraced her steps. She slowed as she came to the door. She knew the door would be open, it always was. As she entered the room she saw him, sitting in the back with his head turned downward.

"I had a feeling that I would find you here."

"I needed to find a place of solace, I needed to be alone. How's my sister?"

"She's OK, Chandler is taking care of her."

He considered the consequences of telling her. In his condition he did not care …

"Chandler is going to propose …"

"What? Are you serious? Chandler is going to propose to Monica?"

"Chandler asked me if I thought it was a good idea. He's wanted to ask her for a while but with everything that's been going on he never found the right time. I told him that time was up, that she needed him and that my parents would be happy knowing that someone would be taking care of her after they are gone."

He didn't mean or know it but his words were like a knife cutting deep into her heart. She had hurt him and now he needed her, more than ever. As she sat there next to him in utter silence a thought came to her. She needed to talk to him, to tell him about things … and why they had happened.

There they sat, both looking straight at the altar …

"Ross, I need to talk to you."

"What about?" He asked.

"About things. About your family, about us."

"Rachel, I might not be very good company right now but I love to listen to your voice. Talk away …" He said, just looking down at the floor.

"I know that I've said I was sorry about the divorce but I wanted to tell you why I signed the papers."

He looked up, straight ahead and interjected …

"You know Rachel, I was thinking about our divorce today. I've thought about it and I think it was a good idea that you went through with it."

Shocked, but suppressing the urge to show it outwardly, she responded …

"Why? Why do you think it was a good idea?"

"Because with everything that is going on in my life right now, I wouldn't make you a very good husband. I'm having to focus all my energy onto two very sick parents."

She turned to face forward, slightly lowering her head. It was taking everything she had to open up and talk to him. She avoided eye contact at all costs …

"Ross, I wanted to tell you why I signed the papers."

"You don't have to tell me Rachel ..."

"I want to tell you, I really do!"

"Then why did you do it?"

"I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"I was afraid of you. I was afraid of getting hurt again. I was afraid of losing my freedom and committing to someone for the rest of my life."

"You are afraid of me?"

"I **was** afraid of you. I decided to get help with my fear so I started seeing a psychologist. She's been helping me cope with it. She's told me that fear is perfectly normal. She's provided me with many coping skills that I use to deal it."

"This is interesting … I've been seeing a therapist myself." He replied.

"What? Why?"

He did not want to reveal the truth to her … that she was the main reason why he needed help. He tried to avoid the issue …

"Because of things, you know. My parent's health and all."

"Would our divorce happen to be one of those reasons?" She asked.

He couldn't lie to her …

"Perhaps."

The pair had been sitting there for almost a half-hour. Their eyes returned to the altar of the chapel. Silence again blanketed the pair. After a while she broke the silence …

"Ross, do you remember the mix tapes that you gave me when we were dating?"

"Well, I remember one, no, two tapes I gave you. The first I gave you when we were dating, the second I gave you after we broke up."

"I never listened to the second tape until just this last week. When you originally gave it to me I was so mad at you that I just threw it in my memory box and forgot about it."

"Oh." Is all he could say, not knowing where this was going.

"Then last week I found it and listened to it. The music was so sad."

"It was how I must have felt at the time. To be honest Rachel, I don't remember what songs I put on that tape. It's been like 4 years since our breakup."

He took in a huge breath and sighed. He continued …

"So, you divorced me because you are afraid of me …"

"I **WAS** afraid of you …"

"OK, you were afraid of me, you are seeing a therapist and you just now listened to the mix tape that I put together to try to get you to reconsider our breakup of 4 years ago."

"Yes."

"Did you like the tape?"

"I did. It made me think."

"Oh, about what?"

"It helped me see how much our breakup effected you, and then of course I breakup with you again 4 years later when we get divorced."

He looked down and pulled a pen from his pocket. Out of his wallet he pulled a small piece of paper. Putting pen to paper he started writing. Every few seconds he would raise his head and look off into some distant direction and wince his eyes, as if trying to remember something …

"What are you doing Ross?" She asked.

"I'm trying to remember the lyrics to a song and write them down."

"Why?" She asked.

"Sometimes music can communicate a message more effectively than the spoken word. I've tried many ways to communicate with you over the years. I've tried music only a few times and it seems to be a good way to try to convey how I feel."

It took him a few more seconds and he was done. He had recorded a simple message and prepared to give it to her.

"Rachel, the most beautiful songs ever written were composed at times of great emotional stress, like when you first fall in love or you breakup. I wanted to tell you that I know how you feel about being scared by me ... because you have scared me more than you will ever know. You scared me when you let it first slip that you had feelings for me. The feelings that I had for you when we were together are the most frightening I have ever had. I was so terrified of you, my feelings for you and how important you had become to me that I made a fatal mistake. I became possessive and destroyed our relationship. I slept with another woman. Fear had won, we had lost. Do you remember months ago when we were on that date and I told you that I wasn't afraid anymore?"

She thought for a moment and replied "yes".

"Well, what I meant to say is that a lot of things still scare me, like losing my parents, but NOT the feelings that I have for you."

He looked down at the paper he held and continued …

"I'm no longer afraid because I found the answer. Here, take this. Whoever wrote this put my feelings into words … they knew the answer too."

She took the paper and hesitated a moment. He looked into her eyes and smiled a bit then turned away to stare at the altar.

Slowly she unfolded the paper and started reading. It was hard, his handwriting was that bad:

_**Sometimes we make it harder than it is**_

_**We'll take a perfect night**_

_**And fill it up with words we don't mean**_

_**Dark sides best unseen**_

_**And we wonder why we're feeling this way.**_

_**Sometimes I wonder if we really feel the same**_

_**Why we can be unkind**_

_**Questioning the strongest of hearts**_

_**That's when we must start**_

_**Believing in the one thing that has gotten us this far.**_

_**---------------------------------- **_

_**That's what love is for**_

_**To help us through it**_

_**That's what love is for**_

_**Nothing else can do it.**_

_**Melt our defenses**_

_**Bring us back to our senses**_

_**Give us strength to try once more**_

_**Baby, that's what love is for.**_

_**------------------------------------------ **_

_**Sometimes I see you**_

_**And you don't know I am there**_

_**And I'm washed away by emotions**_

_**I hold deep down inside**_

_**Getting stronger with time**_

_**It's living through the fire**_

_**And holding on we find**_

_**----------------------------------- **_

_**That's what love is for**_

_**To help us through it**_

_**That's what love is for**_

_**Nothing else can do it.**_

_**Round off the edges**_

_**Talk us down from the ledges**_

_**Give us strength to try once more**_

**_Baby, that's what love is for._**

**_- _**

After she finished reading, she took a few moments to compose herself, she was shaken. Her eyes were wet from the emotions she felt.

He knew that she had finished reading the lyrics when she looked up. He would speak before she could …

"Rachel, love is the answer. Love will find a way. It will get Monica and I through the loss of our parents and one day it will make you the happiest girl of earth."

She looked over at him. He returned her gaze. Her eyes started tearing. She paused for a moment before speaking …

"You are wrong, Ross. You are so utterly wrong."

"What, what do you mean? Why am I wrong?"

She slowly leaned over, moving her lips to his. Just before touching she averted her face to one side. She moved her lips up to his ear.

She whispered …

"You are so wrong. You would make an excellent husband! I want you to know that I will be with you through all of this. I will be your strength when you are weak. I will carry you when you are exhausted ..."

She paused for a moment, battling her fear. She wanted to say it, something that she had wanted to declare for a long time. The effort she had expended with her therapist had not been in vain. She was terrified but she just had to say it …

"… and I am so very much in love with you."


	14. Confession by moonlight

Sorry folks but work (2 trips in 3 weeks) has had an adverse effect on my ability to update this story, please forgive me. Please review and comment …

* * *

Two and a half weeks later … 

The Manhattan corporate offices of Ralph Lauren …

It is 8:30 at night …

"Are you almost finished?" She asked.

"Yes. That's it, the report is finished. Now all I have to do is print it and we can go home."

"So Rachel, how have things been since you moved back in with Ross?"

"Things have been wonderful, Sophie. I'm so happy that I moved back in with him."

"How did your roommate Phoebe handle the move?"

"Well, her apartment was finally repaired a week ago so it was time for her to move out of Ross's apartment. At that point I decided to stay with him instead of moving back with her. She understood."

"So how is Ross handling you working all of these late-night projects? Do you remember when we both worked at Bloomingdales? Remember how jealous and out of sorts he got before your breakup, when you had to work late?"

She thought for a moment …

"You know Sophie, we really haven't talked about it."

Rachel looked down and wondered. She really had no idea as to how he was dealing with not seeing her during these busy weeks. Her thoughts turned to concern … Sophie interjected …

"Rachel, do you remember all of those crazy romantic things Ross did when you were together and you had to work late? The flowers, the food. You miss it, don't you?"

Rachel remembered …

She recalled all the irrational and possessive things that he used to do. She'd tell him not to come in to work … he came anyway. The flowers, the presents, the food … she did not miss his insecurity but she did miss his attention. She couldn't recall ever feeling that way before and since. He was so jealous and domineering yet his actions made her feel appreciated and wanted.

"Sophie, yes, I miss the attention. What I don't miss is his insecurity and possessiveness. Do you remember how crazy he was at the time?"

Sophie thought for a moment and smiled. She responded …

"Sure, I remember …"

She paused, making Rachel curious.

"What Sophie? What's wrong?"

"… I … I just can't imagine someone ever feeling that way about me. To be so crazy in love with me and to do those things that he did for you. He must really have loved you back then."

Rachel froze. She stared deeply into the eyes of her friend. Sophie's face presented her with a new perspective, one so diametrically opposite to how she had felt then. She gazed into the soul of a woman who would have given anything to be the center of someone's attention. To be showered with a man's affections, his time and his gifts. She would gladly have been smothered by him.

"I'm sorry Sophie, you'll find someone, you will, I'm sure you will."

"Please Rachel, don't patronize me. I'm not hurt or upset. On the contrary, I'm surprised and happy for you. You found your man not one but twice. All I could think about when you told me about you and Ross was that you were getting something that most people would die for … another chance. The big difference between then and now is that Ross doesn't seem to be possessive, he's not fawning all over you."

There it was again, that nagging feeling that something was missing, that something was not right. Why wasn't he paying her more attention to her? She missed it; she had to go home to see him.

"Sophie, I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye …"

Rachel set off in a rush to the elevator … she had to talk to him.

* * *

The air smelled of roses, the lights were dimmed. The room was illuminated only by a few strategically placed candles. The water felt just right; it was neither too hot nor cold. He held his head just above the waterline, allowing the bath salts to do their magic on his tired body. He was almost asleep when she got in with him. Her feet touched his legs as she sat down across from him in the tub … 

"Ah, the water is perfect!'

"Yeah, it is. It feels so good I had almost fallen asleep."

There she sat, the woman he loved. He could hardly see her though the suds and bubbles in the tub. He gently pushed them away so as to see her face.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"How was your day?"

"It was tiring. I had to work late. How was yours?"

"It was just another day in the salt mines." He replied, trying to find the opportunity that he had been looking for. The current situation seemed perfect …

"So, did you talk to your parents today?"

"Yeah, Dad's doing OK but I'm concerned about Mom …"

"Why, what did she say?" He asked, concerned.

"It's not what she said; it's what my father said. He's noticed that she's having some trouble putting coherent sentences together. She will start a conversation, get halfway through and then totally forget what she was talking about."

"Oh, is that all? That's normal. It happens to me all the time."

"Chandler, it's not normal. Mom never used to have problems remembering things or being able to talk effectively. I'm worried."

He had been offered the opportunity; it was time to take it …

"Monica, I've got a surprise for you."

"What, what is it?"

"You'll have to close your eyes first."

"OK, wait a minute; you're not going to pull one of your practical jokes on me are you?"

"Would I do that?" He asked.

"In a minute!" She replied.

"I promise this is no joke. I bought you something and I wanted to surprise you with it. If you don't like it you can return it, I promise."

"Alright, but this better not be one of your jokes …" She replied as she closed her eyes.

With her eyes closed all she could do was hear him, making noise and feeling the water fall and rise again as he left and then re-entered the tub. Quiet, it got very quiet. Not a sound could be heard. The water became still … and then an object, floated across the water, gently touched her neck. She opened her eyes … it was one of Chandler's plastic ships that she had bought him to play with when taking a bath, but this one was different …

Tears, tears came to her eyes as she quickly realized what it had all been about. Tied to the model was the most beautiful diamond ring …

"You can return it if you don't like it." He said.

She couldn't answer, she was speechless. He knew what her answer would be. It was time to ask the question …

He picked up the model and untied the ring. Taking her hand he started …

"Monica, you are my best friend. A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still gently allows you to grow. You have been all these things to me … and more. I ask only one other thing of you now, please be my wife."

She had cried so much the last few months she was sure she was out of tears … she was wrong. She cried so much that Chandler thought the tub would overflow onto the bathroom floor. The sadness of the recent past was replaced, at least for the moment by the promise of a future lifetime with the man she loved. Her tears were not of sadness but of unending joy …

"Yes. Yes Chandler I will marry you."

And the water overflowed the tub as she attacked not her boyfriend but her fiancé.

* * *

As she approached the door she wondered, wondered what was happening on the other side. She wished she had the ability to see through doors, but she didn't. She took in a deep breath and inserted her key. Opening the door she found the apartment bathed in darkness, the only light coming from the moonlight shining through the window. Slowly she entered and closed the door. She wondered where he could be at this late hour. "Perhaps he's at his sister's." She thought. Instinctively she inched her way over to the end table to retrieve the phone. Instead her knee made full impact with the side of the couch … 

"Ouch!"

"Hey." Came a voice from the far side of the room. It was him.

"Ross, where are you?"

"I'm over by the window. Throw your stuff down and come over and sit with me."

As if by his command she did as he asked. She slowly edged her way around the couch. As her eyes became accustomed to the darkness she was finally able to see his silhouette against the moonlight. She moved to his chair, gently touching his shoulder.

Feeling her touch he lifted his hand and took hers in his. Pulling her forward he gently placed her across his lap. Once settled, he reached his left hand down to her feet, removing her shoes and gently rubbing the stress of the day from her feet.

"That feels so good …"

He said nothing. She was concerned …

"Ross, why were you sitting here in the dark, all by yourself?"

Again he said nothing.

Time passed. He spoke …

"Rachel, can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything Ross, you know that." She replied.

"Rachel, you telling me that you loved me at the hospital was like music to my ears. Then when you asked me to move back in with me you made me so happy. Having you here, sitting on my lap, allowing me to hold you in my arms and letting me kiss your sweet lips is a gift from heaven …"

He considered his words very carefully …

"… but I have to ask you this. I know that you will be honest with me. I trust you so much."

"What … what is it Ross?" She asked, getting a little concerned.

"Rachel, I need to know that you returned to me for the right reasons. Did you come back because you felt sorry for me? I need to know if you are here because my parents are dying."

He could not see her face, it was too dark. He waited for her answer …

Rachel sat there pondering his question. It didn't take long for her to answer …

"Ross, I love you. I came back to you because you had changed, we both have. I signed the papers and left you because you scared me. You had become the Ross that I never thought you would or could grow to be. Our love has been the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares. I want the beautiful dreams and to forget the terrible nightmares that we've had. My therapist asked me to write down what I wanted; the kind of life I dreamed of and the people in that dream. I want you Ross …"

His body trembled …

She could hear him sobbing in the dark. She rested her head on his shoulder.

There they sat for a while, in the dark.

"Ross, do you remember when I went to work at Bloomingdales? Remember how jealous and upset you got when I had to work late?"

He didn't answer. She continued …

"Remember how you used to come to my work with flowers and balloons and food and all?"

Again, he didn't answer. She was getting concerned …

"Why haven't you come down to the office lately? I miss you showing up at work and all …"

"Rachel." He said.

"I did all of that because I thought I loved you …"

"You thought you loved me?"

"I kept visiting you and bringing you gifts for the wrong reasons. I did all of that because I was afraid of losing you. I got possessive and stopped trusting you. That's not love … it selfishness."

She remained quiet, her attention hanging on each of his words …

"Rachel, aren't you at all concerned that I'll get jealous and possessive of you again?"

She thought for a moment. She had to be honest with him if their relationship had a chance …

"Yes, I guess, a little …"

"Rachel, I want you to know that I am still jealous and a bit possessive of you. The difference this time is that I realize that this is normal and that I can control it. Any man who really cares for a woman should realize that she and their relationship need to be taken care of and not taken for granted. The moment a woman is taken for granted is the moment that she becomes unappreciated and the instant that she can be lost."

He lowered his gaze to the floor. After a dramatic pause he continued …

"Rachel, I want to tell you …"

She interrupted, concerned.

"… What, Ross, what do you want to tell me?"

"… that I feel that I don't deserve you and that I feel that I never will."

His body again trembled …

For twenty minutes they laid there, silently, still. She could hear the beating of his heart and the rhythm of his breath. She closed her eyes and thought that this is what heaven must be like. She didn't think she could love him anymore, but she was wrong.

The phone rang …

"I'll get it."

"No!" He replied, "Let the machine get it. I don't want this moment to end, ever."

She agreed.

After the customary recorded greeting the caller left their message … screaming.

"ROSS! RACHEL! Answer the phone! It's me, Monica. I'm engaged! Call me back when you get this message! Bye …"

Peace and quiet again returned to the apartment, except for the giggling coming from the pair entwined near the window.

"We should go over and congratulate the happy couple." She said as she repositioned herself on his lap.

"Yeah, we should. But before we go I need to warn you."

"Warn me about what?" She asked, concerned.

"Monica doesn't know yet but I got a call today. It was about mom. She fell and broke her hip. She's in the hospital. After she's released she'll have to be admitted to a nursing home for rehab so that she can get better and go home … to die. If we tell her tonight we'll ruin her happiness. I'll tell Monica tomorrow."

She was perplexed. He seemed to know more than he was telling her …

"Ross, tell me … do you know something that you're not telling me?"

He paused.

He looked into her eyes.

She knew.

They had dated. They had been married. They had both loved and hated each other.

Experience told her … she knew.

"The radiation is not working. The tumor is getting larger. As it gets bigger it is impinging on the healthy part of her brain. She's losing the ability to talk … and now a loss of motor function has caused her to fall … and break her hip. She doesn't have much time left."

She looked into his eyes again and through the moonlight saw nothing but sadness.

"Rachel, I need you to be the best friend you can to my sister. Don't tell her, she's so happy right now. Let her live for the moment in sweet ignorance. She'll know soon enough. I'll have to tell her before we go to the hospital tomorrow."

He had one more request …

"As hard as it is going to be I need to ask you to put on a happy face. Tonight, for the moment, everything is about Monica and her engagement. Nothing else matters …"

"Ross, before we go over to see Monica and Chandler I want to tell you something."

Now he was concerned …

"What? Is there anything wrong?" He asked.

"No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you."

"Forgive me for what?"

"I forgive you for Chloe …"

He broke down …

He shook. He cried. It had all been too much for him to take. It was as if all of his sins had been forgiven.

He had been washed clean.


	15. I will tell them that I loved you

**This chapter was so very hard to write (the hardest yet). I hope you enjoy it.**

**For those who seem to enjoy this story ... Stessa, Tina, rajen48, blebo92, BrookeGreen, hamilkm, floatlikeasponge and everyone else who has been kind enough to review.**

* * *

A month later … 

The phone rings …

"Yes, this is Dr. Gellar."

He pauses. He raises his left arm then drops it to his side in frustration.

"What? A staff meeting! No, I have plans! It's required? … Fine, what time? I'll be there!"

He hangs the phone up, disgusted.

"Who was that? asked his girlfriend.

"It was my office. The Dean has called a staff meeting for this morning, it's required and I have to go."

"What about your parents?"

"I'll have to call Monica and postpone our visit. This sucks! You know how hard it is for the both of us to find time to visit together. Our schedules conflict so much."

Rachel thought for a moment.

"Wait, why don't you go to your meeting and I'll go with Monica."

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Go, we'll be fine. It will give me a chance to spend some time with Jack and Judy."

At well over 6 feet he towered over her. Even in heels he dwarfed her by six inches. He looked down into her eyes; reaching for her hands he kissed her forehead.

"Thank you. My mother will be thrilled to see you. Tell her I love her."

"I will."

As he left for his meeting he turned and said "Thank you …"

* * *

So many times … 

… Over so many years.

The door …

… So familiar.

There they stood, staring at the door.

She paused. She looked to her left at her friend.

"Are you ready?"

"As ready as you are." replied Rachel.

She took a deep breath and exhaled.

She raised her hand, made a fist and knocked on the door.

After a few moments the door opened. Greeting them was a smiling face, happy to see them.

"My little Harmonica!"

He grabbed his daughter and hugged her.

"Rachel!"

Releasing his daughter he gave Rachel a warm hug, as would a father.

"Thanks for coming; please come on in."

Closing the door he took their coats.

"Your mother is in the bedroom. She's been resting since she was released from the home. Go ahead, I'll make some coffee."

"Thanks dad."

The pair walked slowly towards their destination. A strange feeling of wanting and needing to see her mother was tempered by the fear of seeing her in her sickened condition.

As the pair entered her bedroom her face lit up. For a fleeting moment her illness was forgotten.

"Monica, Rachel, what a nice surprise! Come in and sit. Where's Ross?"

"He had to attend a last-minute staff meeting." replied Rachel.

"He was very upset when he found out about it, he so wanted to visit you. He's sorry he couldn't be here. He told me to tell you that he loves you."

Judy tried to hide her disappointment. "That's alright, it will give us girls a … a … a chance to talk."

"Mom, are you alright?"

"I'm fine dear; I just have problems coming up with the right words. This is what old age looks like." She joked.

Monica could tell. Her time was short. She knew that every day they waited was another lost opportunity, an opportunity to say goodbye.

One day she would leave … and Monica would never see her again, alive.

There the three sat, talking cordially for over an hour. Their conversation was interrupted occasionally by Judy's speech problem and by Jack, delivering coffee.

Slowly over the course of their talk Judy had become nervous and uncomfortable. She had lied to herself. She knew that her time as short. She had avoided having the "talk" with her only daughter for much too long. Towards the end of her life Judy had had the opportunity to look back at their relationship in retrospect. It was not something she could easily talk about. She decided to work up to it by first talking to Rachel.

"Monica, could I talk to Rachel for a few minutes, you know, alone?"

Her request surprised Monica. She had come to visit her mother, to try to talk about their feelings before her inevitable demise.

Rachel too was surprised by her request. She loved Judy. She was as close to her as she was to her own mother. She thought it inappropriate that she should stay and that Monica should go.

The pair looked at each other, waiting for the other to respond.

Finally, defeated, she rose and left …

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. Rachel's eyes gazed at the floor.

"I know … I know that I need to talk to Monica. R …Rachel, don't worry. I will talk to her; I just need to work up to it. I was h … h … hoping that we could talk for a little while. It will help me build up my courage."

"Oh, sure Judy."

"Judy, what would you like to talk about?"

"Let's talk about you. H … h … how have you been? It's been a long time since we talked last."

"I've been fine. I'm still working at Ralph Lauren."

"So, how is y … your love life? Are you seeing anyone special?"

It had indeed been a long time …

Judy had no idea as to what had been going on in their lives.

She was conflicted. She loved her and thought that she would want to know. She deserved to know the truth …

"Judy … I am seeing someone at the moment."

"That's wonderful!" exclaimed Judy, with as much strength as she could muster. "Tell me about him."

Rachel continued …

"He is tall and handsome and has big brown eyes …"

"W … w … what does he d … d … do for a living?"

Rachel let her eyes fall to the floor. She considered how to break it to her. She looked up and continued, somewhat uneasily …

"He works at the university."

"Oh, doing what?" Asked Judy.

"He is a professor there. He teaches and lectures and all …"

Perhaps because of her condition or better yet that she had given them up for lost, Judy had failed to make the connection that Rachel was trying to make …

"Does this young man of yours know Ross?"

Rachel again lowered her eyes. Biting her lower lip she quickly looked up again.

Judy finally saw the light …

"Oh."

There was a pause …

"How long have you been dating?"

"We've been living together for almost three weeks."

"Living together?"

She didn't know if it was appropriate but she was sure that she had to tell her. She didn't know how much longer Judy had left. This could be her last chance to talk to her ex-mother-in-law …

"Judy, I love you like my mother. I'm sorry but I need to tell you about Ross and me."

"Is everything alright with you two?"

"Judy, we are fine but it hasn't always been this way. Ross and I were married."

A look of utter surprise appeared on her face. It was a look best described as half way between elation and being heartbroken. Rachel had said "were" …

"You were married. S … so you're not married anymore?"

"Judy, we flew to Las Vegas to visit a friend. While we were there we had too much to drink and got married at a chapel. I can't believe they let us get married … we were so drunk."

"You, you and Ross had a drunken wedding?"

"Yes. When we got back from Las Vegas we decided to get divorced but there were problems …"

"W … w … what problems? I'm sorry Rachel, but you'll have to excuse my condition."

"That's OK Judy. You're sick. You need to take it easy. Do you want me to leave and let you rest?"

"N … no, I want to know. I want to be involved in my children's lives … until I can't be any longer. So what were these p … p … problems you were talking about?"

"Ross lied to me. He told me that would talk care of the divorce but he didn't."

"Why?"

"He lied because he was in still in love with me. He didn't want to get divorced."

Rachel felt low. She stared at the floor while Judy desperately tried to get her to look at her.

"And you did?"

"I didn't know how I felt so I signed the divorce papers with the name "Mrs. Gellar". I needed to buy some time. Later I moved in with him for a while when the apartment I lived in caught fire. Ross put everything he had into our marriage …"

Rachel lowered her head in shame.

" … but I didn't. He scared me so much that I signed the papers. Our marriage was over."

"Why d … d … did he scare you?" Asked Judy, curious.

"I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid of losing my freedom. I was afraid of redundancy."

Judy was again curious. Rachel was using past-tense to describe her fear.

"You WERE afraid?"

"I was afraid; I guess I still am a little …"

"R … Rachel, it's perfectly normal to be afraid. I was afraid when I c …c … committed to Jack."

Then she asked the question that she had always feared being asked …

"Do you love him?"

In the past Rachel would have scoffed at such an idea, even if she had been in love with him, she would not have wanted for her feelings to be made public. Things were very different this time. She had anticipated being very nervous and unsure when answering. She was not …

"Yes. I love him very much. We've both changed. We've grown."

Judy smiled. Her face lit up. She wondered …

"Rachel, would y … y … you have divorced Ross if you felt this way back then, when you signed your marriage away?"

Her question mesmerized Rachel. She had never thought of asking herself this before. She looked into her eyes and asked "This is a test, isn't it?"

"Yes, would you divorce him?"

She knew the answer …

"No. No, I would not. I love him so much. I guess the only thing I would ask of him is to have a real wedding with you and Jack, my parents and all of our friends in attendance."

"So you love him and you live together? What are the two of you waiting for?"

"What do you mean, Judy?"

"Rachel, look at me, I'm dying. This is the future that all humans inevitably face. N … n … no matter how much money or fame we have, we inevitably die. When we are young and healthy we are blind. We think that we will live forever. As we get older our eyes are opened. We r … r … realize that our lives are short and that it doesn't last forever."

She was getting tired. She still had to talk to her daughter …

"Rachel, would you please make me a promise?"

"Sure Judy, what is it?"

"Take care of him. His father and I will be gone soon. Monica will have Chandler and Ross will … will have you. He's a good boy. He's loved you for so long. He needs someone to watch over him. I c … c … can't think of a better person for the job."

Sadness, despair, and hopelessness are just a few of the feelings that she felt at that moment. It was all Rachel could do for her to take care of her son, to love him in her absence. She put everything she had into retaining her composure. She had to be strong for her.

Still, she cried …

"Judy, I promise. I will watch over him for you."

"Thank you, Rachel. Could you please ask Monica to come in? It's time …"

* * *

Two people … 

So many feelings …

So little time …

How do you resolve a lifetime of issues in one conversation? How do you say goodbye?

They didn't know how to either …

Silence, breathing, two heartbeats ... a touch.

"So how are you and Chandler doing?" asked Judy as she stroked Monica's arm.

"Oh, we're fine mom. We're making plans for the wedding."

"When is the wedding again? I can't seem to remember anything these days."

Monica had always dreamed of planning her own wedding, picking out her own dress and doing it all with her mother and girlfriends. She had always thought that she would be engaged for at least a year before the ceremony. Reality forced her to change her plans. With her mother's condition deteriorating she was forced to compress a year's worth of planning into a month. She wanted her there. She only hoped her mother was still around to see her get married …

"The wedding is in a month. We want you and dad to be there."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world. You are going to look so beautiful in your dress. Did you pick it out yet?"

"Yes, Rachel and Phoebe went with me to Brooklyn to buy it at a bridal shop. You should have seen the place, it was a madhouse! I had to wrestle a woman for my dress!"

They both giggled at the thought. The ice between them was thawing …

* * *

An hour later … it had taken that long … 

"Mom, can I ask you something? It may be tough for you to answer … but I need to know."

"Sure Monica. What is it?"

"I need to know why, why you favored Ross over me. Why did you love him more than me? I, I need to know." She said, nearly in tears.

"Monica, I know this is going to be hard for you to un … un … understand and accept but I did not favor Ross over you. I certainly did not love you any less than him."

"How can you say that? Even my own friends can see how differently you treated us!"

"Monica, calm down."

Judy was getting tired; it showed on her face and her slowed speech. She wanted to rest but she had to finish, to get it out.

Monica too knew that her mother was worn-out; she could see it in her eyes. The disease and the long conversations she had had with them had taken their toll. She knew she should let her rest … but she had to know, she had to have an answer.

"I know this is no excuse but, but … but I treated you the only way I knew how. I treated you the same way that my mother treated me!"

Monica sat there motionless. She needed the time to try to understand what she had just heard. There is a difference between hearing and understanding. She had heard what Judy had said, she couldn't comprehend it.

"You what? You treated me because grandma treated you that way?"

"Yes, I know it's no excuse. I, I'm sorry that I was so hard on you. You must try to understand, I was treated this way by your grandmother … it is the way I thought I was supposed to raise a daughter!"

Monica couldn't believe what she was hearing. She lost it …

"Mom, I can't believe what I'm hearing! Do you know how unloved and hurt that I've felt for so long?"

"Monica, I never meant to hurt you and I n … n … never stopped loving you."

Monica's yelling had been heard by the others. Just then Jack and Rachel entered the room, concerned.

"Is everything alright? We heard yelling." asked Jack as Rachel stared into Monica's eyes.

"Everything is fine." Replied Judy, as Monica shifted her eyes from Rachel to the floor. Attempting to put some distance between herself and her mother, Monica walked to the far side of the room.

"Judy, are you alright? It's almost time for your medications."

"Jack, I'm fine but very tired. Could you please give Monica and I just five more minutes? Then I promise that I'll t … t … take my meds and get some rest."

"Alright dear, five more minutes." Replied Jack as he shifted his gaze to his daughter, facing the opposite wall.

As the door closed the pair faced the impending quiet. With no available words to say the mother and her daughter endured the deafening silence, together.

The mother sat there facing her daughter, who would not face her. A bare wall was more comfort to her than that of the woman who gave birth to her. She couldn't talk … she didn't know what to say. It was too hard …

"Monica, we d … d … don't have much time left. I know that you don't like me very much right now and you might even hate me. I just want you to know that I love you. You are my only daughter. Do you know how hard this is?

Judy was exhausted and searching for the strength to continue. She thought it ironic that an entire lifetime spent with her daughter might very well come down to these last few minutes filled with carefully chosen words, words that she hoped would comfort and begin to heal the wounds of their past …

"Monica, I know I wasn't the best mother to you but I want you to know that I love you very much. I d … d … oh damn it!

Judy was losing the ability to talk. She struggled to finish …

"Monica, I'm so tired … I can hardly think. What I am trying to say is that I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave you and your brother and father. I love you more than I love myself. I don't want to go! This is being forced upon me against my will. I just hope to God that I have enough time left to attend your wedding. I regret that I will never know my grandchildren."

She couldn't avert her eyes any longer. She turned toward her mother. She didn't care that she was crying and her makeup was a mess. She had to face her …

"I will tell them all about you. I will tell them how good of a mother you were and how great of a grandmother you would have been. I will tell them that you left against your will and that you are sorry you couldn't be here for them. I will tell them that I loved you."

She wiped her tears with the cuff of her blouse …

"I will tell them that I was proud to be your daughter."


	16. The favor of their lives

**Sorry for the latest delay. This is getting more difficult for me to write. The words used to flow through my mind, now I struggle to find the words to put to paper ... **

**For those who follow this story, we are nearing the end ... in two or three chapters.**

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Brookegreen, who has been so kind with her reviews ...**

* * *

Her friends believed that she had her dream job, that she was happy. For the most part they were right. She had her good days and bad days. 

Today was a bad day.

It had been filled with meetings, deadlines and boring presentations.

A report was late. The fabrics had been ordered but had not arrived. Her boss yelled at her.

She had a bad day. Calling it "bad" was being too kind.

Only her dreams kept her going …

…visions of him and the time they shared together.

Five o'clock … it was time to leave, to escape!

It was Friday, she couldn't wait. They would spend the whole weekend together, hopefully alone.

Grabbing her coat she rushed to the elevator. She walked out of the building onto Madison Avenue.

Heading south she hurried to the subway station, hoping to catch the next train.

She became disappointed and frustrated, everything stood in her way.

There were so many people and there was so little space to maneuver in.

Flashing red and blue lights caught her eye, she slowed.

People; people everywhere, gawking at something.

An ambulance arrives with sirens blaring as the police push back the crowd.

A body … flowers … a man.

White lilies scattered against the cold pavement.

She worried.

"No." she muttered, under her breath.

She couldn't go on, she stopped, she had to see for herself.

"Excuse me, please, excuse me!" She yelled as she pushed her way through the crowd.

"You'll have to get back Miss." declared the policeman.

"What happened?" she asked.

"A cab came out of nowhere and hit this guy as he was crossing the street. He was running North on Madison in a rush, he never saw it coming. Do you know him?"

"I don't know, I can't see his face." She replied as she gazed at the body, covered with a cloth. "What was his name?"

"Gellar."

Her arms went limp. Her bag dropped to the ground. Her eyes pooled with tears. Her jaw dropped.

He knew. He could see it in her eyes.

She fell to the street.

"Do you know him?"

"Yes, he's my boyfriend!" She shrieked as the tears fell down her cheeks. Standing, she ran to the body, uncovering his face …

It was him.

She threw herself onto his body, "No!" she screamed, causing the crowd to hush.

"Ross, Ross wake up!"

"I'm sorry …he's dead."

"No, this can't be! We've been through too much for this to happen!" She cried as she cupped his face in her hands.

"Miss, these must be for you. We found them lying next to the body."

Kneeling next to him she lifted her head, just enough to catch a glimpse of what he was holding.

"We found these flowers and this …" said the policeman as he handed her a small box. Taking it, she rose to her feet and composed herself the best she could.

The fear of death and of a future that would no longer be stared her in the face. She gazed upon the box with dread.

The policeman grabbed her arm, providing the stability she would need to remain standing.

Slowly, ever so slowly she raised her right hand, placing it on the box, opening it her worst fears were realized …

"NOOOO! WHY GOD WHY?"

She fell into his arms as the ring fell to the street …

* * *

"Chandler, what would you like for breakfast?" 

"How about some eggs and bacon, Monica?"

"Alright Chandler, breakfast will be ready in 20 minutes. You better be getting dressed. We have an appointment with the wedding planner in an hour. I don't want to be late!"

"Yes dear, I'll be ready." Replied Chandler.

The phone rang, Chandler answered it.

"Hello. Good morning Rachel. Oh sure, here she is."

"It's Rachel …"

"Good morning Rachel, … Rach … slow down. OK, sure, I'll be right over."

"Chandler, Rachel needs to talk so I'm going over to her place. I don't know if I'll be back in time to meet the planner. Could you call her and postpone our appointment until later today?"

"Sure, what excuse do you want me to use and what time do you want to meet?"

"Just tell her we had a family emergency. Any time after noon is fine. I've got to go …"

"What's wrong? Is she alright?"

"I don't know Chandler, she sounds very upset. I'll see you later."

* * *

A few minutes later … 

There was a knock on the door, just before it opened.

Her friends flew through ...

"Rachel, what's wrong? You look like crap!"

Rachel sat on the couch, a mess. Her hair was un-kept. She had not bothered to wash up or apply any makeup. She hadn't slept much last night.

"I had a rough night Monica. I had the most horrible dream. I woke up around 2 and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm so tired."

"I'm so sorry honey. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, you can be my friend. Please sit down and talk to me."

"Of course. What do you want to talk about?" Monica asked, as she reclined on the couch, next to Rachel.

"I'd like to talk about my dream. I'd like to talk about Ross and me, about all of us."

Surprised as to the scope and magnitude of the upcoming conversation, Monica was curious about her nightmare …

"Rachel, please tell me about your nightmare."

"Monica, I dreamt that I lost Ross!"

"What do you mean "lost" Ross?"

"I dreamt that he was killed on the street, run over by a cab."

"Oh." Replied Monica.

"Monica, that's not all … I dreamt that he was killed while coming to meet me at work. He was going to …" she said as she broke down.

"What, what was he going to do?"

Rachel composed herself through glassy eyes. She looked Monica straight in the eyes …

"In my dream, Ross's body was laying on the pavement, dead. The police found some things on him … and they gave them to me."

"What, what did they give you?"

"… a bouquet of lilies and an engagement ring!" She cried.

Seeing her friend in such sadness broke her heart. She moved in close and took her in her arms. She hugged her, telling her it was going to be alright. Monica felt the tears soaking her shoulder.

"Rachel, it's alright, you've been through a terrible fright. Ross is OK, isn't he?"

"When I woke from my nightmare I was so afraid … the nightmare was so real that I was afraid he was really dead. I looked … and found him sleeping peacefully next to me."

"Where is he now?" Asked Monica.

"He must have gone to the university. Last night he mentioned that he might have to go in for a few hours. He must have left me here on the couch to sleep."

Monica was curious. She wondered why this nightmare had upset her friend so much.

"Rachel, a nightmare can be a horrible experience. Why do you think you were so affected by this one?"

Rachel knew exactly why she was upset and she had her best friend in front of her to tell. She spilled her guts …

"Monica, the dream was so real! I really thought that I had lost him, forever! I guess the visit with your mother affected me a lot. I'm afraid of the inevitable … Ross and I will ultimately die and be apart."

"Rachel, the dream wasn't real. Your mind conjured up the whole thing while you were asleep. Yes, people die but the two of you have many years ahead of you. How you choose to live those years is up to you."

Rising off the couch and went into the kitchen to get them something to drink. Returning, she gave Rachel a diet Coke.

"Here, have a drink. You need it."

Rachel smiled at her friend. "I don't know what I would do without you Monica."

"Rachel, when you called you mentioned that you wanted to talk about you and Ross. So let's talk …"

Rachel paused. She wanted to know something and she didn't want to beat-around-the-bush to get an answer. She was direct in her questioning …

"Monica, tell me, tell me how you feel about us."

"About you and me?"

"No, how do you truly feel about Ross and me? We've been through so much together. Our relationship has affected each and every one of our friends too. You are no exception. You're my best friend and you're Ross's sister. How do you really feel about us? Do you think we have a chance?"

She considered her words. A "politically correct" answer would not be sufficient this time. Only the truth would suffice …

"Rachel, do you remember how excited I was when we found out that Ross loved you? I was so thrilled when I thought that my best friend and my brother would be getting together. When you broke up I felt your pain, both of your pain. Ross has loved you for so long, but when Carol discovered that she was a lesbian and left it affected him in ways that I think he never could comprehend. He went from a confident guy to one who was insecure and unsure of himself. I was hoping that he could overcome his anxiety and lack of confidence when he found you … but we all know what happened."

Monica paused for a moment. She remembered something …

She hoped that he saved it. Rising from the couch she proceeded to the bookcase, hoping that it was there. Searching through the shelves she came across it, a rather large album, filled with photographs.

Returning to the couch she continued …

"Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey and I have watched you and Ross dance in and out of each other's arms for five years now. We've seen you both through the best and the worst of times. We watched you love and hurt each other in the cruelest of ways. Through all this we've seen how much you truly love each other. We've always held out hope for you. You just didn't realize how much you both loved each other. You and Ross couldn't see it. You were too busy fighting. We hoped that one day you both would lower your defenses long enough to see it too."

Both Monica and Rachel had tears in their eyes, they weren't crying, just emotional. They were cherishing the moment …

Rachel wondered about the album …

"Monica, what's with the album?" as she pointed at the book on her lap.

"I … I put this album together for Ross while you were together. I filled it with pictures of the good times that you were having. I knew that what the two of you had would not be easy. I gave him this so that he would have something to hold onto, no matter what happened between you."

She passed the album to Rachel, who hesitated … taking a deep breath, she opened it.

The pages of the album were filled with memories, both good and bad, of their past life and love, with a smattering of photos of their friends and families. Leafing through the volume she came to a page that contained a pressed flower, a lily and an envelope with her name written on it. It had never been opened. She gazed at the flower and wondered about the contents of the envelope.

On the envelope she noticed a date, February 10, 1997.

She remembered … the day she wanted to go on a break. The night he slept with Chloe.

She looked at Monica …

"Did you put these things in here?"

"No. Ross must have added them after I gave it to him. Are you going to open it?" She asked.

Rachel looked down at the envelope and considered her options.

"Yes." She answered.

Taking the envelope out of the album she tore it and removed the letter within. She opened it and found a short note, written in calligraphy in thick black ink. As she started reading her eyes began to water …

_**Rachel,**_

**_How tired I am of this unbearable distance between us._**

**_How I long to be in your presence and to hold you in my arms._**

_**Have you forgotten me?**_

_**Grown mindless of me?**_

_**Tell me I am not writing into an abyss **_

_**or that is what will become of my heart.**_

Her eyes watered.

Her hand dropped to the couch.

She released the letter from her hand.

Monica, noticing her friend's condition picked up the paper, reading it. Her heart broke for them. She was shocked …

"Oh my God!"

"What, what's wrong?" asked Rachel.

"Rachel, did you see this, at the bottom of the page?"

She was so focused on his words that she did not notice the note at the bottom of the letter. Written in pencil she found those words that she had longed to hear:

"**_Rachel, you have taken my heart. Please take this ring and be my wife."_**

"Oh my God! Monica!" as she handed the letter back to her friend.

"A ring?" She thought.

She quickly searched through the album but could not find it.

"He bought me an engagement ring. He was going to propose?"

"It looks that way. Rachel, I'm so sorry."

Rachel threw herself onto her friend's shoulder. She cried. She thought about all the lost opportunities, all the love, all the pain, all the discomfort that they had put their friends through.

It took her a while to calm down. She considered the unchanging past. It was too late to go back, to fix things, to make up for their sins.

The future was another matter. "Tomorrow depends upon today." She thought. She took a deep breath and slowly pulled herself away from Monica.

"Monica, I need to show you something …"

"What, what do you need to show me?"

Rachel ignored her friend's question.

Monica fell silent. She had no idea where this was leading. She knew it was big, she just didn't know how big …

Rachel, on the other hand knew exactly what she was doing. Years of thick clouds had given way to clarity. It had become so clear. She knew what she had to do …

Rising from the couch she proceeded to the bedroom, returning moments later. In her hands she held a box, THE box, the box of memories. Opening it she inserted her hand and pulled out an audio cassette. Returning to the bedroom she retrieved her cassette player.

"Rachel, what, what's this all about?"

"Monica, your brother gave me this tape after we broke up. I want you to listen to a song that he recorded for me."

She took a deep breath …

The song played …

When it was finished she looked her friend straight in the eyes …

"Monica, I feel closer to you then I do to my sisters. You're more of a sister to me then they ever will be. I need to ask you the biggest favor of both our lives."


	17. If Ever You're in My Arms Again

**For all who have followed my story, I thank you. This is not the end … yet.**

**A few weeks ago I happened to come across a show entitled "The 100 Greatest Television Characters of All Time." Unfortunately I missed over half the show. I started watching as the countdown hit #46. I was blown away by what I saw, #46 was the cast of "Friends". Marta Kaufman and David Crane were interviewed for the show. Here is an unedited excerpt from very end of the interview:**

**Kaufman: "Rachel's changed enormously. She is a spoiled princess who at that point never had any responsibility, never had to work a day in her life."**

**Crane: "And we've really watched her really grow over these 10 years to be able to handle career …"**

**Kaufmann: " … and child."**

**Crane: "She has a baby and she masters that. A lot of what the series has been about has been her growth and her maturity." **

* * *

**Crane: "Ross is a guy who life keeps knocking him down."**

**Kaufman: "We all feel a little bit like that, like you just get knocked down and gotta keep getting back up and he's such a fighter and he wanted Rachel so much and I think your heart goes out to the person who wants something."**

**Crane: "…. Yeah and by the end of the show he is kind of our romantic hero. We've waited 10 years to stand up and cheer for him and we finally get a chance to."**

**Kaufman: _"I don't know that there is any role that anybody else could have played and it would have been the same show."_**

**Crane: _"That's certainly true. I think if were to you change that one element it might have been an OK show but it would not have been the same show."_**

**There you go; you heard it from the creators of the show. If not for these two characters (especially Ross) "… it might have been an OK show but it would not have been the same show."**

**I dedicate this chapter to FLOAT LIKE A SPONGE who gave us "A Dance with New York." I was born in Brooklyn and my second home is upstate. In many ways it felt like being home again.**

**Please enjoy …**

* * *

The wedding was imminent. 

The plans had been made.

The invitations had been sent.

The hall had been rented.

The girls had decided that the gang needed a break … so an engagement party had been planned.

"The Blue Martini?" Asked Joey. "What's so special about that place?"

Monica snapped at him "It's a new club on the upper east-side. The place has like 5 bars in it. The place has dancing and karaoke too!"

"It sounds expensive."

Turning her face to her fiancé, she fired off an equally frustrated response "Yes Chandler, it is expensive but how many times do you get married?"

Monica had left the door wide open for Chandler. She would soon lament trying to be the group's social director …

"Well, if you're Ross you tend to lose count!" he replied.

Ross was not amused. He glared at his friend. "When is my utter failure at marriage EVER going to stop being the focus of your jokes, Chandler?"

Chandler was repentant, "Sorry dude. It just comes naturally, like gas."

Ross turned his gaze to his sister … "And you are marrying this guy?"

"Yes, and you will soon be his brother-in-law. You better get a thicker skin Ross or come up with some jokes about Chandler. That'll shut him up."

"What time do we meet up tonight?" asked Joey.

"Be here at 6 PM sharp. We'll hail a cab and get something to eat. I'd like to get to the club by 8:30. I've been told it gets really crowded after 9."

* * *

Low-and-behold the entire group showed up at Monica and Chandler's that evening on time, much to her shock and awe. Hailing a cab the friends were whisked away to the upper east-side of Manhattan Island to dine. After dinner they walked the short distance to the club. 

"$15 for a martini?"

"Chandler! Stop being so cheap! You've got to learn to loosen the purse strings a bit!"

"Yes dear." Replied her fiancé, not wishing to appear cheap before his friends.

Monica scanned the group. This was it, the embodiment of life. She was getting married to the one she loved, the man who loved her, the one she hoped to bear children for and ultimately be separated from only in death. It was everything she had imagined, and so much more. She had her friends, her family that she got to pick.

Her eyes moved from person-to-person. She smiled at Joey, the man-child, so innocent yet so much the womanizer. He was a true study in contrasts.

Her eyes moved to Phoebe, her sister in life. She could not imagine life without her. Her life would have been so dull and without color with no Phoebe.

Her eyes moved to Ross, her brother, who she loved so much. He had become the most resilient of the group. He had endured more than the rest combined, yet he had still recovered from it all. He had no idea of what was about to transpire that night.

Her eyes moved to the one he loved. There she sat, looking Monica right in the eyes. Without words she spoke to her, wishing her the best and asking for support in what she was about to do.

Her fiancé sat next to her, holding her hand. She looked up into his eyes. He seemed so happy. She smiled because she knew that she had made him so.

After an initial round of drinks the group moved to the dance floor and proceeded to sway to the music. Everyone was so happy. The only indication that something was afoot was the occasional eye contact between Monica and Rachel. Monica had made a great sacrifice for her friend. Monica knew that things would never be the same, ever. The past would die, hopefully giving birth to a glorious future.

After dancing the plan began to unfold …

"Hey guys, lets go to the karaoke bar. It should be worth a laugh!"

"I don't know Monica …"

"Chandler, relax. I'm not going to ask you to sing for us, it's totally voluntary!"

The group sat down at a table and ordered another round of drinks. This would be their third drink. By now they were relaxed and enjoying themselves. A DJ entered the room and proceeded to the small stage. Grabbing his microphone he began the show …

"Good evening folks. I would like to welcome you to the Blue Martini's karaoke bar. Here you can relax and watch your fellow patrons make complete fools out of themselves to your favorite tunes."

Monica turned to her friend, concerned. She was nervous and the "complete fools" comment by the DJ didn't help things. She reached across to Rachel, grabbing her hand. As soon as Rachel felt her touch she turned to look at her friend. She smiled a "thank you" to her in return.

Over the next two hours a number of patrons would embarrass themselves by going up on stage and _trying_ to sing their favorite songs, with embarrassing results.

The group had had their fourth round by now and they were totally giddy. No matter what was said or sung the group would break into laughter.

She waited…

Joey had decided to give it a try. When asked for a volunteer he gingerly rose from his seat and walked up to the stage, swaying a bit on the way up.

"And your name is?"

"Joey Tribbianni."

"Are you THE Joey Tribbianni from Days of Our Lives?"

"Yeah, that's me."

Applause and screams from the ladies in attendance rose from the crowd ….

"Well Joey, what are you going to sing for us tonight?"

Wanting to surprise his friends he whispered his answer to the DJ, so only he could hear it. When the music started each of his friends almost died of laughter. Joey had just broken up with Janeen and chose to sing "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones. The group couldn't take it. The combination of alcohol and Joey's extremely off-key singing set them off laughing, hysterically.

After Joey, Ross surprised everyone, especially Rachel, by getting up and singing his rendition of "Love Grows" by Edison Lighthouse ….

… **_there's something about her hand holding mine  
It's a feeling that's fine  
And I just gotta say  
She's really got a magical spell  
And it's working so well  
That I can't get away_**

**_I'm a lucky fella  
And I've just got to tell her  
That I love her endlessly  
Because Love grows where my Rosemary goes  
And nobody knows like me …_**

Tears of happiness and laughter spread among the group. For a fleeting moment the realities of life and death had escaped them. The years of their separation and the imminent death of their parents had been momentarily forgotten. They laughed and cried, his singing was not that bad but definitely not good. Rachel had tears in her eyes as he sang his song for her. As he sang his eyes never left hers. She cried discretely with tears brought on by the realization of how really much in love he was with her. He had exposed himself, on stage, in front of hundreds of people, just for her. Ross didn't realize it but his time would soon come …

After a short break the DJ returned to the stage …

"It's getting late folks … we're having a last call for both drinks and volunteers for tonight's karaoke contest. Do we have any more volunteers…"

Rachel took a deep breath. Time slowed …

Slowly she raised her head and spied Monica staring into her eyes.

"Its time …"

"I know." Replied Rachel.

The rest of her life would be based upon the next five minutes. She was nervous, scared, exhilarated and so utterly excited. She had to do this …

"Can I have a show of hands of those who wish to participate in tonight's contest?" Asked the DJ.

Only one hand rose from the crowd …

"Please Miss, come up on stage …"

As she stood Rachel looked one last time towards her best friend.

Monica knew she was scared, she could see it in her eyes. Rachel was never one to volunteer to get up before a group of people. It simply wasn't her nature.

Ross on the other hand was both giddy and shocked. He had never known her to be so adventurous, he thought of her as the last person who would perform in front of an audience. He was surprised and curious …

As she walked towards the stage she felt the stares of a hundred pairs of eyes, piercing through her flesh.

She rose to the stage …

"And our last contestant tonight it …" he said as he pointed the microphone to her mouth.

"Rachel, Rachel Green."

"Alright Rachel, what will you be singing for us tonight?"

Rachel turned to the DJ and whispered something into his ear. The DJ appeared to be caught somewhat off guard by her request. After fumbling around for what seemed like an eternity the DY continued …

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Rachel will be our last contestant of the evening. Rachel, are you ready?"

She looked out onto the crowd. Taking a deep breath she continued …

"As ready as I'll ever be."

The lights lowered.

The audience quieted.

The music started …

There she stood, the center of attention for everyone present. Now was the time, the time to show him how much he really meant to her, to show him how much he was loved by her.

She turned to face the video monitor used by the contestants to read the lyrics to the songs they were singing. The words appeared and scrolled down the screen. She turned away from the monitor, never to look at it again. She would need no one's help remembering the lyrics, now or forever. The words were engraved forever in her heart.

Her gaze shifted to him where it would remain …

_**It all came so easy,**_

**_All the loving you gave me,_**

_**The feelings we shared …**_

**_And I still can remember_**

_**How your touch was so tender,**_

**_It told me you cared …_**

Rachel was no singer. Her singing was almost as bad as Ross's. The audience sprang into laughter, making it harder for her to continue.

Her performance seemed comical to all but two in attendance that night. One sat there mesmerized, hinging his attention on every word. He had heard this song before, but where? His memory failed him. He strained his mind to remember …

His sister sat there shifting her eyes from him to her and back. She knew how difficult this was for her friend; she prayed that she could continue through the din of laughter.

Rachel, feeling ever more self-conscious at all of the attention on her could have bolted at any time, but she didn't. She locked her eyes on his, never letting go …

_**We had a once in a lifetime**_

_**  
But I just couldn't see, until it was gone**_

_**  
A second once in a lifetime, may be too much to ask**_

**_  
But I swear from now on …_**

… It came to him, like a lightening bolt from the heavens. The song was his, one that he had used years ago to try to convince her, to give them another chance. It was his invitation to the one he loved … and had lost. His mouth slowly opened. He too knew the song by heart. He mouthed the words as she sang them …

… And Rachel knew.

_**If ever you're in my arms again**_

_**  
This time I'll love you much better**_

_**  
If ever you're in my arms again**_

_**  
This time I'll hold you forever**_

_**  
This time will never end**_

**_  
_**Rachel's eyes never left his. She gained strength and resolve from his eyes and from his mouth.

By now Monica had begun to cry. Other than Rachel she was the only one who knew the magnitude of the events as they happened. Noting her tears, Chandler turned …

"What's wrong, Monica?"

She couldn't answer, instead she held his hand and directed his attention towards Ross, who by now had eyes of wet glass.

_**Now I'm seeing clearly**_  
**_  
How I still need you _****_near me_**_**  
**_

_** I still love you so**_

_**There's something between us**_

_**That won't ever leave us**_  
**_  
There's no letting go …_**

By now Phoebe and Joey knew that something was going on. Rachel had been staring at her boyfriend the entire song. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes. They turned towards Ross whose emotional state was fast decaying. The invitation of a lifetime was at hand …

_**We had a once in a lifetime  
**_

_**But I just didn't know it**_

_**Till my life fell apart**_

_**A second once in a lifetime**_

_**Isn't too much to ask**_**_  
_**

**_ 'Cause I swear _****_from the heart_****_ …_**

**_If ever you're in my arms again_**_**  
**_

_** This time I'll love you much better**_

_**If ever you're in my arms again**_

_**This time I'll hold you forever**_

_**This time will never end**_

She broke down … she couldn't continue any longer …

The crowd went silent.

The music stopped.

She cried … his heart broke.

The DJ rushed to her side …

"Rachel, are you alright? Here, take this." He said as he handed her a handkerchief.

"I'm fine." She replied. Regaining her composure she whispered again into his ear. Acknowledging her request he lifted the microphone …

"Ladies and gentlemen, can we please have a round of applause for Ms. Rachel Green."

The audience went wild with their gratitude for her attempt ...

Ross, still stunned by events, slowly raised his hands and got in a few claps before the applause died down.

The DJ continued …

"Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel has a special request and she needs your help. She would like to invite her very good friend Ross back up on stage for a moment. Please help get Ross back up here by giving him a round of applause."

The audience again went wild with their applause. Ross, totally focused on his tearful girlfriend rose from his seat and walked. Once up on stage he took Rachel in his arms and gently lowered her face to his chest. She crushed him with all her might, not wanting to let go, but she had to, she was not yet finished …

Releasing Ross she turned to the DJ and smiled. He spoke …

"Rachel, how long have you known Ross?"

"I've known him since I was six years old. I am best friends with his sister Monica." She said, pointing toward his sister.

"So Rachel, what is Ross to you, your boyfriend?

"Ross has been many things to me. He's been my best friend, my boyfriend and my husband."

"So what was the significance of the song you sang for us this evening?"

"The song is very special to us. Ross and I broke up a few years ago and he gave me the song as an invitation to get back together."

"And did you get back together?"

"No."

"Then why did you sing it for him?"

"Months ago we got married and then divorced. While we were married Ross was the best husband a girl could ask for …and yet I divorced him ... it was the biggest mistake of my life. I sang the song and asked him on stage because I wanted to give him something."

There was a slight pause …

A figure rose from the audience and slowly walked to the stage. Arriving at her side Monica gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek, whispering "Good luck" to her friend. Turning to her brother she hugged and kissed him too. Before she left she pulled out a small black velvet box and handed it to her friend. She returned to her seat and the arms of her fiancé.

Rachel looked at the box and then over to him. His eyes were glassy and wet. He was unprepared for her next action …

As she stood there with her hands at her side she began to cry. She looked into the audience at her friend who was also crying. Monica was so happy for her …

Rachel then did something so simple yet so remarkable, she dropped to one knee and proceeded to open the velvet box. Inside Ross spied a simple ring, made of platinum.

"Ross, you have taken my heart. Please take this ring and be my husband again. This time we'll make it last forever."

He stood there dumbfounded. This was not the way it was supposed to be ... it was infinitely better. The one he loved, the woman of his dreams was proposing to HIM! It was all too much for him. He became lightheaded. He fell to his knees if front of her. He imagined that it had all been a dream, too good to be true. He took a deep breath and looked up to see her there, still holding the box, holding the ring. His mouth opened but nothing came out. His eyes started to tear. He mustered up every last bit of emotional energy he had …

"How could I not say yes to the woman I love?" …

… and he finished with a whisper only she could hear … "I promise to love you and be faithful you until I can breathe no more."

Slowly she removed the ring from the box, shaking and crying the whole time. Placing it on his finger they embraced. Their lips met in uninhibited passion. The frustration and pain of all of their years of mistakes was released in the loud cries they shared.

The crowd went wild …

Their friends hugged and cried, walking to the stage and embracing the engaged couple.

* * *

Sitting there with their friends on their favorite couch in their favorite coffee house the pair embraced with tears in their eyes. They were getting married together, at the same time. It would be a double wedding. Monica would marry Chandler while Rachel would marry Ross … 

"My God Rachel! We only have a week before the wedding! We need to find you a wedding dress and find you some shoes and express mail more invitations …"

She stared at her fried with tears of happiness. She was so happy. She giggled at Monica as she went on and on about the wedding plans. Monica was in rare form that night. Rachel had no doubts that everything would be ready in time, after all, it was Monica's wedding too.

She reached over to her friend and gently picked up her hand, causing Monica to pause …

"Monica, thank you for letting me steal some of your thunder …"

* * *

**Credit goes to the incomparable Peebo Bryson for "If Ever Your in My Arms Again".**


	18. For the love of the Father

Two days later …

"Come on Ross!"

"No Rach, I don't think this is a good idea."

"Ross! You're a lot bigger than I am; I'm not going to drag you all the way up to the house!"

"Rachel, why can't we just send him an email, or a letter?"

"Stop being such a baby! You don't have to be so scared of him!"

"I am not afraid of him; let's just say I respect him a lot."

"Whatever you say dear, now let's get this over with!"

"Alright, fine, I'd do anything for you."

"Why thank you honey. I love you."

"I love you too. You don't happen to have a bottle of whiskey in your purse … I could sure use a drink right now."

"Ross, stop the joking and let's get serious!"

Raising her hand she pushed the doorbell. It took only a few seconds for the door to be answered. To Ross it felt like an eternity …

"Sweetpea, it's been a long time. I'm so glad to see you!"

Dr. Green's elation was short lived. As her turned to his left he spotted him, the man who had cheated on his daughter. He was not happy …

Ross had been spotted; he knew that he would soon be receiving the full brunt of his future father-in-law's condemnation and criticism. He raised his hand to shake her fathers' hand.

"Hello Dr. Green …"

"What are you doing here Gellar?"

Facing his daughter he asked … "Sweetpea, is he bothering you?"

"Daddy no, Ross is not bothering me. It's cold outside, can we come in?

"Sure honey come on in …"

As Rachel entered the house her father closed the door behind her, leaving Ross outside in the cold. It didn't take long for Rachel to realize that her fiancé was not with her …

"Daddy! Why did you lock Ross outside?"

"I don't want that punk Ross in my house!"

"Daddy, Ross and I need to talk to you and Mom. Please let him in!"

"Alright sweetpea, for you. But why you would even want to associate with him is beyond me."

Dr. Green opened the door to a glaring Ross. The two scowled at each other for a few moments until Rachel yelled from inside the house …

"Ross! Stop playing around and get in here!"

Hearing his daughter, Dr. Green decided to play along …

"You heard my daughter, get in here Dr. Wethead."

Uncomfortable. The word does not begin to describe how he felt at that moment. Four people occupied the room, only one really wanted to be there. Ross sat next to his fiancé, on the couch while Dr. Green took an armchair as far away from Ross and his ex-wife as possible. The whole thing was a mess and she knew it. She wondered how they would take the news …

"Mom, I want to thank you for coming here today, I really appreciate it."

Sandra Green was not happy to be there. Being this close to her ex-husband was not one of her favorite things to do. As uncomfortable as she was she was happy to be invited. She was even happy to see Ross.

"Of course Rachel, you're my daughter. I would do anything for you."

Rachel took Ross's hand and gently stroked it. Turning her head between her mother and father she began …

"Mom, Dad, you know that Ross and I used to date and that we broke up …"

Dr. Green interjected …

… Yeah, because he cheated on you with that tramp!"

Ross's face turned red. It had been years since the infamous "Chloe" incident. He wondered if he would ever forgive or forget the indiscretion that forever changed their lives …

Rachel knew Ross was upset. He loved her so much. He wanted to be there for her but her father was not making it easy for him.

"Yes daddy, we know about the history between us. Bad things have happened; we would like to forget them if possible."

For a moment Rachel fell silent, remembering how easy it had been at the Gellar house. Jack and Judy cried with happiness as they learned of the engagement and the double wedding, less than a week away. For a few fleeting moments the news seemed to be the cure that Judy had needed for her disease. She was so content and happy. She could now leave knowing that after her demise her children would not be alone. They would have spouses and children and grandchildren. She hoped that they would each have a dozen children, each of them having a dozen themselves. The only sadness she felt was that she would not be around to see them, any of them.

Rachel cried, on the inside.

She composed herself …

"Mom and dad, Ross and I have something to tell you … we're engaged."

She scanned her eyes from side-to-side. Her parent's faces contrasted sharply against each other. Sandra smiled. She was happy for her daughter. She had known for some time that there was something very special between the pair; she wondered why they had taken so long to act upon their feelings. On the other side of the room a volcano was about to erupt...

"WHAT!?!"

His face turned red, the color of a rose petal, his blood pressure soared. He leapt off the couch to confront the man who had cheated on his daughter and now was ready to steal her away from him …

"You're what?" He demanded.

"Daddy, calm down. We don't want you having a heart attack."

Dr Green would not be coddled …

"Rachel Karen Green, you are not marrying this cheating punk! I forbid it!"

Ross just sat there, remaining as calm as he could be. He was angry and frustrated but he didn't show it. He knew his name would be called. He waited patiently …

"Daddy, I am your daughter but I am not a child anymore! You cannot forbid me from marrying Ross!"

Dr. Green retorted, loudly …

"I am your father and I forbid it. If you choose to go through with this I will … I will cut you out of my will. Yes, that's what I'll do!"

"Daddy, I love you very much but you cannot stop me from marrying Ross. I love him and want to be with him."

"No!" replied her father, "I forbid it!"

She felt defeated, torn between the two most important men in her life. Tears formed in her eyes. She wept. Dr. Green thought that he would use this to his advantage …

"Ahh ... come here sweetpea. Come to daddy."

Embracing his daughter he lowered her head onto his shoulder. Turning his face towards Ross he fired another salvo …

"See what you've done? You've hurt my daughter again you punk!"

He had been patient, he had bided his time. He had had enough. He rose from the couch …

Dr. Green had fully expected Ross to exit the room and then his house, in frustration. He had miscalculated …

"Shut up!"

Sandra was shocked. She shifted her weight to get a better view of the battle. This was going to be good …

Rachel wasn't sure she had heard him correctly as she had laid her head on her father's shoulder. She raised her head and turned towards her fiancé …

Dr. Green was livid; he had heard what Ross had said. He prepared to fire another volley …

"What did you say to me Gellar?"

Ross was nervous. Ross was scared. He knew what he had to do. He had to stare down hiis future father-in-law if he would have any chance to be his son. He had to gain his respect …

"You heard me Dr. Green, I said SHUT UP!"

"What? How dare you talk to me like that in my own home! How dare you!"

In less than a minute Sandra had gained a world of respect for her future son. She had been married to Leonard for over 25 years. She had never seen anyone stand up to him before. She hoped that Ross would be successful in his confrontation with her ex …

Rachel, taken aback by her fiancés actions was speechless. She didn't know what to make of it or what to say …

Ross, preparing for what had to be done grabbed her arms and gently lowered her towards Sandra, safely out of the line of fire.

"Dr. Green, are you deaf? I told you to SHUT UP!

The room went silent …

Dr. Green had never, ever been talked to like this before. He kept quiet while glaring at his adversary.

Ross continued … he chose his words very carefully …

"Dr. Green, your daughter and I are in love, we have been in love forever. We are getting married next week. We want you and Sandra to come to the ceremony. We had hoped that you would give your daughter away …"

Ross let Dr. Green interject, while staying in control of the conversation. Dr. Green turned to his daughter …

"Why, sweetpea, why? He cheated on you. Then you got married and he divorced you. Why?"

Rachel looked at her father. He loved her so much, she could tell by the sadness in his eyes and the longing on his face. He needed to be told …

"Daddy, Ross and I have both made mistakes in the past. Ross sleeping with that girl was not the only reason we broke up … we were both responsible for it."

She dropped her gaze to the floor and continued …

"Ross and I did get married and we did get divorced, but there are things that you have never been told that you need to know now."

Dr. Green stared at his daughter's face. Rachel could feel it. She glanced up to confirm what she already knew. Her gaze returned to the floor. She continued …

"Daddy, I know that you hate Ross but the truth be told we were both responsible for the mistakes we've made." She garnered her strength and spat it out …

"It was my idea to get married in Las Vegas. It was my idea to get divorced. While we were married Ross was a fantastic husband. I divorced him! It was MY mistake."

Another uncomfortable pause prevailed over the group …

Dr. Green was humbled. He interjected …

"It was your idea?"

"Yes, daddy … "

She had another bomb to drop on him. She knew it would hurt …

"… and Ross didn't propose to me, I proposed to HIM."

He was beyond shocked. Many of his preconceptions about his future son had been wrong, based upon inaccurate information. While he no longer hated him … he still didn't like Ross all that much.

Ross had decided to cut in …

"Dr. Green, Rachel and I are going to get married …"

Dr. Green either couldn't or wouldn't look up at him. He looked down, at anything that wasn't a threat, at anything that wasn't tearing his world apart …

Ross continued, he had a lot to say and finally had the venue he needed to say it in …

"I can just imagine how much of a shock this must be to you. It's no secret how you feel about me. Believe me, I've hurt Rachel too many times and hate myself for doing it. But that was then and this is now. Rachel and I have had the opportunity to make just about every mistake that a couple can make, yet we've survived and learned from them. I share the same dreams for your daughter that you do. I want her to be happy and healthy."

Dr. Green fidgeted and moved his position on his chair, breaking Ross's concentration. Refocusing, he continued …

"I am not a rich man but I will do my best to take care of her and to never hurt her again."

Ross looked down and then back up at him again …

"Is it too hard to believe that I want the same things for her as you? I will try my best to make her happy. When the time is right we hope to make you happy …by having your grandchildren …"

Dr. Green looked up at him …

Ross continued …

"There will come a time very shortly that you and Sandra will be the only grandparents that our children will ever have … and the only parents I will be able to talk too. My parents are dying … I want Sandra and yourself to be my new mother and father. _Why oh why can't you see that the old adage is true … you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son?"_

Ross looked down, spent. He had exposed too much of himself to a man who hated him.

Dr. Green was a hard and bitter man. He was used to being hated and respected, but not loved. That emotion was reserved for only three people … his daughters. The last few minutes had completely broken him. It would be so easy to hate this man, the man who had hurt his eldest daughter. The man who was now stealing her away … but he couldn't, he believed his words. The emotions he felt were so alien to him. He was losing his Rachel to a man that he had loved to hate yet the truth had set him free. He could now see his future son in a new light. He was far from perfect, as he had made plenty of mistakes in the past, but he could tell that he loved her. He knew he would take care of her … forever.

Rising from the floor he uttered his first words in minutes …

"I need a drink …"

Ross interjected …

"I'll get you're drink. Scotch, neat, is it?"

"How did you know?"

"That's what you ordered a Rachel's birthady party."

"You remembered that little detail from four years ago?"

Ross could have answered this simple question simply, with a yes. He looked over at his soon-to-be-wife and mother and smiled. They smiled back in return. Turning towards Dr, Green he chose his words for maximum effect …

"_A son will do just about anything … for the love of a father."_

He stopped.

He considered his words.

He turned his head towards his daughter. He looked at her face and saw that she was happy. Looking to his ex-wife they momentarily forgot their past problems. They forgot their divorce and focused on their roles as parents. He looked at her, beseeching Sandra for confirmation. Returning his gaze she somehow knew what he was asking. Smiling, she nodded her head in the affirmative.

Looking again to his daughter he smiled, letting her know that he finally understood. Turning his face towards Ross he grinned …

"Follow me … son. We have a lot to talk about …"


	19. Not exactly An epilogue

**This is it ... the end of the story. I don't know if you've noticed but the number of writers and good stories is way down recently. "Friends" has been off-the-air now for over two years and we still find people writing about it. Before March of this year I had never even considered watching an episode of the show, I thought it was stupid and that the six actors were way overpaid for the quality of their work (I still feel that $1.25 mil/20 minutes is too much). After watching the show I found myself to be disappointed and saddened by the way the Ross/Rachel relationship had been handled. I found it much too unrealistic and just stupid. People just do not act that way, even at their worst.  
**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy the epilogue. Once I got started it took me only a few hours to write. I have posted another story (Where Have You Gone?) but I may end up removing it as I am quickly running out of ideas.**

**We all go through tough times in our lives, some more than others. I write to feel ...**

**I dedicate this final chapter to my grandmother _Emma_, gone but not forgotten ... **

* * *

There is an old saying that curiosity killed the cat. In her case it just startled her and then changed everything. Her world would never be the same again … 

"Dad, who is this woman?"

"What woman?"

"The woman in this photo that I found in the basement."

He turned to face his daughter. Walking to her side he took the photograph from her hand.

Shock …

Surprise …

It was evident on his face. He tried to hide it but she saw through him. She was intelligent beyond her years …

"Uh, uh … that, that …" He was at a loss for words …

"Dad, are you alright? You look like you're getting sick!"

The initial shock having worn off, he shifted into defensive mode …

"I'm fine … really, I'm fine."

"Dad, I can tell that you are not fine."

Pausing, she continued …

"My school project is due on Thursday. Remember the family project that I have to do?"

He never neglected or forgot his daughter's schoolwork and projects. The shock of seeing the photograph had caused his memory to lapse, momentarily. He strained to remember. Emma would help him out …

"Dad, please tell me that you have not forgotten! You and mom are supposed to come to my class on Thursday when I present my project to my class. You're supposed to talk about your careers!"

He remembered …

"Oh! Sure, sure, I remember now. We'll be there, I promise."

"Good. Thanks Dad, I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart."

She hugged him hard. He soaked up every moment of it. She was sixteen and a young woman. She would soon have little time for him. Soon there would be college and soon she would find another man to take his place of prominence in her life. She would soon find a boyfriend. He would enjoy the hugs and kisses on his cheek as long as he could get them …

She had him right where she wanted him …

"Dad, you never answered my question. Who is that woman in the picture?"

He had never lied to her, ever, unless he felt it was important to do so. She was older and wiser and mature for her age. He wondered how she would handle the truth. He released her from his grasp and held her at arms length. He looked into her eyes and began to open his mouth …

The door opened …

"Thank God!" He thought.

"Oh hi honey, how was your day?"

"It was great, thanks for asking. Let me put my things away and take these heels off. I'll be right back. What's for dinner?"

"We're having lobster …"

"Lobster?" She said, concerned about his allergies.

"You and Emma are each having a big, juicy lobster while I'm having fish."

"Oh goody, I can't wait! I'll be right back."

As Rachel dropped her things on their bed she turned to find her daughter standing in the doorway. She was concerned …

"Emma, what's wrong? Is everything Alright?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm just curious about something …"

"What, tell me what it is and I'll tell you what I know."

"Mom, do you promise."

"Sure, I promise."

"Alright, I was down in the basement looking for some pictures for my school project when I found this …"

Emma handed the picture to her mother … taking the picture she looked at it, surprised.

"Oh." Is all she could say.

"Mom, who is that woman with dad? I asked him and he was about to tell me but then you came home. He never got the chance to tell me."

Ross picked an opportune time to interrupt on his wife's behalf …

"Dinner's ready!"

Rachel gazed at the picture. She stared at it as the memories of the past came back to haunt her. She needed to talk to her husband …

"Emma, let's eat dinner. Afterwards I'll talk to your father about this, OK?"

Disappointed, Emma replied …

"OK mom but if you and dad don't tell me I'll find out some other way. I'd just assume it would be best coming from you two."

Over the years Ross had become quite the cook. He put his heart and soul into his cooking to please the girls in his life. They were not disappointed.

"That was good! Thanks for the dinner dad."

"You're welcome Emma. I'm glad you liked it."

Ross turned towards his wife. She too had enjoyed her dinner but there was something bothering her. She looked up, implored him into the kitchen to talk."

Getting the message, Ross began to gather the dishes and head for the kitchen with Rachel right behind him. Unaware of their exit from the room Emma turned on the television to watch one of her favorite shows before doing her homework.

For almost a half-hour Ross and Rachel debated the issue of the photograph. It was, after all, just a picture, but the answers to her questions might very well open up the "Pandora's Box" to their past. They considered all the facts and decided that it was time for answers …

Entering the living room Ross walked to the television and turned it off, surprising Emma.

"Dad, why did you turn the TV off?"

Ross looked into his daughter's eyes and sighed …

"Your mother and I need to talk to you Emma. Have you finished your homework?"

"Not yet, I've got just a few assignments to finish."

Ross considered the situation. He looked at his wife …

"Emma, your mother and I love you very much. You asked me about the woman in the picture … well, we think that you're old enough to know the truth. Please go finish your homework and get ready for bed. We will talk to you when you are finished. This is going to take a while …"

Excited, Emma rushed up to her bedroom. Ross on the other hand went down to the basement unenthusiastically. Their past was about to be relived, he wondered if his relationship with his daughter would ever be the same again.

The couple sat in quiet solitude, waiting for the return of their daughter, contemplating how she would take their past, with all of the mistakes that they had made. Ross and Rachel quietly sorted through the box of memories, carefully trying to pick out the pictures that would best help them explain their youth. They didn't have long to wait …

"Mom, dad, I finished my homework and I'm ready for bed. You wanted to talk to me?"

Ross began …

"Emma, your mother and I are very proud of you. You have grown from a child into an intelligent, beautiful young woman. Today you brought me that picture; I didn't know what to say. I talked to your mother and we feel that you are old enough to know …"

Emma interjected, jumping to conclusions …

"Oh my God, I'm adopted!"

Rachel moved to quell Emma's fears …

"Emma, no, you are not adopted. I am you birth mother and your father is your biological father. We are your parents, you are not adopted."

Emma was curious …

"Then why all the drama with the picture, mom?"

Ross interjected, holding Rachel's hand for strength …

"Emma, the woman in the picture … she was my wife."

"Your wife? But, but you're married to mom!"

"Calm down Em, your mother and I are going to tell you some things that may seem a bit strange to you. As strange as they sound, they did happen."

"But dad, you've only ever told me about Aunt Carol. You told me that you were married but got divorced. Then Ben came."

Ross and Rachel looked at their daughter and then at one another. Ross continued …

"Em, I was married to Aunt Carol for a few years, until she discovered she was a lesbian …"

"A lesbian?"

"Yes, a lesbian. After that I was with her one last time … that was when Ben was conceived. About the time that Carol and I separated, your mother came to live with your Aunt Monica."

"So mom moved in with Aunt Monica and you two fell in love, dated and got married, right?"

Ross squeezed his wife's hand a little harder …

"Not exactly. I had been in love with your mother since I was in the 9th grade but she was the popular cheerleader and I was the science geek. We were a big mismatch. When your mother came to live with Monica the feelings that I had suppressed for so long came back to the surface. I fell in love with her again but I didn't act on my feelings for a year."

"A year? Way to go dad!"

Ross, looking a little uncomfortable, continued …"

"Anyway, your uncle Chandler let it slip to your mother that I was in love with her while I was on a trip to China. Your mother was excited and interested in dating me but I didn't know it. When I returned from my trip I came back with another woman."

"Another woman?"

Ross picked up a picture out of the box and gave it to Emma …

"Yes, her name was Julie. She too was a paleontologist like your dad. After dating for a few months your mother let it slip that she had feelings for me. After hearing that I broke up with Julie …"

"You dated and got married! Right?"

Ross, feeling even more uncomfortable responded …

"Not exactly. We didn't start dating right away, we had problems, but we did start dating a few months later."

Emma was curious …

"Mom, how long did you date before you got engaged?"

Rachel, just as uncomfortable as Ross, started to answer but was swiftly cut off by her husband …

"Em, this is going to be difficult for you to hear … but our relationship was a very difficult one. We made many mistakes. I made the biggest of all when I slept with another woman …"

"What, you cheated on mom?"

"Em, about a year after we started dating I became very jealous of your mother, I felt that a guy from work was trying to take her from me. In the end it was my jealousy that destroyed our relationship. One night your mother mentioned taking a break. Heartbroken, I got drunk and slept with a girl I met in a bar."

Emma sat there, stunned. They were her parents. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Ross continued …

"Em, at that point we broke up. I was despondent and your mother was so angry at me. For the next few months we spent most of our time at each other's throats. After a while time had a healing effect on our relationship so we stayed friends."

Emma was confused and shook up. She was curious …

"So dad, who is the woman in the picture?"

Ross looked at his wife. He continued …

"One night, about a year after our breakup your mother found herself in a predicament. She had a date with a guy AND she had promised her boss that she would take his niece to the opera. Your mother begged me to take her boss's niece to the opera so that she could go out on her date …"

Emma couldn't accept what she was hearing. She turned to her mother with anger in her eyes and asked …

"So you set dad up with that woman so you could go out with another guy?"

Rachel stared at her daughter's eyes, then down to the floor before responding …

"Yes, your father and I were just friends at the time. I wanted to go out with this guy, Joshua I think his name was. I begged your father to take her to the opera. I had no idea what I had done …"

"Why, what happened?" She asked, now very concerned.

Ross interjected …

"The woman in the picture is my second wife … Emily."

"Emily? You've been married three times?"

Ross didn't know how to answer the question except to respond with the truth …

"Not exactly. Em, I've been married four times while your mother has been married twice."

This was too much for her to accept, let alone consider. She exploded …

"WHAT? You've both been married that many times!"

Ross could see the confusion and sadness in his daughter's eyes. He tried to explain and comfort her …

"Em, let your mother and I finish the story before you get any more upset, OK?"

She was hurt and angry. She was fifteen and she felt like she had been lied to. She was furious that this information had been withheld from her. She wanted more …

"Alright, I'll listen."

"Uh, well I dated Emily for about six weeks and then, and then …"

"What?" asked Emma.

"We got engaged."

"So now you're in love with mom and your engaged to another woman."

"Ems, no I wasn't in love with your mother at the time. I proposed to Emily after knowing her less than two months. The whole gang, except for your mother and Aunt Phoebe, flew to London for the wedding."

Ross turned to his wife. It was her turn to confess to her daughter …

"After your father left for his wedding I discovered that I was still in love with him. I grabbed a plane and flew to London to tell him that I still loved him. When I got there I found him and Emily kissing. I loved your father so much that I decided that I would let him go so that he could be happy with Emily …"

"So mom, you flew all the way to England and didn't tell him how you felt? You let him marry this woman?"

Ross interjected …

"Not exactly. You see, I thought that I no longer loved your mother, but when I saw her at the church something happened to me."

"What happened dad, please tell me!"

"I said your mother's name at the wedding …"

Emma started laughing …

"You said mom's name instead of Emily's?"

"Yes but I don't find it very funny …"

"So how did you marry her if you said mom's name at the alter?"

"Emily was furious at me for saying "I take thee Rachel" but she went through with the ceremony anyway. After the wedding Emily disappeared, I couldn't find her …"

"So what did you do, dad?"

"I decided to go on the honeymoon anyway. I told Emily's parents to tell her to meet me at the airport but she didn't show up … until"

"Until what, dad?"

"I ran into your mother at the airport and invited her to go …"

"Mom went on your honeymoon instead of Emily?"

Ross was again uncomfortable and a little embarrassed. Rachel just rolled her eyes …

"Not exactly. Emily showed up at the last minute and saw me with your mother, she ran off and I left your mother on the plane to go on our honeymoon, alone."

Emma responded to this weird turn of events in the story …

"You're kidding me, right? This has got to be a joke."

Rachel chose to respond for the couple …

"Everything that your father and I have told you is the truth, we swear."

Emma didn't know what to say …

"So dad, why did you marry Emily?"

He knew the answer but did not want to expose himself. He fidgeted in his seat before answering …

"I married Emily because I was still in love with your mother. I was looking for a substitute for her …"

He looked over at his wife who by now was looking into his eyes …

"But she has no substitute. I still loved her very much. A few weeks after your mother got back from our honeymoon she got me alone and told me that she was still in love with me. I cared for her so much but I was still married to Emily. I tried to save my marriage because I did not want to get divorced again. The marriage ended when Emily made me promise not to see your mother any more."

"What! She made you promise to never see mom again?"

"Yes, and initially I agreed to it but I couldn't live not seeing her every day like I had for the last five years. Emily told me that she couldn't trust me. That was it."

Emma thought the story was over …

"So then you and mom fell in love and got married, no?"

Ross again looked at her, appearing somewhat guilty …

"Not exactly. Your mother and I were just friends again. About a year later we flew to Las Vegas to visit Uncle Joey who was working there at the time. While we were there we got really drunk and got married …"

Emma thought she had heard it all. She again laughed …

"So you guys had a drunken wedding in Vegas? I guess then you had me and you lived happily ever after, right?"

This time it was Rachel who responded …

"Not exactly. We were married for a few months and then got divorced."

"Why mom, why did you get divorced?"

"Em, I divorced your father because he scared me. While we were married he was a very good husband. I guess I just wasn't ready yet."

Emma was getting tired and wanted to get to the end of the story …

"So you divorced dad! How did you ever get together after all the hell you put each other through?"

Rachel replied "I knew that I loved your father the whole time. About a year later your grandparents became very ill. Before she died your grandmother asked me to take care of your dad and watch over him. I wanted this so badly that I proposed to him a week before Aunt Monica's and Uncle Chandler's wedding …"

"So that's why you had a double wedding?"

"Yes. Your daddy said yes and we had a double wedding the next week. Monica was kind enough to let us get married with them. It was a good thing too, your grandparents were so happy. Unfortunately, your grandma Judy died just a few months later from cancer. After she was gone your dad and Aunt Monica tried their best to take care of your Grandpa Jack, but he died about a year after that."

"Is that why we live in grandma and grandpa's old house?"

"Yes, your dad and Aunt Monica inherited it from them. We paid Monica and Chandler for their half and now we own it ourselves."

Emma took a deep breath and sighed. She looked at her parents and wondered …

"How did you two ever end up together? You amaze me. If I didn't love you both and trust you so much I'd believe that you made the whole story up, but you didn't, did you?"

Ross looked at Rachel and again took her hand. Smiling, he turned to Emma …

"No, it's all true. I guess that no matter how many mistakes we made and how many times we screwed up our relationship the bottom line is that we loved each other."

Ross looked down then up at his wife before returning his gaze to Emma …

"Emma, something happened to us that year that we dated. It's hard to put your finger on it but it was very special. It's like your mother's name had been engrained on my heart and vice-versa. As hard as we tried to stay apart, we couldn't. I wish so many things had never happened like all the times we tried to hurt each other, but my guess is that all of this happened for a reason and in the end, love found a way."

* * *

"Dr. Gellar?" 

"Yes, you have a question? What's your name?"

"My name is Stephanie."

"Alright Stephanie, what's your question?"

"Well, you've been very successful at what you do, you know, paleontology. You have a beautiful wife and children. You might have everything that you've ever dreamed of. My question is if you could go back in time to when you were our age, what would you do differently?"

Ross considered the question carefully. He marveled at how more advanced and mature the young people of this generation were then of his. He thought a while, to the point where the class and their teacher became concerned. He was looking down, with sadness on his face and a tear in his eye. Rachel too was becoming concerned. She walked over and gently touched his arm, bringing his attention back to the present. He raised his head and scanned the class through wet eyes.

"That is a very good question, probably the second best I've ever been asked." He said as he glanced over to his wife. "Stephanie, I have my fair share of regrets but if I had the opportunity to go back in time to the tenth grade I would have to say that I would not be sitting here in this classroom right now."

Ross was slowly becoming emotional; it was taking all he had to keep it together. He paused, trying to recompose himself.

"If I were like you, seated at one of those desks I would jump out of my seat and run through that door." He said as he swung his arm wildly, pointing to the classroom door. I would run, run as fast as I could to the ones I loved. I would run down the hall to my sister's home economics class. I would run through the door, I would run up to her and grab her. I would tell her I loved her and that I always would. I would tell her I was sorry for all the times that I had pestered and tortured her.

He paused again …

I would then run to my parents, now long gone, and grab them, no, crush them in my arms and tell them how much I loved them and how much they meant to me. I would want to spend every waking moment with them, knowing that our time together was short."

Ross then turned his head to the left, looking at her …

"Then I would run, run as hard as I could down the street to her house. The house of the girl I loved. I would run through the door, up the stairs and into her room. I would grab her and tell her how life meant nothing without her."

Remarkably, Ross kept his composure through his speech. The same could not be said for Rachel. A single tear fell from her right cheek. He continued …

"Class, we think that we will live forever. We do not. When I have a family reunion I drive down to the cemetery. My parents are dead. They lived and they died. When they were alive I took them for granted. They were always there … until they weren't."

There was a short pause …

"Science, business, fashion, the arts, they are all important but they should be viewed with the proper perspective. Don't, I repeat don't take your friends, your families and anyone you hold dear for granted. Life is a series of hello's and goodbyes. You never know when you are saying "Goodbye" for the last time.

He looked down again and then up. Scanning the class and his daughter he asked …

"Class, you've studied history … I should know, I've helped my daughter with her projects and to study for her exams."

The class giggled a bit …

He looked at his daughter …

"I tell you now … every age is the same, its only love that makes any of them bearable."

Ross rose from the desk that he had been sitting on and did a remarkable thing; he walked slowly to his wife and gently took her hands. He opened his lips …

"Please, tell me you love me."

She hadn't been expecting this, especially in front of their daughter's class. They had been married for almost twenty years and still he amazed her with his romantic tendencies and lack of inhibition in public places. She looked out at the class, each pair of eyes staring intently at the drama unfolding before them.

Rachel returned her eyes to his. The room was thick with emotion. Her eyes were like pools of water and her nose began to run. Releasing his hand she reached for a tissue and dried her nose. Raising her head she made eye-contact once again. She opened her mouth to utter the words that he longed to hear …

"Ross, I love you. It isn't life without you."

The girls in the class sighed with an "Awwwww".

Ross turned his head and smiled at his daughter.

At that moment it hit her, Emma had just realized that her parents had taught her the most important lesson in life.

* * *

**... it is finshed. If you got any entertainment value at all from this story, please let me know.**

**Thank you ...**

**Over and out ...**


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